You probably know this

You probably know this
by R. Eric Swanepoel

(First published in Deliberately Thirsty Magazine, Issue 4, Argyll
Publishers, Glendaruel, Argyll PA22 3AE, Scotland)

'You probably know this&;#8230;' she said.

I felt as if the car of my life had just crested a sizeable bump,
leaving my viscera suspended. I waited for the crunch as her mouth
worked. She was twirling the ashtray and looking to the side. Resolved
at last, she lowered her head conspiratorially, placatingly, and,
raising her eyes, placed a hand on mine. 'Listen,
Stuart&;#8230;'

My life was forever changed.

'Stuart, Einstein was always brilliant at school, but just after he
left the marking system was reversed. Biographers who unearthed his
report cards assumed that his F's in most subjects meant that he was a
late starter and had been as thick as pigshit. In fact, in Einstein's
day an A was a hopeless fail, and an F was the highest possible mark.
This is unfortunate for those who use the myth of his poor school
career to encourage dullards. Once thick, always thick, I'm afraid, but
you probably already knew this.'

'The government wants children to have lessons in citizenship. Will
they be telling them about Rupert Murdoch? I'm sure you already know
about him, Stuart, but I've only just heard.

'Rupert-the-unbearable (which is probably what his ex-wife calls him)
was born in Australia and took out U.S. citizenship and yet he controls
41 \% of our press by circulation. By hiring the best accountants and
shuffling money around his empire he all but avoids paying tax.

'If you converted his annual profits into the finest single malt whisky
and used this to fill elephant skins, you could stand whisky-stuffed
elephants trunk-to-tail all the way from London to Hull. Even an
elephant's foot of whisky would keep you for a month better than the
dole - provided you sold it and didn't drink it, of course! - and a
single elephant's worth would pay for decent housing and education for
all the refugees Britain has admitted in the last year.

'Murdoch met Blair just before the last elections. What assurances
would he have asked for about taxes and the rules against media
monopolies? Which party did The Sun support? How effective has Blair
been in closing the gap between the rich and the poor? How does this
square with so-called good citizenship?'

'You know I've been feeling a bit queasy lately, Stuart? You can
probably put two and two together&;#8230; Yes, I'm pregnant!'

'I'm sure you know that spiders are not insects. Arachnophobia therapy
is the third largest earner for psychiatrists. They meet secretly some
nights to breed and release thousands of them. If you ever sleep with a
shrink - and I hope not 'cos we're an item, lover boy - you might catch
her mumbling in her sleep, "Long live the spider!"'

'Stu, you may have guessed that I didn't really come into my money. I'm
the head of Microsoft; Bill Gates is just the front man. You see, I
realised that all that wealth and power would intimidate people and
prevent me having a real relationship, but I can't keep up the pretence
any longer. This won't change things between us, will it Stuart?'

'Stuart, you have probably noticed that I am not actually a total
mental and physical wreck. I don't really mainline smack. I've only
been injecting sterile water to pretend I had a problem, because I know
you like looking after people with problems and I thought that I could
keep you close to me that way. You don't hate me do you?'

Oh, God I wish she'd said any of these things. I could have lived with
any of them, any of them. But not what she did tell me.

'Stuart,' she said. 'You know I've been acting a little bit strange
when we've been in public together? Well, it wasn't really because I
didn't want to hurt my ex-boyfriend by being too affectionate with you
in his presence. You must have realised that I&;#8230; uh, I never
really&;#8230; Look, I don't love you. It's over. I'm sorry.'

As it happened we bumped into each other only a day later. I said
'Hallo!' in as friendly a way as I could manage. She cut me dead. She
was with someone else.

Women are fickle, and unknowable. I still love her. I'm bloody stupid
and I'll never learn. Once thick, always thick. But you probably
already know all this.