The Making of a Teapot

The Making of a Teapot

By Michael Lawrence

Certainly one of the most important philosophical questions in
existence (one that I happened to have made up) is: "Would a teapot be
a teapot if nobody used it."

I suppose the normal person's very first, split-second impulse would be
to say: "Yes, because a teapot will always be a teapot." However, it
has been my personal experience that people either do not act on this
impulse or are not normal.

I believe most people would try to take the shallow but clever route
and say "No" simply because if the answer was 'yes,' then there would
have been no point in asking the question.

This same principle is applied when your best friend asks you to guess
what happened to him at work yesterday. Your first automatic impulse
would be to say: "You arrived at work in an automobile, you typed a few
words on your computer, you took a coffee break, you went to a meeting,
you took a lunch break, you talked to your boss, you left." After a
second passes and you've had time to process the question, you'd say:
"Geez, it must have been weird whatever it was - Was there an
earthquake? Did the boss have a heart attack? Was there a fire? Did YOU
get fired?" If it weren't something interesting, it's logical to assume
that your friend wouldn't tell you about it.

However, if it someone like your annoying Uncle Gordon asked the teapot
question, a whole different thought-process would take place. You
would, almost instantaneously, remember that Uncle Gordon was the bozo
who took hours explaining how he trained his pet guppy to do back
flips. In this case, the normal person would mentally cry "Help" and
quickly try to find a way out of it, either by making an excuse to
leave the uncle's vicinity or suddenly acquire narcolepsy. Verbally,
your response would be utter rubbish, because you have your mind solely
on escape - certainly not a teapot.

The teapot question is probably in the top 5 questions forbidden to ask
within a married couple - sitting just under "Could you not vacuum
while I'm watching the football game?" "Do your parents have to SLEEP
here?" and "My God, how did you ever get so fat?!" Here's a little play
acting:

Spouse 1: Would a teapot be a teapot if nobody used it?
Spouse 2: What?
Spouse 1: Would a teapot be a teapot if nobody used it?
Spouse 2: Who the hell cares?
Spouse 1: Just answer the question.
Spouse 2: Why should I? It's a dumb question.
Spouse 1: Answer it.
Spouse 2: Look, I don't see why I have to waste my time and brain cells
answering one of your stupid questions.
Spouse 1: It's not a stupid question! It's a philosophical
question!
Spouse 2: I'm not answering it!
Spouse 1: It's not hard - all you have to do is open your mouth and say
something.
Spouse 2: [attaches fingertips to lips] Okay, I'm saying
something.
Spouse 1: Be serious, answer it.
Spouse 2: No.
Spouse 1: I demand that you answer it!
Spouse 2: Make me!
Spouse 1: [dramatically smacks spouse 2 on cheek]
Spouse 2: [begins to cry, runs out of room]
Spouse 1: [feels guilt] Bah!

In short, squabble-prone married couples: don't bring it up. Your
spouse doesn't care.

I suppose individuals who consider themselves to be intellectual would
ask the question: "Well, how does a teapot become unused?" After I
shoot those arrogant asses because they answered it with a question,
I'd turn to those individuals slightly below their intelligence,
commonly called "engineers."

They would probably explain that all teapots in existence have been
used at some point. It's mere production was used either as a source of
revenue for a company or as a source of recreation to an individual.
Even if teapots grew on trees (this would be a stretch, because most
engineers are incapable of thinking hypothetically) they would have
been used, in some way or another dealing with the species' survival -
there must have been a practical reason the plant evolved to grow
teapots. The only time a teapot would not be used and still,
physically, be considered a teapot would be if the wind happened to
carve it out of rock which is too improbable to even consider.

My personal response to the question is, "I don't know, but *damn* I
can't believe I wrote an entire essay about it."

-----

"How Miss K Came to Rule My Life" by lotte

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=23012

This is an unusual story the author categorized in the 'crime' genre.
I'm left to wonder just who N is and who Miss K is. Is he an imaginary
friend of some sort? Is he a famous music artist who went out of the
narrator's favor? Interesting.

-----

"White Lobster" by lisalife

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewStory.cgi?s=22933

This is a very short piece that is a rather profound societal
statement. Take one minute to read it, five minutes to think about
it.

-----

"Halycon" by funky_seagull

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=23007

This is a bookmark example of how there are many stories on ABCtales
that surpasses most short stories that I find in magazines. This is a
tale about an angel named Halycon who broke away from Jehovah to
conduct miracles on his own. Why does he do it? That, you'll have to
find out!

Sure, I'm one who particularly enjoys supernatural tales, but I think
all will find much to enjoy about this. It's a remarkably well-written
piece. (Funky's talent leaves me utterly jealous!)