The British Bonkers Corporation: A Satirical Opinion Piece

On with the telly. A recording of yesterday's weather forecast followed by five minutes or so of diversity and inclusion adverts. Then the big show starts. Five people spill out of a curved sofa, all apparently essential for reading the news (rather like the old joke where 23 people are needed to change a light bulb - one to hold the bulb and 22 to lower the ceiling).

The two £150,000 a year stars this morning are Rubert Bear and the Nutwood imp. They introduce themselves for no apparent reason and immediately hand over to the sports anchor man, who immediately hands over to the journalist at the ground, who immediately asks a confused looking bloke what he thinks of yesterday's tree hugging competition.

"It were reet good" says the man.

"Back to the studio" says the journalist.

Then the anchor man gives a short, but very loud analysis of the match, his large ears revolving like radar dishes.

"Time for the weather" says Rupert Bear, roaring with laughter at his own joke (what joke, the viewers wonder?).

A large cheerful lady appears, wearing a psychedelic tent. She explains why the forecast is coming today from the top of Ben Nevis. She fails to convince, yet appears happy with her day out. A number of photographs are shown to the viewers, who probably wonder why. An exchange of barbed remarks and witty repartee follows. The lady says all records have been broken because of fossil fuels and global warming. These records began within the last hundred years, of course, and are perhaps not so conclusive because the world is 4500 million years old, during which time there have been several ice ages and long periods of desert or rainforest conditions in the northern hemisphere.

But this doesn't stop the lady getting very excited and being taken away on a stretcher.

"Another casualty of man made climate change" says the imp solemnly.

"Not women made" she adds.

(To be continued)