Nobody's Business

He was heard before anyone saw him. The train pulled into the station and after the doors wheezed open, most of the carriage heard a barking laugh, followed by a snort then some pretty colourful language.

"You tell that jumped up mother fucker I don't give two fucking shits who he thinks he is, there is no way I'm going to give him one red fucking cent for scratching his shit box. If he hadn‘t parked his fucking car wher he did and if I hadn‘t crashed into it, I wouldn‘t have to be catching a fucking train, now would I? I haven‘t been on a train since I was a fucking school boy. I hated them then and I‘m not fucking happy about it now."

An overweight, sweaty man was standing on the platform near the doors, yelling into his mobile phone. Just as the doors started to wheeze shut, he stuck his arm out and issued a loud "Oi!" Then he pulled at the doors until they opened enough for him to step onto the train. He issued a loud fart then proceeded to berate his phone again. “I don’t care who he is, I don’t give a fuck who his lawyer is, you tell them both to fuck themselves and I’ll see them in court. Fuck me!” With this final expletive, he clicked the phone shut, stuck it in his pocket and farted again.

Most of the carriage’s seated visibly shrunk into their seats. A few hoped the man would not sit next to them . He made his way down the aisle, looking for an empty seat. One was available next to a petite, delicate-looking older woman. She bunched herself up against the window as he flopped into the seat next to her. He let out an audible sigh as the phone in his pocket shrilled an overly loud tone. He pulled the thing out of his pocket and flicked it open.

“What the fuck do you want now?” The lady sitting next to him cringed and pulled even further away from him. “Sorry, Mother, I didn’t know it was you. Yes, of course I know how to answer a phone, but I’ve had an absolute shit of a day and I’m really pissed off. Sorry, Mother, but I am. When I’m angry I swear, it’s what I do. If you don’t like it, well then don’t goddamn call me, okay?” He clicked the phone shut and stuffed it back into his pocket.

The woman sitting next to him, obviously scared, glanced his way. He caught it and shot a volley back at her. “What the hell are you looking at, ay? Mind your own fucking business?” He glared at her as she, almost impossibly, scrunched even more up against the window, emitting low ooing sounds. The phone rang again. “Fuck me, won’t they leave me alone?”

He went through the motions of pulling out the shrill device again. He flicked it open and gruffly said “What?” He listened for half a beat and then let out his loud barking a laugh. It had absolutely no humour in it. “I told you to talk to my lawyer, cunt. I didn’t want to fucking hear from you. Yeah, I called you a cunt. Are you deaf as well as fucking thick?” He listened for another half beat the barked again.

“You come near me and I’ll having you fucking locked up, you hear me? You’re a fucking lowlife. You mean nothing to me, you cunt. Just fuck off!” He sprayed spittle with the final sentence.

He made to stuff the phone into his pocket when it rang yet again. He shook his head in amazement and flipped it open. “I don’t fucking believe it. This had better be good.”

He listened, this time for a long while, occasional grunting as he did. He laughed but this time sounded sleazy. “Well I think I can be there. I’ll have to check my diary.” He listened and laughed again.

“I’d love to fuck you right now, but I don’t have my car.” He listened for a moment.

“You cheeky bitch, of course I own my car. Nah, some silly cunt parked his car too close to it and I busted a headlight trying to get it out the parking spot. Scraped the hell out of the bumper too. Its being fixed as we speak, I fucking hope.”

A young man was sitting in a seat by himself a couple up from the large man. He turned around and looked back sharply. The large man stared back, the said to the caller, “Hold on a minute sweetheart,” then leant forward in his seat.

“What the fuck are you looking at, mate? Just fucking turn around and mind your own business.”

The young man shook his head. “Just turn the volume down a bit, mate. We don’t all have to hear what you got to say.”

The large man shook his head in disbelief. He said into the phone “I‘ll going to have to call you back, honey.” To the young man, he said, “What the fuck did you say? Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, you prick?”

The young man stood and stepped into the aisle. “I’m nobody, mate. Nobody at all. But if you don’t tone it down, I’ll take your phone and shove it up your obnoxious, foul arse.” He lowered his head, bunched his fists and glared hard at the man.

“The fuck you will, cunt,” the large man growled back. The young man leapt at him.

________________________________________

“I’m telling you, I don’t know what he looked like, okay? I was talking on my phone and he just jumped me. You can ask anyone on the train. They’ll tell you. He just leapt on me.” The large man was lying on his stomach on a gurney. He let out a loud moan.

Two policemen stood to one side. One opened a note book and examined it for a second. “Well, we asked all the other passengers and none of them saw anyone else, sir. In fact they all say they saw nobody.”

“Fucking liars! I tell you, there was this young guy and he fucking jumped me. You have to get the little prick and lock him up. He’s fucking dangerous.”

The other policeman looked at his partner and contained a suppressed laugh. A doctor walked up behind the policemen.

“What’s the problem here?” The first police man shook his head. “You won’t believe it. This guy was found doubled over on the floor of a train at Strathfield station. He was missing his pants and he has a mobile phone stuck up his, his…” He couldn’t finish because the large man let out a loud groan as his phone started ringing again.