The Community Water Officer (part 1 of 2)

'Marnie!' screamed Vincent.

Vincent leant his forehead against the bathroom door, eyes fixed on his phone's countdown timer. The display was only partially visible behind the shattered glass, since it was another of his stated family principles that consumer products may only be replaced once they no longer performed their primary function. As the timer moved past 08:00 he bellowed Marnie's name again.

'I would have thought that counted as shouting,' said Marnie, her voice muffled by the noise of the shower.

'I am not shouting. I'm increasing the volume of my voice so it can be heard over all the water cascading into the bath,' shouted Vincent.

'You told us shouting was the indication of an under-used intellect.'

Vincent exhaled slowly for a count of ten, dipping his chin slowly to his chest as his hypnotherapist had taught.

'I recorded you saying it, if you need a reminder.' Keavie stood in his bedroom doorway, wearing only football shorts. Vincent fought back the urge to remind him this was December, one of the cold months of the year. 'If you want I can send it as a ringtone. An aide memoire?'

'I can't really hear what you're saying, anyway,' called Marnie.

'Because of the water! You have to stop using all that water!' said Vincent. He picked up Marnie's jeans where they lay on the carpet and threw them back down to the same location. 'You've been in there more than eight minutes!'

Vincent's intensity of feeling was fuelled, in part, by the two pints drunk that afternoon. Afternoon drinking was a habit he had rekindled in the preceding week, ever since Barbra Tovey cut two of his classes at the English First Language School. In protest at his reduced workload Vincent made the unilateral decision not to teach any of his classes. Instead he hung out first in the city library, and later in the Freemasons Arms, whilst he waited for Barbra Tovey to call and beg him to return. Barbra Tovey had not called.

'I'm stretched very thin at the moment!' said Vincent. A spray of saliva shone on the wood panelling of the door. 'Marnie!'

The shower curtain rattled along the rail. Vincent waited for the hiss of the shower to stop. The water continued.

'At your community meeting on Tuesday,' said Marnie, clearly now, 'you told Mrs Filipowski and that guy from the Italian shop we were now heating all our own water.'

'And we are, Marnie. We are,' Vincent's chest hurt from the effort required to calm his voice. 'But water still has to be pumped into the rooftop heating tubes. And what's the point in solar heating our own water,' his voice cranked up to a screech again, 'when your interminable showers mean our water consumption is through the roof! I want you to come out and look at this bill!' He waved the water bill high above his head. 'I may now be heating it, but I haven't yet learnt how to make my own fucking water! Sorry Keavie. I didn't mean that.'

'You do know how to make your own fucking water?' said Keavie.

'I mean you shouldn't say that. I shouldn't say that. Please, Marnie? Can we get out of the shower now? Please.'

Lana looked up from the bottom of the stairs.

'What about you, honey?' Vincent leaned his head against the wall. 'Maybe you want to say something here.'

'I am not sure that I do,' said Lana.

'You don't have an opinion?'

'I just told you, I don't want to say anything.'

'Does the water bill have no meaning for you?''

'I think you should leave Marnie alone. Teenage girls like to be in the shower.'

'I agree with Mum,' called Marnie.

'You can hear me now, then?' said Vincent.

'Should I record this as well? Someone might want to reference it later.' Keavie disappeared back into his bedroom.

'We agreed that Marnie needs to take shorter showers,' Vincent said to Lana. 'You agreed with me.'

'I wanted to go to bed,' said Lana. 'Agreeing was the only way I could think to finish the conversation.'

'Says she who once worked for WaterAid.'

'And what a bunch of arseholes they turned out to be.'

Lana threw a tea towel over her shoulder, to indicate her imminent return to the kitchen.

In the bathroom the sound of water continued.

'I'm going to have a breakdown,' said Vincent. 'If I have to listen to the thundering sound of water, like this, every single day.'

Keavie appeared back in the doorway with a microphone.

Vincent remembered: breathe, count, subside. He breathed out, long and hard, but felt no better, only breathless.

*

'I'm in need of some help,' said Vincent.

'Absolutely, sir.'

'With my water bill. It says on here that if you need some help with your bill to ring this number.'

Vincent stood out in front of their house, rocking his boots on the edge of the pavement. He raised his hand in silent greeting to an elderly woman walking a dog. He liked to conduct phone calls outside, even though the heavy traffic made audibility difficult. It makes you feel, he told Lana, more like a part of the community.

'I can do that for you, sir. You're talking with Maneeze today. If you could just give me your account number.'

'You don't need to call me sir. What I'd like is to speak with your Community Water Officer.'

'I'm not too sure who that is right now. If you can just give me your account number?'

'Well then who is the person that helps with bills?'

'That'll be me today.'

'Are you a Community Water Officer?'

'No, sir.'

'You're calling me sir again. I just need someone from your local team to come talk to my daughter. To educate her about how excessive water usage is devastating our planet. I think it would really help if someone official came and talked to her.'

'You've come through to bills, sir. You said you wanted help with your bill?'

'Well can you please then transfer me? To my local Community Water Officer.'

'I don't think I can do that, sir,' said Maneeze.

'You're refusing to transfer me?'

'I just don't have that number available, I'm afraid.'

'Is that because – you work in Delhi?'

'I'm not in Delhi, sir.'

'I know you have to say that.'

'I'm not in Delhi. I'm in Croydon.'

'So let's pretend Croydon. Well, Maneeze, do you not care about our excessive water consumption? Can't you put me through to someone there who does care?'

There was a moment's silence. 'Of course I care, sir,' said Maneeze.

'So can't you help me do something about it?'

'Didn't you say it's your daughter who is using the water?'

'That's right.'

'Then why don't you talk to your daughter about it?'

'I have talked to her. She takes no notice of me.'

A rubbish truck thundered down the road.

'I mean how long do you spend in the shower?' said Vincent. 'Do you have fifteen minute showers? Is that normal?'

'I don't know, sir.'

'Or did you have showers that long when you were a teenager, I mean? Maybe you are a teenager, still.'

'I don't feel these are very appropriate questions, sir.'

'No. They're not. I'm sorry.'

'I'm feeling rather uncomfortable.'

'I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Please accept my apology.'

'Is there anything else I can help you with?'

'I'm going to end this call now.'

'If that's the case then I'd like to send a short survey for you to complete, sir. Are you happy for me to send you a survey?'

'No.'

'By way of apology. If you could take just a few minutes to fill it out with some positive feedback that would make a big difference to me.'

'I have to say I'm not feeling that positive.'

'These calls are recorded, sir.'

'For training purposes?'

'Training purposes, and wellbeing of staff. Plus I have a transcript right here. Some positive feedback on my performance today would be really useful, you know.'

'Of course.'

'I'm sending the survey now.'

'How?'

Vincent's phone pinged.

*

'I'd like to speak with Marnie Ellison, please,' said the woman on the doorstep.

'Of course!' smiled Vincent. 'And who shall I say is calling?'

'I'm your Community Water Officer.'

'Marnie!' Vincent called up the stairs. 'There's someone here to see you!'

'Who did you say you are again?' Marnie perched on the edge of her seat at the kitchen table, angled away from Vincent.

'The Community Water Officer. As your Community Water Officer it is my area of expert knowledge to undertake analyses of household water consumption in the area.' The Community Water Officer wore a navy blue suit jacket and skirt that were a size or two small for her. She pulled a laptop from her shoulder bag and flipped it open.

Lana appeared in the doorway. 'Who did you say you are?' she said.

'Very pleased to meet you.' The Community Water Officer jumped to her feet and held out a hand. 'I'm your Community Water Officer. Here to tell you all about how not to use so much water.'

'You're a what?' said Lana.

'My wife is from Poland,' said Vincent.

'And in Poland we don't have people coming into our house to tell us how to use water,' said Lana, directing this at Vincent.

'I'm guessing you don't have Community Water Officers in Poland?' The Community Water Officer rotated her hands in front of her.

'Did you ask her to come?' Marnie said to Vincent.

'The water board sent me,' said the Community Water Officer. 'Like I said, our computers do extensive analysis of water bills.'

'At the door you asked for me,' said Marnie. 'Like I'm the only one here who uses water.'

'Expert research has shown teenage water usage to be one of the largest contributors to water wastage. Just look here.' The Community Water Officer pushed the laptop around on the table and nodded at the photo of a polar bear on the screen. 'Do you really want to be responsible for the death of beautiful animals such as this?'

'I'm not,' said Marnie.

'And this.' The Community Water Officer pressed a key, and the Powerpoint presentation moved forward a slide to show African children gathered around a well. 'Do you think you should have water when these children don't?'

'No,' said Marnie.

'So the job of a Community Water Officer is to threaten teenage girls?' said Lana.

'Oh no, madam. This is an educational programme.'

'Maybe you're being a little bit harsh,' said Vincent.

'Please, sir.' The Community Water Officer held up a hand. 'I'd rather you let me deal with this.'

'Perhaps if you just tell Marnie some facts and figures about average household water consumption?'

'If you don't mind, sir. If you let me deal with this. I think maybe it best if I speak with Marnie alone.'

'Well – '

'If you could just let us have the room for a few minutes?'

*

'So I mean, this is an acting job, really?' said Nat, when Vincent met her in the Freemasons Arms the day before.

'You'd be playing a role, yes,' said Vincent. 'Acting like a Community Water Officer.'

'And what's my backstory?' said Nat. 'How do I spend my days in the other arenas of my life? How did I become a Community Water Officer?'

'It's just for half an hour or so,' said Vincent. 'Just a little bit of acting.'

'Well, acting is what I do,' said Nat. 'You know that.'

Vincent had known about Nat's acting since first meeting her at Barney''s fortieth birthday. He had less met her than occupied a similar section of dancefloor for most of the evening, twisting around her curvy body and grinning at her every so often. Even when he asked her name, the only words he made out over the music were, 'I'm an actress'. Rather than stop dancing she showed him her Facebook profile on her phone, followed by a handdrawn poster for her latest play. As a consequence Vincent knew that Nat had a pierced left nipple, since she spent most of the play rolling naked across the stage, repeating a line about the cancer in her belly to a man on the other side of the room, who insisted he was Jesus whilst slowly removing his own clothes.'

'Marnie just needs a little cajoling,' said Vincent. 'She's a lovely girl, really.'

'Like tickling?'

'Not tickling. Cajoling, encouraging. Put the fear in her a little. Make her care more.'

'Is that how you make people care? Put the fear in them?' Nat took a notepad and pen from her bag.

'Just – give her a few facts. Be the authority.'

'I actually haven't worked in ages,' said Nat excitedly. 'This could really get me back into it.'

'This isn't a paid role, I'm afraid,' said Vincent.

'Oh, I don't do it for the money.' Nat looked offended. 'The winter of our discontent,' she said, deep and sonorous.

*

'Did you know that the global walrus population has actually increased this year?' said Nat as she stepped from their front door more than an hour later.

'Bye, then.' Marnie hovered on the bottom stair.

'Well, I'm sure you learnt lots of useful stuff,' said Vincent.

'That was actually something Marnie told me. We talked for ages about walruses,' said Nat.

'I like walruses,' said Marnie.

'Marnie told me about her speech to the environmental panel at school,' said Nat.

'When was that?' said Vincent.

'Maybe your school would like me to go give a talk sometime, Marnie?' said Nat.

'Anyway,' said Vincent. 'You did talk about how shorter showers were essential for the environment, at least?'

'We didn't really get into specifics,' said Nat. 'But I'm happy to come back to discuss it all further.'

'Well,' Vincent held out a hand. 'Thanks so much for coming round.'

'Call me any time,' said Nat, and clicked off down the street in her heels.

*

Read part 2 here

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash