4. Round Two

I could feel my phone buzz and bleep in the inside pocket of my denim jacket, it could only be Will, but I didn’t take it out and cheek. Instead I opened my flat’s front door and pushed my way inside. To my relief both Pip and Harry, my flatmates, were out. I wasn’t in the mood for their happy couple-ness.

Once I was in my bedroom I took my jacket off and took my phone out. I was right, it was a text from Will.

“Looking forward to seeing you tonight. Luv’ Will.”

I dropped down on my bed and just looked at the text. I’d agreed to meet him that night, up at the Central Station bar, but I’d only done that because he’d wanted to. I didn’t want to meet him, I’d have rather gone to the cinema, but Will had kept on at me.

I’d met him about three weeks ago. With my new job I had fixed shifts, I always had Friday evenings off, so I decided to join a gay social and discussion group. Will had been there the second time I went and we’d just got talking. We went for a drink together afterwards and ended up back at Will’s place. The sex was okay and I stayed the night and the next morning we had sex again. That morning Will was all insistent that I fuck him, he even put the condom on my cock, and I was so turned on I couldn’t say no.

It was the first time I’d fucked another man, something I’d never thought of doing and I’d enjoyed it. It had been tight and smooth and warm.

We spent the rest of that day together, most of it in bed and having sex. The trouble was spending the whole day with Will seemed to make him very keen on me. Will wasn’t bad looking, he’s tall (good six inches taller then me) with light brown hair and a body bit on the thin side; and sex with him was good.

The trouble was Will was so keen on me, I don’t know why. I’m no catch, there’s nothing really special about me, I’m not handsome or clever or funny, but Will seemed to want to chase after me. It all made me feel so really awkward, I didn’t want to hurt Will but his keen-ness on me was more then putting me off. I didn’t want to just dump him, not return his calls and stand him up (like had happened to me too often), but the longer things went on the worse I felt. If the sex with Will hadn’t been so good I would have moved quicker but I needed the affection he gave me.

The thing is I really want a boyfriend, a lover, I’m so fucking lonely on my own. My flatmates, Harry and Pip, are the Happiest Gay Couple in the Country; they live together, they have sex, they hold each other, they go out together, go to bars together, spend so much time together and they’re happy. I want what they have, I want a lover and the happiness, and it was eating away at me. I found myself hating Harry and Pip for what they did, I was so jealous of them. I wasn’t attracted to either of them, I didn’t want to break them up, I like both of them, I’m just painfully jealous of what they have.

The problem was I didn’t feel that way about Will, I didn’t feel deeply for him, he just wasn’t right for me. We had sex in common but that was about it. Will likes bars and clubs, there were the only places he went out to, whereas I hate them. We didn’t have anything to talk about, though Will does like to talk, and I can’t say that I liked him that much.

I knew I had to end it with him, I couldn’t go on just using him, but that also made me feel very depressed. I really wanted a lover but all I could find were guys not interested in me, one night stands that were more frustrating then they were satisfying or guys who were interested in me but who I didn’t feel anything for – that was the worst. I just wanted to find a guy I liked and who liked me.

Sitting there I decided that I would end it all with Will that night, stop this before it all went too far. That night I’d tell him at Central Station – I told myself.

(In truth I’d loose my nerve and not say anything to Will that night, instead we’d end in bed together. Everything would limp on for two more weeks, as I felt guiltier about it all. I’d only find the balls to end it when Will started making plans for us to go on holiday together.)