An American Folk Tale

Before the end of this year, Sweetie will have pubic hair. What is more this will prove to be a world shattering event, widely reported in the newspapers and on television. "Why so?" you may ask. If Sweetie is about twelve years old surely it must be the most natural thing in the world. Ah, but Sweetie is 45 years old this year.

To make things clearer, I must explain that Sweetie is a plastic doll, about 8 inches tall. She has had a bosom this many years, breasts coyly large, and of an improbable shape - and without nipples of course. The coming of Sweetie's bosom itself caused a considerable stir at the time, but it was nothing compared with the commotion that will arise later this year.

Strangely enough, for such a momentous change as this, no-one at Sweetie Inc. (Sweetie's parent organisation as it were) can quite remember whose idea it was in the first place. It evolved in the tortuous decision-making process of Sweetie Inc and the details of its origin are lost in the mists of recent history.

Certainly it was not the brainwave of Max Maestro who is the C.E.O. of Sweetie Inc. The proposal had seen the light of day, had been discussed at endless meetings and had been firmly adopted as corporate policy before any news of it had reached the ears of Max Maestro. A C.E.O., you understand, is such an elevated person that you cannot expect him (or her, as the case may be) to be involved in the details of running the organisation. Few, if any, of the operative decisions of a mighty organisation like this can, in the very nature of things, be brought to the attention of the C.E.O. He - or she - is too immersed in titanic struggles with such major powers as Hedge Funds, Private Equity Funds and the like. Grand strategy, not tactics, is the proper concern of the C.E.O.

Later in the year, when Sweetie's pubic hair has become one of the hottest items in the news, it will seem obvious to everyone that this whole business was the brainwave of Max Maestro. A major marketing coup resulting in a meteoric rise in Sweetie Inc.'s share price was clearly the work of the C.E.O. No-one will believe this more strongly, nor more sincerely, than Max Maestro.

The whole marketing strategy is being meticulously prepared by the group of modest functionaries whose job it is. If the publicity coup has the impact that is desired for it, and which these modest functionaries are exercising their humble talent to ensure, then there will be an equally meteoric rise in demand for Sweetie in her new more hirsute guise.

Sweetie comes with many different personae. There is Sweetie the Horsewoman, Sweetie in the Kitchen, Sweetie the Princess and dozens more. How to capitalize on Sweetie's pubic hair in time for the Christmas trade? It's a very delicate path to tread because it must be tasteful and innocent. All of Sweetie's many manifestations are, of course, wholly chaste (in all her 45 years there has never been the slightest suggestion of a boyfriend for Sweetie). So that's it - chaste, of course, innocent, and impeccably tasteful, the launch must be all of these things, and yet, after all, pubic hair is pubic hair.

But now the plans are beginning to mature and the solution has been found: Sweetie's Bath-time. It's perfect. The luxury bathroom and all its fittings, so very easy to produce in plastic, in impressive packaging and priced at, say, $79.99 or whatever the right price is in all of Sweetie's worldwide markets to keep her affordable (just!) but clearly a desirable and prestigious gift.

As with all of Sweetie Inc.'s products it will be made at several factories in China and shipped by various routes. Every precaution must be taken to avoid (or at least minimise) bottlenecks. The Christmas trade is the big one - everything must go right. You may remember earlier supply difficulties with Sweetie in the run up to other Christmases, leading to large queues in the shops, frantic buying and even a black market developing. Such things have to be carefully planned, of course, and we can certainly expect more, much more of this between now and December 24th.

All of this is going to have a tremendous (and well deserved) impact on the life of Max Maestro. Appointed as C.E.O. of Sweetie Inc. in the fall of last year, Max had all the right credentials. A Masters in Smartarse College Oxford (well, the postcode was Oxford, anyway). I don't myself know what one of these "Masters" is in any detail but I'm sure all of you do and therefore I don't have to concern myself with it any further.

This impressive piece of academic high (kite) flying was followed by experience in Big Oil, Big Pharma and Mega Banking. It was almost as though providence itself was grooming Max for the top job at Sweetie Inc. And my word the job fits like a glove.

Take the salary for a start. Max earns (and I do use the word advisedly) $14,600,000 a year. That's just $40,000 a day, seven days a week and 52 weeks in the year - and believe me, that's exactly how Max works. That means that Max earns much more in a day than most of the workers for Sweetie Inc.'s Chinese suppliers earn in a shortish life-time! If that's not a ringing endorsement of US style capitalism compared with Chinese style communism then I don't know what is! Max will also get bonuses, stock options and a pensions package which will actually dwarf the salary itself. But of course all this is directly related to Max's contribution towards the success of Sweetie Inc. - and the rise of its share price.

Monetary rewards are not the only recognition which Max will receive however. The world's major business magazines will hail Max's genius - and at some length too. There will be profiles of Max published in Wealth, and Greed. Not only the business world will take notice. Lifestyle magazines such as Envy, Hi There! and Peep-oh will cover Max's life in every aspect, hugely illustrated and drawing on vivid imagination where fact-finding proves inadequate to the purpose. Similar coverage will even be found in the pages of "male interest" magazines with much snappier titles than Excrement or Coitus. (As you can see, I am not personally acquainted with all of these publications.)

Max will shine all the more brightly under the spotlights because - she's a woman (her full name is Maxine) - and even more because she's black. Not only all of that but also she wears very short skirts and is very, very photogenic.

All in all, as you can see, an American Folk Tale. An iconic fable which encapsulates all that is best in the American Dream.

Up to a point!

Up to the spring of next year in fact. Cy Greenspace of the Dept. of Green Studies and Burger Technology at Hicksville University will find that the plastic from which Sweetie is made gives off minute quantities of Byklon Z gas which is, of course, a deadly poison. There is no evidence that any child has ever suffered any ill effects from Sweetie's deadly emanations, though the finding does go some way to explaining the reduced life expectancy of workers in the Chinese factories. But the writing will soon be on the wall. The damages awarded in the inevitable court case could run into billions of dollars.

Sweetie Inc.'s share price will plummet. Maxine will be pressured into accepting a "severance package" of an undisclosed sum not unadjacent to 5 times her salary. Almost immediately the head hunters will start to circle around her - are they like vultures or is it hyenas? No matter, surely Maxine's genius will not lie fallow for long.