Office Excesses

Please note: This piece consists almost entirely of dialogue. It was orginally written with each speaker represented as a different font - but that hasn't come out here so it's best to assume that the speaker changes with each paragraph. Should make sense. Enjoy.

***

As you are no doubt aware, the festive period is upon us and the management would like to take this opportunity to remind all staff that this is not an excuse for sloppiness in the workplace. There is to be no singing within the company grounds of any songs involving mangers, reindeer named Rudolf or little towns of Bethlehem. Failure to observe this rule will result in an enforced solo performance to the Executive Director and a cancellation of all holiday leave.

Silent night, Holy night

“It’s a partridge first I always remember that.”
“Yeah. Partridge first then doves. Two turtle doves whatever the hell they are.”
“What’s three then? Something French isn't?”
“Hens. Three French hens. Don’t know what anyone would want with all those birds anyway.”
“Yeah. Give me real birds any day huh? Not real birds like but bird birds yeah? Three French birds. I’d take those any day mate!”

All is calm, all is bright.

Shopping list.
1 turkey - extended family size.
2 kilos of potatoes.
1 giant extra-value bag of sprouts-who eats them anyway. Still it’s not Christmas without them is it?
3 litres of gravy.
3 bags of cocktail sausages.
30 rashers of bacon.
1 nut roast for our Janey unless she’s eating meat again by then.
2 packets of marzipan- can you get that nut-free?
1 bag of raisins,
2 packets of icing,
3 pats of butter.
Screw that-
1 large Christmas cake.
2 bottles of brandy,
12 bottles of wine,
10 litres of coke,
More brandy-secret supply-separate receipt?
1 mile of tinsel,
1 crate of decorations,
1 non-drop chemically sprayed 5ft Christmas tree. I’ve given in. I don’t care if it doesn’t smell as nice I’m sick to death of hovering up those dammed needles ten times a day. If the kids want a real tree they’re doing the hovering!

Round yon virgin Mother and Child,

This company prides itself on being an environmentally friendly organisation and therefore regards the sending of Christmas cards to be a waste of both the rainforest and printing costs. This tradition is therefore banned within the office.

Holy infant so tender and mild.

No one’s sent me any cards this year. And it’s not because of that note Mr S sent round-the one that said they were banned. It’s not as if anyone’s taken any notice of that-everyone else has had cards - it’s just me. They tried to hide it but I know. They pass them to each other over the water cooler or at the photocopier. They don’t think I see them but I do. I see them all. All those brightly coloured slips of folded cardboard. Prancing reindeer and jolly holly snowmen. Makes me sick the lot of them. Stuff them. I don’t need a row of gaudy cards to enjoy myself. I’ve got Vodka.

Sleep in heavenly peace,

“What’s four then?”
“Some kind of bird again. I can’t remember what type.”
“Five is rings I know that. The song goes all slow there don’t it? Fiiiiivveee goooollllddd ringggssss. Hinting that is.”
“Too right. So is it geese then or swans?”
“Swans? Where the hell you going to get swans from?”
“I’m not getting them anywhere you dope. It’s the song. I can’t remember if it’s six swans and seven geese or six geese and seven swans.”
“Who cares anyway? Nasty things swans. Bite you. Hurts like hell.”

Sleep in heavenly peace.

The government of this fine and mighty country have, in their infinite wisdom, designated both Christmas day and boxing days as national holidays, a tradition that our solicitors say we cannot ignore. The office will therefore be closed to all staff on these days. The surrounding days however carry no such restrictions and any worker caught sneaking off before 6.30pm on Christmas Eve or arriving any later than 8.30am on the 27th will be forced to work the night shift alone on New Years Eve with only the Cleaners’ hamster for company.

Silent night, holy night,

Oh crap I’m stuck. Oh this is not good. This is so not good. Okay. Just stay calm. It’ll be okay. Nothing to look at here folks. Everything’s just fine. God I’m an idiot! Ow! It’s really starting to hurt now. Maybe if I just twist a little bit. Almost there…just a little bit more… Ow! Shit that hurt! That’s not going to work. Oh crap. Here comes Mr Smarty-alec-parts. Hello Sir. Yes great party isn’t it sir. Hmm I’m having a great time. Yes Sir actually I did know that I’ve got this piece of tinsel around my neck caught in the paper shredder. Would you be so kind as to cut me free Sir? Thank you so much sir. Crap.

Shepherds quake at the sight.

“Ooh, ooh I remember eight - maids a milkin’.”
”Milkin’? What the hell are they milking? All they’ve got is birds and swans.”
“I dunno. Maybe they bring their cows with them or something.”
“Eight maids a milkin and their eight cows. Don’t sound right.”

Glories stream from heaven afar,

Tradition states that the company holds a Christmas party at this time of the year. Whereas the management would willingly do away with what it sees as a costly and overtly extravagant occurrence, pressure from fellow workers has allowed for its continued existence. However, in order to allow for the smooth running of this event, the management has set a few ground rules which must be followed at all times.

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia;

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Glad tidings we bring,
To you and your kin.
We wish you a merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year.

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year

Christ the Saviour is born,

“Nine… nine… nine…”
“Drummers ‘aint it? I’m sure there’s something about drummers in there somewhere. Or is it pipers? Some music thing anyway.”
“I think it’s both. Drummers and pipers.”
“What at the same time?”
“No you burk. One lot’s playing the drums and the others are piping.”

Christ the Saviour is born.

1. The store cupboard is not to be used for anything except storage throughout the Christmas period.

“No. We can’t. Someone’s going to see us.”
“Nah. Come on. No one’s looking. It’s just us. Come on hon. It is Christmas.”
“Oh God I’m so drunk.”
“You’re so gorgeous.”
“You’re so drunk.”
“Come here.”
“No.”
“Come here beautiful.”
“…”
“Oh God…”
“No…”
“No…”
“Yessssssss!”
CRASH
“Shit. I think we just killed the hamster.”

Silent night, holy night,

“I mean it’s for the kids really isn’t. Christmas I mean.”
“Yeah. It’s lovely for the little ‘uns. Seeing their faces light up when they open their stockings.”
“I know. Nothing beats it does it? Still it’s not the same now is it? These days it’s all guns and computers isn’t it? No more dolls and teddy bears.”
“Oh, I had a lovely doll when I was a girl. Curly brown hair and blue eyes, the ones that shut when you turned her upside down.”
“Ahh, sweet. Wish our Gabby wanted dolls. All she wants is make-up. Make-up! At six, I ask you!”
“That’s nothing. Our Stacey wants her tongue pieced! How can she?”
“Really? Well some of them aren’t too bad, you know. If you get it done properly like.”
“I told her. I said there’s no way you’re putting a bit of rusty metal through your tongue madam. Read my lips - it ain’t goin’ happen. Sure it’ll start with just a sweet little heart on her tongue but before you know it she’ll be up the duff and into a council house with three dogs and a coke dealer for a boyfriend.”
“How old is she now then?”
“Nine.”
“Hmmm… Still… Christmas is a lovely time for the kids isn’t it?”
“Oh yeah. Lovely.”

Son of god, Love’s pure light.

2. Alcohol will be provided but consumption is strictly limited to two units per person.

This is the greatest fun ever! I’m at a proper party! People are getting drunk and throwing up ON A WEEK NIGHT! God wait till I tell the guys at school about this! They’re all at crappy libraries or supermarkets. This is REAL work experience. These people are being paid to get drunk! This is their job-to drink cheap booze and dance like idiots! I’ve got to get myself an office job when I leave school! This is so cool! Ooh I wonder if they’ll let me have a proper drink. I’ve tried to keep to the punch ‘cause there’s not going to be any booze in that and I don’t want to get too drunk and look stupid. The punch does taste a little funny though. Maybe the fruit’s gone off a bit.

Radiance beams from Thy holy face,

“So what’s eleven then, Mr Know-all?”
“Dancers I think.”
“What kind?”
“I don’t know what kind do I? Country dancing probably-it’s old stuff.”
“Country dancing? You mean Morris Dancing and stuff? Sticks and hankies? That kind of thing?”
“Guess so. Not my idea of a wild night out but hey. Anyway twelve is lords so maybe the posh folk like that kind of thing.”
“But there’s twelve of them and only eleven Morris Dancers.”
“I guess they’ll have to share.”
“There’s always the French birds I suppose.”

With the dawn of redeeming grace.

4. Mistletoe is to be used purely for decoration and carries no obligation of a romantic encounter.

“Hey Sue. Oh look. What ‘yaw know. Its mistletoe.”
“Get lost Gavin.”
“Maggie. Hi. How you doing? Great party huh? Hey guess what?”
“Not a chance buster.”
“Anne…”
“No. Just no.”
“Fine. Your loss babe.”
“Hey Gavin. I see you found the mistletoe.”
“What huh? Mistletoe where? Of that! Right! Didn’t even see it. Hah! What you know. Oops got to go. See you later Steve.”

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth,

“I love you, man.”
“Naw you don’t.”
“I do. I really really do. You’re just like…really … great. You know?”
“Yeah.”
“Just like so coooooollll. You’re a real cool guy. Did you know that?”
“No.”
“You are you know. Real smooth. Real cool. Hey you want a puff, man?”
“No you’re alright.”
“Ah go on man. Do you good. Just one puff. This is quality stuff you know. None of your off the street crap.”
“Go on then… Ah man. That’s good.”
“I love you dude.”
“Love you too man.”

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth,

“So is that it then?”
“Yep all twelve. French birds, maids and cows and Morris Dancers in pear trees.”
“That’s a good song that is. How’s it go again?”

The management are confident that the following of these rules will allow for an enjoyable festive evening for everyone and reminds workers that in the spirit of Christmas, attendance at the party is compulsory.

Thank you and Merry Christmas.