Double Debra

When Debra walked out on him on Thursday afternoon, Joseph knew just the sounds she would make as she left: the stamp down the stairs, the pause to put on her coat, the slam of the flat door. Joseph had not called after her. The familiarity of her movements annoyed him more than the fact of her walking out. She would come back, as she had before, and he would still know every wave of her hair and curve of her face. When Debra did return late on Friday morning, Joseph acted as though he had scarcely noticed her absence.

Debra came home to Joseph and Debra on Friday afternoon.

Joseph stood by the cooker, his dinner half eaten. Debra sat at the kitchen table. Debra sat opposite her.

‘You said you were going to Helen’s for the night,’ said Joseph. ‘You didn’t say anything about this.’

‘That’s because I knew you’d be a bit funny about it,’ said Debra. Debra smiled at her.

‘But how do I tell which one of you is the original?’ Joseph tried to laugh.

‘Does it matter?’

‘Just that it would be nice to know which of you is my girlfriend. And which is her – you know. Which of you is the mother of our daughter, say.’

‘We both are. We’ve got identical memories,’ said Debra.

‘We were hoping you’d like it,’ said the other Debra. ‘You complained I was never around, and now I’ll be around a lot more. One of me can go to college and the other help out more at home. Look after Molly more.’

The Debras cleared the dinner plates to the sink. Joseph didn’t even get a chance to help. One Debra washed and the other dried.

‘But surely cloning is about growing a new person from an egg?’

‘Not the place I went to,’ said Debra.

*

‘You didn’t have to do this,’ said Joseph, later that night. Debra checked the back door was locked whilst Debra turned off the lounge lights. ‘I was just a bit – stressed out when I said you never had time to do anything.’

‘It’s fine,’ said Debra, kissing him on the forehead. ‘It’ll make things easier.’

‘I didn’t even know this was – possible.’

‘Well you don’t know everything, honey, do you?’ said Debra, coming back into the room.

‘But what about Molly? Isn’t she going to be very confused?’

‘We’ve thought of that. We’re only going to appear to her one at a time.’

The Debras went through into the bedroom.

‘And now I have two girlfriends,’ said Joseph, calling after them. ‘I don’t know how I feel about that.’

‘Are you coming to bed?’ A Debra poked her head around the doorway.

‘Where are you both going to sleep?’ said Joseph.

‘Same place we always sleep,’ said the Debras together, looking at each other and smirking.

Joseph hurried on into the bedroom.

*

On the Saturday morning Joseph was delighted to find one Debra had got up to look after Molly, and so he was able to lie around in bed with the other. Throughout the weekend he acted as though nothing could be more normal than having two identical girlfriends. He delighted in talking to one about a particular subject and then having an identical conversation with the other.

On Monday one of the Debras left early for college whilst the other took Molly to nursery.

‘Why don’t you come straight back after nursery?’ said Joseph as Debra went out the door. ‘We can spend the morning together.’

‘Don’t you have loads of work to do?’ said Debra.

‘It’ll keep.’

‘I’m meeting Debra. I need to read her notes from this morning’s lectures.’

‘You can’t do that later?’

‘We arranged to meet for coffee in her break.’

‘What if someone sees you? The two of you, together?’

‘I have a disguise,’ said Debra theatrically, wagging a pair of sunglasses.

‘Right. Oh well then.’

‘We’ve still both got to study Joseph,’ said Debra. ‘We’re not telepathic, you know.’

*

Joseph spent the morning in his home office, trying to prepare some designs for work, but found it hard to concentrate. After lunch he left his desk to tidy the flat but found nothing to tidy. He thought he’d cook an evening meal for everyone, but there was already a pot of stew on the stove.

When Debra returned from college she gave Molly her tea whilst the other Debra hid in the bedroom to read a book. Joseph tried to help with tea but Debra said she was fine. He went to read on the bed with the other Debra.

‘You don’t have to do everything, you know,’ he said after a few minutes. ‘The two of you. You don’t have to look after everything.’

‘It’s fine,’ said Debra, not looking up from her book.

‘What I mean is at least let me do my share. A third, I suppose.’

‘We just don’t want you getting annoyed all the time again.’

‘I don’t think I was annoyed all the time.’

Debra continued to read her book.

‘Didn’t you finish that yesterday?’ said Joseph.

‘That must have been the other me.’

Later that week, as he read a bedtime story to Molly, Joseph could hear the low murmuring of the Debras talking in the bedroom, occasionally broken by laughter.

‘Who’s Mummy talking to?’ interrupted Molly.

‘No one,’ said Joseph.

‘She is.’

‘She must be on the phone. Shall we finish the book?’

He kissed Molly goodnight and went into the bedroom. The Debras stopped talking as he pushed open the door. Both were half dressed, trying on clothes.

‘Are you okay, darling?’ one of them asked him.

‘I’m just feeling a bit – confused.’

Joseph sat on the bed between the two of them.

‘Poor thing,’ said a Debra, stroking his arm.

‘It’ll take a bit of getting used to,’ said the other. ‘But we all have much more spare time now. Isn’t that what you wanted?’

‘I just wonder if I’m – still needed around here.’

‘Don’t be silly, darling,’ said Debra, kissing him on the cheek. ‘You’re Molly’s father. She needs her father here.’

‘But if it doesn’t work out,’ said Joseph, ‘what’s the procedure for one of you going back?’

‘Going back?’

‘What would you have to do?’

‘Are you talking about some kind of – termination? That seems rather barbaric.’

‘No, of course not.’

‘What are you talking about, then?’

‘I don’t know.’ Joseph jumped up from the bed. ‘What do the two of you find to talk about all the time, anyway?’

‘Actually we were wondering when you’re going to fix that door you keep saying you’re going to do.’

‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’

The Debras raised their eyebrows at each other.

‘I wish you wouldn’t do that,’ said Joseph, leaving the room.

*

‘Why don’t you call up Andy? said Debra the next morning. ‘You should arrange to go on that weekend away you’re always talking about.’

‘You want me to?’

‘We think you should.’

‘Why are you so keen for me to go on holiday?’

‘You always complained you couldn’t before. Now that there’s two me you can.’

‘But I can’t leave you looking after Molly. It wouldn’t be fair.’

‘We’ll be fine.’

‘And you’re suggesting that’s fair?’

‘Of course.’

Debra poured them both another cup of tea.

‘We might go away as well.’

‘You and Molly?’

‘The three of us.’

‘Where to?’

‘We might rent a cottage or something. In Dorset. We found this nice little place on the internet.’

‘And what about your rule about Molly? About her not seeing the two of you?’

‘Oh that’s all sorted out. Molly knows. She’s fine with it.’

‘Don’t I get a say in the matter?’ Joseph called after Debra as she left the room.

In the middle of the night Joseph was woken from a fitful sleep by a rustling sound on the other side of the bed.

‘Debra?’ he whispered.

The rustling stopped.

‘What?’

‘What are you – ?

There was no answer, and then a small giggle.

‘I thought you said you were both tired!’

‘I couldn’t sleep.’

‘So now you’re – ’

‘What?’

‘Well I don’t know what you’d call it.’

‘What if I was?’

‘Well isn’t that a bit – weird?’

‘No,’ said Debra.

‘Call it my version of the dead arm,’ said the other. ‘When teenage boys give themselves a dead arm so it doesn’t feel like their own hand. Remember telling me that?’

Joseph sat up in bed. ‘You know, I’m just not sure there’s room in this bed for all three of us. We’re not sleeping properly. And I always seem to end up sleeping on one side. When do I get to sleep in the middle?’

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘Well. Yes.’

‘One of us can go on the sofa bed in the lounge.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Tonight you and Debra sleep here,’ said Debra, climbing out of bed and putting on a dressing gown. ‘Tomorrow you and me. And then Debra and I the night after.’

‘Debra and you?’

‘That’s fair, isn’t it?’

‘But – ’

‘I shouldn’t have to always sleep on the sofa bed, should I?’

Debra left the room, and Debra turned her back on him.

*

Debra dragged the two large suitcases in through the front door. Debra followed her in, carrying Molly.

‘Here, let me help,’ said Joseph, emerging from the kitchen. He kissed the three of them.
‘Did you have a good time?’

‘Good. It was nice. How was your weekend with Andy?’

‘I didn’t go away with Andy in the end. Come in the kitchen. I’ve got a surprise for you.’

At the kitchen table sat Joseph’s clone. He jumped up, grinning, and kissed the three of them enthusiastically.

‘I’ve done all of those bits and pieces you were on about. Look, the door’s fixed,’ said Joseph’s clone.

‘We both fixed it,’ said Joseph.

Molly looked from Joseph to Joseph, and from Debra to Debra.

‘Are there any more of you?’ she asked.

Joseph appeared much cheerier than he felt. There had already been a number of disagreements. His clone had not taken kindly to being asked to fix the door and tidy the house, and after a brief stand-off they had agreed to share the tasks. When these were completed Joseph had hoped that they might sit down and play chess, but his clone had wanted to finish a book that Joseph had been reading.

‘Why do you think you should decide everything we do?’ said his clone. ‘What makes you think you’re in charge?’

‘Because I’m the original,’ said Joseph. ‘That gives me some kind of precedence, doesn’t it?’

‘You’re the original?’ said the other Joseph. ‘As far as I recall, I had you cloned from me. I distinctly remember telephoning the clinic.’

‘Only because you’ve got my memories!’ said Joseph. ‘Who was it who sat in the waiting room of the clinic?’

The Joseph whom Joseph was almost certain was his clone refused to discuss it any further.

‘So where’s everyone sleeping, then?’ asked Debra, later.

The four sat in silence eating dinner. Joseph had not considered the sleeping arrangements.

‘Me and you, one of you, whichever, in our bed, the other me and you on the sofa bed,’ jumped in the other Joseph. ‘That’s the obvious solution. We’ll swap each night.’

‘Debra and I would like to sleep together sometimes. Tonight, in fact.’

‘Why? That doesn’t make sense now there’s two of me,’ said Joseph.

‘I’d very much like to sleep with one of you,’ said Joseph’s clone. His reasonable, almost seductive tone irritated Joseph.

‘You can tomorrow night, Joseph,’ said the other Debra. ‘Both of you can. But you’ve got each other to sleep with now. Now you don’t have to spend the night on your own, which you were complaining about before.’

‘It would be nice if you seemed keener to sleep with me rather than yourself,’ moaned Joseph.

‘I didn’t say I didn’t want to sleep with you. Just sometimes I want to sleep with Debra.’

‘Are you saying she’s better than me in bed?’

‘Oh, leave it,’ said the other Joseph said. ‘Stop complaining about everything.’

The three of them looked at Joseph.

‘Don’t be so jealous, darling,’ smiled Debra.

By bedtime Joseph had argued his way to sharing a bed with Debra, though was relegated to the sofa. As he pulled the bed out he watched the other Joseph playfully nudge the other Debra out of the room.

‘Night,’ called his clone from the bedroom.

Joseph wanted to punch him.

*

‘Joseph and I are leaving,’ Debra announced to Joseph at breakfast one morning. The other Joseph was upstairs shaving, and the other Debra dressing Molly.

‘You’re what?’

‘It’s for the best, Joseph. We’ll be gone when you’re back from taking Molly to nursery. Don’t tell Debra. I’m worried she’ll cause a scene.’

‘You’re walking out on me? Just like that?’

‘You’ll be happier if we do. You’ve been even more miserable since all this started.’

‘What about Molly? You’re abandoning her?’

‘No one’s abandoning her. She’ll still have two parents here.’

‘Why him?’

‘We’ve fallen in love, Joseph. It’s – made me feel all different about myself. And of course I’ll miss Molly.’

‘You’ve fallen in love with my clone?’

‘You must stop repeating everything I say. It’s like there’s an echo in the room.’

‘How do you know it’s not me you’ve fallen in love with?’ cried Joseph.

‘Shh. Debra’ll hear you. Finish your breakfast. Molly will be late for nursery.’

*

Debra left for work, and Joseph found himself alone in the house with the couple. He refused to take Molly to nursery, and did puzzles with her in the lounge instead, listening to their movements around the flat.

‘Daddy, I need the toilet,’ said Molly.

When he came out of the bathroom they were gone.

When Debra returned from college she sat at the kitchen table in tears for most of the evening. Joseph sat with her and said nothing.

It was not unpleasant or uncomfortable for him to sit there with her. He was once again alone with Debra as they had been before, alone on a weekend night amid the domesticity of their city flat. But now she looked to him like another, slightly imperfect clone. She was a Debra he had not seen before.

‘Thank you, Joe,’ said Debra, smiling as he passed her another tissue. ‘Sorry about the snivelling.’