Be Still, My Beating Heart...

Be Still, My Beating Heart…

“We deceive ourselves about love — about who; and how; and when; and whether. We also discover and correct our self-deceptions.” – Martha Nussbaum

It was never going to be a wonderful love story - Alex was much too pragmatic. But when Jules’ picture popped up on his Tinder account, he felt an instant connection, accompanied by a heart-pounding giddiness. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced, not even as raging, horny teen.

Jules’ profile said she lived in the inner-west, she enjoyed good music, good coffee, cocktails and conversation. Her profile picture was a close up of her face, mouth, nose and eyes. A swatch of dark hair hung across her forehead and there was something cheeky in her slight smile. Alex knew she'd have a great sense of humour from this. He was sure she laughed often and probably didn't say anything unkind about anyone. And while he knew the ‘good music, good coffee etc.' comment was subjective at best, he swiped right and hoped she'd get in touch. He wanted to send her a message but realised it would be a bit stalker-like or maybe portray him as being desperate.

Instead, he occupied his day going over finance reports, checking figures and annotating notes in pencil next to questionable entries in his neat hand writing. Unusually, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and found himself checking his phone to see if there’d been any response. Every time he thought about her, he felt giddy, slightly dizzy and flustered.

Mitchell, a colleague of his, poked his head over his office partition. "Hi Alex... are you okay? You look pale."

Alex looked up and shook his head. "No, I'm fine. Just busy, is all."

Mitchell stepped into Alex's cubicle and perched on the edge of his desk. "Mate, you look like you've seen a ghost, seriously."

Alex sighed deeply. Mitchell was one of those guys who spent more time talking to others than doing anything remotely like work. It annoyed Alex, who didn't like interruptions, that Mitchell didn't take the hint. "As I said, I'm just busy. I'm trying to get through the finance reports before next week." He tapped the thick spreadsheet in front of him.

"Oh far be it from me to stop you from doing something so important." Mitchell's sarcasm was obvious.

Alex appeased him a little. "Yes, I know, but it has to be done, so..." He raised his eyebrows, hoping the man would take the hint this time. Mitchell smiled and held up his hands in defeat.

"Okay, mate, I get it. But I just thought I'd let you know a bunch of us are going out for a few drinks after work. Maryanne is going. You look like you could do with a decent night out." He wiggled his eyebrows and smiled widely. Alex glared at the man. At one time, he and Maryanne had gone out a few times but nothing had ever developed, except in the minds of the office gossips like Mitchell.

"Look, you know there is nothing happening between us. Why do you keep on about it?" Alex didn't deal with confrontation very well so turned back to his work in the hope Mitchell would leave him alone. He knew it would probably look like he was sulking but he really didn't want to talk to anyone about this, especially someone like Mitchell, who would relay the conversation to anyone else who cared to listen. However, this time, his tactic worked, because when he glanced back over his shoulder, Mitchell was heading towards the lunch room.

He tried to concentrate on the finance reports but he was so worked up, his heart was racing and he was having a little trouble breathing. He gasped and leaned back in his chair, taking deep, supposedly-relaxing breaths, like his trainer told him to do. He spent the rest of the day flipping page after page of numbers, making notes and highlighting columns and wondering if Jules would respond.

He was on the homeward bus journey, trying to be engrossed in a cryptic crossword, but more daydreaming and looking out at the passing when his phone buzzed. He saw a notification from Tinder. He opened the app and saw a message from Jules. “Hi! Like your photo. We should meet,” accompanied by a winking emoticon. As he watched, another message popped up. “My number is 0458132639 - call me”, followed by a smile emoticon.

His heart skipped a beat, then another. After the fourth or fifth skip, the pain hit and he gasped and clutched his chest. The young student sitting next to him squealed and yelled for help. By the time the bus driver was told and an ambulance called, a few other passengers helped and got Alex out of the seat and lying down. He groaned heavily. Every movement caused him agonising pain and again he felt like he couldn’t breath. On the dirty floor of the bus, he lay down and slipped into unconsciousness.

He stumbled back into reality, in a hospital bed. He looked around and saw a few machines, with wires running to various parts of his body. He startled and tried to sit up, but a cool hand gently but firmly held him down. “Alex, just be calm. You’re in hospital but you’re going to be fine.” He tried to say something but his words were gone. So he tried to push against the hand but felt so weak, he closed his eyes and fell immediately asleep instead.

Sometime later, he woke again. It took him a while to regain focus but when he did, he first noticed the nurse's uniform, then the name tag. It said 'Jules'. He looked up into the smiling face of his Tinder girl.

He gulped, tried to smile but gasped in pain instead. An alarm went off on one of the machines he was hooked up to but he hardly heard it. The last thing he heard, crystal-clear, was Jules pleading "Don't go, please. Not so soon."