Being in the moment

4th October 2006

NOW!!!!!!!

Writing is something I do, whether or not I put the words on paper, they roll around my mind attempting to leak out at times. They are powerful, meaningful and have the entire space sorted out in the room marked “words/thoughts”. My brain will taste them, touch them, discard and devise sentences, run scripts through the sifting source of my brain, tell me that this will or will not work and what do I rarely do, WRITE them down. I talk about the writing, I dream about the writing. I know there is no right to write, but I also know if I do not write, nothing gets written right anyway. I have no idea why I take so long to sit and write, maybe this will be revealed at some time, but who knows.

42 years ago in two days Thursday, my eldest son was born. Not at all a problematic delivery, he slid into the world; shock of long dark hair, tanned, (jaundiced actually) and with long nails. Beautiful and perfect, he watched the world through his newborn eyes and was probably amazed at what he had to see and absorb on day one. The world, clothes, being in a metal cot, sounds, lights, noise. The incredible thing was he did not appear in the slightest daunted about it. The nurses all wanted to look at him as he had brown eyes when he was born, (they did not stay that dark for long) and this was apparently not common, for babies nearly always have blue eyes when they are born. So he was handled by lots of people and yet still seemed to be comfortable and content with his lot.

How I wish I could have said the same. I more and more recognise that I always felt odd, out of step with others, insecure and not able to absorb or adapt to my environment. I would imagine that anyone who had to live with me for years would say that I was always looking for something else, something new, something to hold my attention. I was told this was because I was a Gemini, that I was shallow, restless and unable to commit to anyone.

I believed it was because the right person was not there with me, that the right house was around the corner, that the perfect job was waiting in the paper for me to apply for. Never once (until the latter years) did it occur to me that I might possibly have some sort of difficulty that I needed help with. I saw myself as being some sort of soul, lost and bewildered by life that somehow that it was nothing to do with me but was all to do with external concerns. Never once did I stop and look at patterns of my behaviours and wonder what would happen if I did not do something, more to the point what I did think was that I had to do something and had to do it NOW.

Now, was a silent cry, not one that ever emanated from my lips, but it dominated my soul. It must be NOW; everything was dependant on that NOW happening NOW. The world would stop, my life would end, that I would lose the love of my life, the job of the century, the only house I could ever want to live in. NOW!!!!!!!!

I believed I lived in the moment only to find I was living in the future, dragging my hidden past with me. That the power of the NOW controlled all things, that never was I free to be in the moment as I was always trying to sort out not only my life but also yours. I knew if I sorted out your life you would think I was great and not see, (how blind I really was) the madness and insecurity in me. So my mission was to sort out your life NOW, keep my life moving and changing in case the perfect post, house or man moved into my view, plus I NOW had to be the all knowing mother, after all I had the perfect son, not once seeking help, but seeing accepting help as weak. Hurling my mother in law looks of contempt when she suggested ways to look after her son and grandson, how dare she, I was seventeen, I knew everything and if only my husband was kinder, my mother a better mother, if only my father would stop taking drugs and the world do it my way, I would be alright.

Do you know how much energy is needed to attempt to keep everyone doing what they should and then not appear frazzled and fed up. I had to be seen to be kind, considerate, all caring and not out of control. So I exerted all the control I had. How? Why by blaming the past for the fact I could not deal with today and projecting all my worst fears on the morrow. So I knew my husband would be unfaithful (and he was,) I knew my son would be hard work and I made him so, I knew my family would not support me, so I was permanently angry with them. I knew that my husband’s family thought I was stupid, so I behaved in a way that confirmed their beliefs. I knew my friends thought me different, so I stopped seeing them so much. I built this little world of fixed thoughts and attitudes and called it real. I shut myself away from people, by not telling anyone how I felt and the longer I did that the harder it got to feel. I shouted, raged and screamed in the security of my own home and became the paragon of virtue to the world out of my home. I was kind and considerate; I joined committees, lead groups, showed interest in the community. My main aim there was to be liked and to make sure that people did things properly. I knew about properly. I had never done it, but I knew how it must be done by others, so I learnt the art of tittle-tattle, of gossip, criticism, and condemnation and joined the club that I felt were judging me. I raised eyebrows, sighed and tutted. My marriage was in chaos, my home life in shreds, but my focus was now on the outside not the inside. I was drinking far too much, confused and bewildered, but not sharing this, I went from one sad affair to another. I left my husband, before he left me, I went back, to his distress I think, I said it would work, (my determination would win out) and after a couple of years, I left battered, frightened and sad. I could not stop the merry go round that I had leapt on for many years. I left men, met men, married men and still could not find the man of my dreams. I moved house, moved county, moved jobs and could not find any peace. It has taken years for me to understand that each time I travelled I took me with me, that every place I entered I opened to door to myself, that every house I furnished and dreamt was the last, had the lodger of me as a tenant. That every work situation was run by a controlling maniac that I took home with me at the end of the day.

All this went on and on for years and years and slowly over the process of time, honesty and a belief in God, as well as a wonderful 12-step programme, this behaviour has started to shift, change and in a fair amount of cases disappear.

Today, two days before my eldest son was born, I laugh a lot more; can see far clearer than before. I do not find the past something to drag about, I can share it if asked, with no shame. I am not too often trapped in the dreams of the future in terms of living there. I can be in the moment. BE, me in the moment. Being in the moment sharpens my senses, teaches me to listen to what folk are saying to smile from my heart, to know that I cannot stop them being themselves any more and what is more do not want to do so. I recognise that some folk might not like me, but I do. That some jobs are exciting and that some are not. I do not want the perfect man to make me better, I would like a friend to share my life with, but it is great the way it is Now, yes, really, not the NOW, of the tantruming child or demanding harridan, but the now of BEING IN THE MOMENT. Right NOW.