23: Near Death and New Start

Though it seemed impossible, the rain managed to pick up even more. It was blowing in multiple directions, and a couple of times entered the cave. Every time I was greeted by the bone-chilling air and then a spray of hard, almost liquid nitrogen-cold rain. If my hair had still been on my head, it would not have been plastered to my forehead, but blown backwards by the gusts. Though they didn’t enter the cave often, they were fiercely strong.

It obviously had occurred to me when I found my way to the cave that the ocean wasn’t the safest spot to be during a storm. I didn’t care at the moment, but the fear began to come over me again, and I made my way carefully to the sea. I looked down, the tide went way down, for just a second. It seemed OK to go, because I could even see the sand. I lifted my leg up and forward; I was ready to jump down. Then, the water came back up with a sudden spur of energy.

It gushed higher than it had been before, and filled the cave by nearly three inches. Suddenly, the rocks disappeared, and there was nothing in front of me, or to the left of me, but ocean. The rocks were completely submerged, and they were the only things that led me back to the foot of the cliff.

It took a moment to settle in the concept of being trapped, and it began to scare me. The water rushed back out, and I almost went with it, had I not been stepping in a shallow hole and been grabbing onto the wall. It rushed back in, and sprayed everywhere. My phone dropped out of my hand, and somewhere into the water. Not into the ocean, but in the cave, though I was sure the tide would carry it out. I was sure the tide would carry me out if I didn’t hurry. The storm was becoming violent on the ocean. The waves sucked deep in again, and again the sand and rocks were visible, though both were being eaten and eroded away. As soon as the bubbles cleared I saw my phone, and motioned to grab it. The force of the entering waves knocked me back into the pool.

I sat up, with the water up to my chin. I fought viciously trying to find an edge. The tide pulled me up against it, and my back crashed against the jagged rock. I let out a little grunt that was drowned by a mouthful of water. As soon as the tide went back down, I was up on my knees at the edge of the pool. I crawled out of it, and I looked down. My phone was gone, but it was probably a goner as soon as it hit the pool of water.

Spray showered my face, and a gust of wind and more rain followed. Again the waves crashed into me, and I was forced back into the pool. Again I was sent crashing against the side closest to the ocean. Good thing, though, because if it wasn’t for the pool, I would probably have been out drowning.

I was forced back again, and then I was forced across the pool, and to the other side. Again. Again. Again. I became dizzy quickly, and I began to think of the possibility of the constant impact to be hazardous, which it definitely was. What if I was knocked out? I would surely drown.

My heart was beating fast, but it was difficult to tell, with all the constant motion and rumbling of the sea and thunder. This threat didn’t seem so bad, because drowning would be painless. Though it was slim, there was still a chance for survival if I drowned, and that kept me fighting. Also, despite the past events, now that death was so close, it did not come so easy. The desire to actually leave the earth went down dramatically when the chance arrived.

I fought my way quickly to the edge of the pool farthest back from the ocean when the burst arrived, and it knocked me forward on my chest into the coarse ground. bits of rock and salty water filled my mouth, and it spit them out quickly. I hurriedly made my way to the back of the cave, and pressed myself up into a corner. The cave actually ended in hole that was about four feet high, and if I crawled into it, I was safely about a foot above the waves. They didn’t crash back here because they were broken by the entrance, so I was certainly safe unless the tide decided to increase dramatically.

Though, as I looked down, it was getting higher and higher. The waves were growing large. They were like beasts when they crashed into the entrance. Even if I was safe from their main blows, the sprays still soaked me, and made the rock slippery.

My ankle pulsed under me, but I kept it pressured against the wall so it was possible to stay up. The opposite forces on either side were the only true things that kept me safe from drowning. In fact, if I were to slip, I would probably be a goner, considering how far the water now rose. If I stood in the pool now, I would be probably neck high, which was something I could recently accomplish by sitting down. The water rose and fell with great dynamic now.

Then, something strange happened. All of the wind suddenly stopped. The waves rocked back and forth, but the wind took a pause. Suddenly things were calm.

Then, they were not. The wind gushed in, and I was drenched. It took me by so much surprise, and soaked my so much, that I slipped. I slid down the rock like it was a slide until I met with the ground. The waves were just coming in.

In a matter of mere milliseconds, I was completely submerged. It pulled me forward, and this time, my buoyancy kept me high above the pool. Too high for it to stop me. I tumbled out into the ocean.

I whirled around in the water, and suddenly was lost of where up and down were at. Yet I managed to come to the surface, just in time to be thrown back into the cliff wall. Pain shot through my body, and I was surprised I was still intact. The blows felt as if they could tear me into pieces. They felt like they could shatter me like glass. Yet nothing was broken. At least, it didn’t seem as if anything was.

The cave was right next to me. If only I could crawl in and get back into the pool, then I would be fine. I reached out of it, but it suddenly moved away from me. Or I moved away from it as the tide drug me back out into the open. I was submerged again. This time, I was ready for it to throw me at the cliff.

It did, and I felt my back connect with the hard rock. I felt around in the water, and grabbed onto a slab of rock that was probably around car sized. It had a little cleft in it that was big enough for me to fit my hands into. The water tried to pull me back into its depths, but I would not let it. I held on as tightly as possible, and then I ran.

I ran across the rocks as fast as I could, and tried my best not to slip. Though it was hard, and I almost smashed my face in if I caught myself. I grabbed onto a slab that was resembling a triangle. The tip pointed toward the cliff, so I wrapped my arms around it and hugged it as the water came up again.

The only problem with that was that I lost hold of it as the water came in. I smashed up against the cliff with my shoulder. It began to pull me out, but I was determined to make it back. I reached around frantically, and found footholds to slide into. My hands met small rocks that protruded from the cliff, and this was barely enough to keep me alive. It knocked me back into a sitting position, but by the time I was loose, the tide was way down. I jumped up and ran again. This time, I made it to a little cave where the rocks washed away under the rock, leaving a natural little hole that I squeezed into. The water sent me hurling against the edge, and my brains smacked against the wall. It left me feeling dizzy but still completely sane and alive. Which was a miracle in my mind at the moment. All of the air was knocked out of me, too, and I found myself gasping for it as the tide left.

Suddenly, I needed to stop for breath, but the tide was clearly one who wouldn’t wait. I screamed as the water rushed back in. I grunted for air, but of course none came. The water bubbled back out, and I found myself not climbing out and running, but sucking as much air as possible. My body knew it before I did, but I was going to be here for a little longer.

The waves crashed down again, and I braced for the impact, which saved me a possible head injury. Though I had been extremely lucky so far, I was not about to risk it. I sucked in the air as soon as I could, and braced for another crash. It came, and again I was ready.

This time when the tide went down, I made an effort to clamber out of the hole. My foot lost it’s grip, and I slipped down onto my face. Half of me was in the hole, and half of my lay exposed. The water rushed in, and I did my best to stay in place. The wave crashed softer now, not much, but just enough. If they had been at the force they had been in the cave I probably would have been dragged out every single time I had grabbed onto a rock or hid in a hole.

I felt the tide beginning to carry me out, and my legs instinctively raised up against the bottom of the rock. It acted like a lever, and it kept me mostly in place. Though, again, I was drug out a little. This time, it was just what I needed. I made a mad sprint across the rocks. I was hopping over and over rock after rock. What seemed like such a long walk to the cave was nearly over. I could see grass, and the little path that raised up the top of the cliff. Water began to move in again, and it tripped me up. I felt myself being blown back mid-jump, and I crashed against the cliff wall.

To my horror, I watched it begin to pull me back out. Thinking quickly, I jammed my entire arm into a crevice between two rocks. It put strain on my arm, and it felt like it was pulled out of it’s socket, but I remained in place. I pulled it out and moved it a little. It was fine. I hopped from rock to rock as fast as I could, and I could see the water coming back up from the corner of my eye. The rocks rose into a hill from here, and they led up to the path. If I could just make it a little further...

The water came up, and I found myself throwing my limbs around another slender rock. I heard a crash from my side, one that was not thunder. The rock hill that was the only way up onto the safe grass toppled over, and crashed down into the beach.

Even with all the water that blurred my eyes, I knew that there was a large gap missing, and some amazing jump would be required to make it back up. I wiped the water from my eyes, and gripped on tighter as the waves came back up. I found myself springing up just as they had passed, and it was safe to get up without drowning immediately. I had a little bit of a running start and only one chance.

I sprinted, and was ready to leap. My foot slipped on a rock, but it was too late to turn back. I jumped, and just missed the edge. I connected with the brick wall that was the only thing that surrounded the edge and kept it from eroding daily.

Why? Why was this the time that I had to slip? My feet had failed me at the most important moment. I found myself being dragged out into the water.

“I don’t want to die. I don’t wanna to die. I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die! I DON’T WANNA DIE!” I thought, maybe in my head and maybe out loud.

Even if I had screamed the phrase there was no one who was able to hear it, not even myself. The edge was usually around ten feet above normal ocean level. It had formed a mini-cliff alongside the huge one that stood next to it. To keep it from eroding, they put a brick wall along the edge, and finished it with a black railing. Now the waves crashed up dangerously close to the top of the wall, and the bottom of the railing.

I make my way back to the edge, and am thrown up against it. Even though I couldn’t see, I could feel the top with my arm, and it stroked grass as it leaves back out for shore. The water backed off, leaving fifteen feet between the top and it. It crashed back, and sent me up with it, and this time, I found myself clinging onto another cleft, this one in-between the bricks. The water fell back down, and I dangle dangerously from the wall. I hang on for dear life. Then I knew I screamed the phrase, “I’m not going to die! I’m not going to die! I won’t die!”

The water came back up, and crashed me into the wall. I nearly lost my hold as the water dragged me up, but I held on, and then I was dangling again. With effort, I raised one hand up enough to grab onto the railing. I slowly pulled myself up as the waves crashed again down below. My body tumbled over the side, and I found myself hugging the safe ground.

A moment ago, I didn’t even care that I was at risk of dying. Then, I nearly did die, and I was on the ground thanking God for saving me. Thanking my brother for saving me. Just like that, my faith was back. Maybe not a lot, but just enough to say that I had a faith. I laid on the ground for a moment, and let the water drum on my back. A little ways down the trail, the cliff went down even more, and connected with a beach. The beach was either completely visible, or the water hiked up all the way into the trees.

Even though I was out, I could still feel the swaying, as if the earth was swaying below me. I stood up, and nearly fell over. It was a miracle that I was unharmed, and I was so thankful. It was funny just how fast my emotions had been changing over the past while. I was depressed, then happy when I talked to people, then depressed, then happy, and then depressed. Now, I was happy again.

Not really happy, but at least I wasn’t depressed. I found myself running across the cliff, and I slid and slipped on the mud. Now that the adrenaline went down, there was no need to be in survival mode. My balance went back down to its normal point, and I found myself falling a couple of time in the mud, but I didn’t care. A little fall into soft ground was nothing compared to the impact of being thrown against a wall of rock.

I hurried down, and carefully stepped across the rocks on the other side. The beach was empty. The streets were empty. The storm was lightening up a little, but it still came down in thick heavy globs and lightning still struck every couple seconds. My feet pulled against the ground in a good traction sort of way, and so I shot up the sand to the street.

I looked blankly at the steps, and missed when Cliff and I would do tricks down them. And I though I was depressed then, only to become what I was in the cave. I shook my head an hurried along.

Though I was feeling better, despite a near-death experience, Cliff was still to worry about. Ida was still to worry about. What if she did actually end up killing herself? Not only would I lose a new friend because of someone I thought to be my best friend, but I would probably spiral back into depression. The way depression worked, anything could strike at any moment, and I hated it.

I sprinted up the driveway. Cliff was standing out on the porch looking up at the sky. I saw a small bruise on his neck... or was it a bruise? I’d bet it wasn’t. I’d bet that it was from whoever the girl was after Ida. Anger came smacking across my body. It showed on my face, I could tell by the tension in my jaw and the look Cliff gave me.

“Hey! What’s going on?”

I pulled him into the house by his shirt. I knew he was stronger, but I also knew he wouldn’t hurt me. We stood in complete darkness staring at each other. His stares were filled with bewilderment, and mine were filled with anger.

“You’ve been lying!” I scream.

I scream. I scream at Cliff! Suddenly, I flash back on my former self, the one who wouldn’t even hurt a fly. The one who was too mild-mannered to speak out against anything. If I was that same kid I probably would have said nothing to an injustice such as the game Cliff has been playing.

“What?”

“You lie! You say you never lie but you do!”

“Look, Austin, I’ve always been honest with you. At least, after-”

“I don’t give a fuck about your fiancé! Yeah, she left you! But you’re the same person you were then, except you hide it in shadows. You’ve lied to girls all along! And you sleep with so many. Why?”

“Because!”

“Because why?”

“Because I am that way, Austin! I don’t know what’s come over you-”

“No! It’s my turn to talk. I’ve held this back, repressed, for years. I’ve held it all back. I bottle-”

“Up your emotions. And this is what happens when they get loose.”

“So then let me get them loose! If you’d changed, you’d never sleep with so many people! It’s because of her! She’s turned you into this!”

“No she hasn’t! I’ve changed for the better, in any case!”

“No! You haven’t! You lied to Ida! You told her you’d call!”

“And? Of course I lie! No one doesn’t! You should know that by now! Austin, you’re my best friend, but I don’t know if I can handle this at the moment!”

“And Ida can handle it?!”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s at her house right now. Probably marking up her leg! She’s probably already put a shot through her temple or something!”

He shot me an accusing glance, as if he doesn’t believe any of it. He believe’s I’m making up Ida’s death threat towards herself.

“You’re jealous! You’re jealous because you can’t have her!”

Lightening shot through the sky, illuminating the both of us. For a second, I could see the fear hidden behind Cliff’s rage. There is some doubt, but of course Cliff would be the person who would deny it all out of anger, just because he is so hot-tempered. And he is. So he yells more.

“Look at you! I’ve tried and tried and you sit here and complain about your oh-so-bad life! It’s not fucking bad, you dumb fuck! It’s fine! Open your eyes! Ida doesn’t want you! She wants me! And just because you want her does not mean that you get to sit here and yell at me like this! I’m this close to smashing your brains in! Look! It’s over! And you know what? You need to realize that! It’s over between you and Ida because it was blown! Life moves on! Get the fuck over it!”

Usually if Cliff is in one of his angry flashes, I stare back and agree with everything. I almost wanted to, yet his outburst was too far for even the old me.

“No! I don’t honestly give a fuck if I like Ida! You know why? Because I can admit and see what I’m doing! You’re using girls! You have been and I don’t think it’s right!...I-I never have, really! And Ida called me earlier, and she said she was going to kill herself! She loves you, and you just used her!”

He stared blankly for a bit.

“Oh, wait! You’re not mad at me, you’re mad that I hurt Ida!”

This was not a yell of anger, but rather one of realization. A smile ran across his face. Cliff’s ability to see through the fight to the real situation was tremendous, considering I had just realized what he said was true as he said it. Now I realized what I was mad it. I realized I didn’t need to be mad right now. I needed to do something.

“You’ve gotta go talk to her!”

“Did she really call?”

“Of course! I’d show you, but I lost it... That doesn’t matter. You’ve gotta get over there. I’m sure she’s in love with you. Or... whatever love is.”

I thought to myself about how much I didn’t believe love existed. How much I believed that it was just a myth. Maybe it was real. Maybe Ida had found it. Maybe she had found it with the wrong person.

Though I loved Cliff, and it was hard to say that he was the wrong person to love. Honestly, who couldn’t love him?

“Yeah. I should head over there. I’ll call her aunt’s cell on the way. Hopefully she’ll have it with her.”

“Her aunt never uses it, so you’ll be fine. Hurry!”

As he rushed out the door, I could feel a coldness building inside. It set down as the door slammed. Now that I was alone, and Cliff was going to Ida, the situation was out of my hands. I felt free of it, and suddenly felt empty. I felt like I wanted to lay down and never get up. Yet it wasn’t out of depression, it was out of a fear that the plan would go badly once out of my control. This was a new feeling, because things were never usually in my control to begin with to be taken out of it.

I stumbled out to the kitchen, and fumbled around one of the doors. Fuck DHS. All they ever were were just people with problems. Only one left a lasting impression on me. I found what I was looking for and set it on the counter.

I slowly opened up the old phonebook and searched for Cheyenne. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to tell someone about everything that had happened. I needed to tell someone about nearly dying. Who better than Cheyenne? I could just pick up from where I left off with her a little while ago. Enough had happened. Definitely enough.

One thing I had realized through the whole ordeal was that I had been bottling things up my entire life, and they were just beginning to come back up to the surface. I decided this was because I was nearing a sort of emotional breaking point. My dynamically changing emotions told my I was on edge.

Bottling up was not good, now that I had seen the effects of it. I needed to get all this information out. I needed to tell someone things from my side of the story. I didn’t want some stranger. Stranger had their own benefit, but at the moment I was looking for a friend, and I only had two. Both were dealing with other problems. But now that the situation was temporarily off of my hands I was free for a while, and I needed a friend to talk to. I didn’t want things to bottle up again.

With a newly found hope at life I found the right page and the right number. After almost dying, everything seemed to have disappeared behind me. It was like the passing of a storm: there was still rain, but it was calmer, and it was on a start to a sunny day. I was making my way back up into the sky.

I looked outside. The thunder still grumbled. The rain still patted down, but lightly. I looked closer and saw the sun shine through just as it was about to disappear behind the horizon. After the long day I smiled as I dialed from our home phone. I had fought with Ida. I had cried. I had cut myself. I had nearly died in the ocean. Yet I smiled.

I looked back out the window and saw a small little rainbow across the sky. It was small, yet it was a start. I gave a little laugh, and a familiar voice picked up from the other end.