Letter to a Friend

Marianne,

 

I can tell you for a fact you will never read this passage or whatever, for if I have the chance, I would say all this to your face.

 

But I can't do that either. Because of what I did to you. Do I regret it? No. That's not what this is about. I truthfully feel I am still in the right with
that argument and I'm not shifting.

 

For, Marianne, this isn't about high school drama. This is about me coming to terms with “god”.

 

I have defined “love” perfectly for my taste. Precisely (note my avoidance of the word “exactly”) what it is and why it is here. I have defined many other terms that laymen (being non-scientific-minded people) find extraordinary.

 

But I have avoided that one term. The word is “god”.

 

I have a definition. It is not scientifically logical or correct whatsoever. This is my definition. My definition of “god”.

 

Until age 13, I followed the Christian God. The God of the Bible. The God of Adam and Eve. The God of the seven disciples. The following of Jesus Christ, also known as The Son of God. January of 2013, I found a video. This video was called “Spirit Science”.

 

And I ate it up, I'm sorry to say. I was desperate. I felt abandoned by the Christian God who taught me for years that Science may be the equivalent of the Christian Satan. But meanwhile, Science went on. It didn't care if I joined the movement or stay a Christian. I was desperate for a medium. A half-way point if you will. For, I was fresh out of this
pod of Christianity and still thought there had to be compromises
that were good in every way.

 

I now realize that was foolish of me to think and was wrong.

 

But for two years, I followed Spirit Science with a passion. I wanted reason. I went all out. Crystal healing. Chakras. Yoga. Woo. Then I looked at the facts and realized something.

 

For two long years, I followed Word Salad (defined as using terms not in their real meaning, but bent slightly in order to alter a lesson or argument).

 

Nothing more.

 

It was just garbage. Every choice I made was influenced by this stuff. It was a terrible experience. So I went through some solitude and realized soemething as I went through with life.

 

I am an atheist. There is such a low probability that any god exists. I see things slightly differently know.

 

I'm still an atheist. I believe no single, omnipotent being could exist in our universe with our laws. But I do believe in a “god”. Or at least this
definition. My definition.

 

January 21^st, 2015. The day I would take my own life. I had it ready I had
everything. As a final kick in the nuts to my past religion, I told
the world of who I really was. I told them I was bisexual.

 

And I am still proud to say I look at men the same way. It wasn't just rebellion.

 

I was held back an extra two minutes by my group of friends. Two minutes. If those two minutes didn't happen, I would be dead. Done. Ended.

 

I was ended up taking an empty seat next to this girl.

 

And get this... a ginger.

 

Okay, not really appropriate for jokes right now.

 

That night, I was seconds away. So close. Death would grab my hand and lead me into the darkness. Into nothingness.

 

Then I remembered.

 

“The name?!” I wrote in my journal. “I forgot to ask her name!”

 

I had a reason to wake up the next morning.

 

Kori Bailey.

 

The most amazing person I will ever meet.

 

That was three months ago today. That seems amazing writing. Mind-blowing.

 

Three of the longest months of my life.

But now I know what god was. What god is.

 

God, as I see it, is hope created by the human brain. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for that silver lining. Hope that everything will be okay.

 

Someone you could talk to with issues and they take your side, no matter what. Even if it's something as ridiculous as a jacket that looks like a rug.

 

Kori Bailey is my definition of “god”. She is “God” to me. I care about her
more than I ever cared for the Christian God. That is an amazing
thing.

 

And nothing is going to take that away. You can talk about us, Marianne. You can say whatever you want. To our faces or behind our backs. I don't care and I'm pretty sure she doesn't.

 

Even when she's gone and our lives become just another part of the shadow they leave behind. Just another footprint.

 

I believe the friendship and the hope she gave me will live on forever.

 

Kori Bailey.

 

The love of my life.

 

My best friend.

 

My God.