Fly before walking

I called him my summer lover.
He came with the tourists and tides.
A chance occurrence of our meeting
down on the sea front
where I had a summer job selling ice creams.

We got talking
as you do to a stranger who takes interest in you.
He became a regular customer
stopping to chat to me.
A welcome break from the hordes of children
who made up my usual day's work.

That first summer
A friendship was all it was.
We chatted each day
and went out a few times in the evenings.

When he left at the end of the season
I felt no great loss at his going
and soon settled back into my winter routine.

I was surprised to see him return the next summer
my summer lover.
I had thought it was but a one-year thing.
But he saw me down on the beach one day
and actually came running over to see me.

He'd missed me.
He said.
Had thought about me often.

It took just a week for us to become lovers.

He moved in with me
there was no point in paying for a hotel room,
if the bed was never used.

He left on the first of September
said he had things to get back to.
I didn't question him.
Didn't ask him his reasons
and he promised to return next summer.

He kept true to his word
returning the next year.
And we picked up where we had left off.

We spent three summers like that
watching the world go by around us.
Cocooned in our love
protected from all dangers.

Until one year
he didn't come.
I spent every day down on the beach
without sign of him.

I tried to forget him,
to convince myself it was a summer romance.
No more.
That I was lucky it had lasted so long.

But it didn't stop the ache,
the hollowness I felt inside.

Then he came back.
Returned to me
on a winters evening
when I was alone at home.
A knocking at the door
and I was in his arms.

That winter
was the most wonderful of my life.
We spent every day
walking on the beach.
And every night
in each other's arms.

At first
I kept the pregnancy to myself.
Cherishing this secret.

Then it all fell apart.

I told him of my news
one night after making love.
Curled up together in front of the fire
a blanket round our shoulders
with each other for warmth.

I remember smiling up at him
Confident in is delight.
But instead of a smile
I saw a frown appear on his face.

He shouted.
Screamed at me.
Why hadn't I used protection?
Why did I let this happen?

I cried.
Screamed at him to stop.
Didn't he want the child?
His child?
Didn't he want me?

He told me then
in cruel harsh words.
He already had a family.
A wife and two kids.
He loved them.
Wouldn't leave them.

He came here in summer
while the family went on holiday.
He wasn't keen on the foreign sun.

He was only here this winter.
He said.
Due to a minor row with his wife.
Nothing serious.
They intended to patch things up.

He wouldn't accept the child,
wouldn't accept me.
He'd have nothing more to do with either of us.

He had left by the morning.

For three days I cried.
Stopped eating.
Stopped thinking.
My life had ended,
What was there left?

So I took a walk,
strolled over to the cliff
where we used to walk
hand in hand
on our better days.

I walk up to the edge
starring across at the raging sea below me.
I step closer
my feet teetering at the edge.

I rest my hand on my stomach
send a final goodbye to my child.
Feel the first kick inside my womb as a response,
and almost change my mind.

But I can't go back.
There is nothing left now.

So I step forward
heart in my throat,
as I feel nothing but air beneath me.
Feel myself falling,

falling.

into nothingness.

And my child learns to fly before it will ever learn to walk