11. Immorally hers

The next day the news is all over the ship, Vanessa slept with the chief engineer. The person that was most effected by this piece of news was Nicky, his girlfriend of two years. No wonder Vanessa had been so on edge that day in the cabin. She knew that Nicky was his girlfriend and that is what the cloak and dagger was all about, I just didn’t realize that she was about to stick the dagger in Nicky’s back. Vanessa hasn’t slept in the cabin but I have felt her presence. Her dirty uniform is on the floor and her belongings are slowly disappearing as she makes her move up to deck eleven. I have only seen Nicky once since the news broke and that is all it took for me to know that Vanessa is in big trouble.

Vanessa is moving out of our cabin and I can’t say that I'm entirely upset about it. How? Why? I had said to myself when she told me the news. Why wasn’t it me! Why did she meet an officer? Okay, so I’m a little bit jealous, but a lot relieved that she is no longer living in the cabin with me. I now have more room than before, a bottom bunk and I don’t have to watch her pee in the sink anymore. Most importantly, I will not have to live in fear of being fried to death each night as Vanessa falls asleep leaving her cigarette ends upturned to burn out by themselves. I would lay with my head over the side, blood soaring to my cheecks and wait for the red glow of the cigarette to dim beofre I could finally go to asleep.

He, the chief engineer, has a cabin with a window on the eleventh deck. He has a bath, a sofa and pictures of his wife and children beside his bed. Vanessa had filled me in on all the details as she stuffed only the bare essentials into her hold all. If we hadn’t by chance been in the cabin at the same time I don’t believe she would even have told me she was going.
"A wife and children," I said swinging around from the mirror where I was fixing my face. She continued to open and shut drawers and ignored me. When I didn’t say anything but just stare at her, she was backed into a reply by my frosty silence.
“So what, she said turning round, they’re not here and anyway he doesn't love her anymore, he just stays with her for the kids’ sake".
Vanessa almost stomped her foot as I reminded her that he was at least twenty-five years older than she was. She wasn’t having any of it.
“You’re just jealous Ginny,” she screamed at me. Yes, I am a little jealous, but I was also worried about her. We have gone from doing everything together to barely seeing each other all because of a married man. She has managed to really hurt Nicky who is heartbroken and after all we’ve been through she is standing there telling me that I’m jealous.
"Listen Ginny,” said Vanessa, stopping packing, she looked slightly uncomfortable. I guessed that she is regretting speaking to me like that.
“Do you want to buy my half of the television from me or do I have to sell it, Carlo already has one and a dvd player, so I wont be needing it anymore and could do with the money?”
My mouth is open ready to tell Vanessa that it didn’t matter what she said about me being jealous and that we all say things that we don’t mean when I realize that she is not apologizing. Vanessa looked down quickly and started packing again.
”Wait a minute Vanessa, I say unable to hold back my frustration, will you wake up for a second? You don’t even know him, he cant be all that if he’s running around behind Nicky’s back not to mention his wife”. And I am no more jealous of you than I am of, of, my brain is scrabbling for an example, of anyone, I finish badly, hurt by what she had said.

Okay so she wasn’t far from the truth but not because of him or her cabin promotion but because sleeping with a senior Officer was going to get her accepted by the others without having to work for it like I have to do, it was cheating.
“And anyway Vanessa,” I thought that we bought it, I didn’t realize that we had bought the television for your sole purpose and that it was yours to sell whenever you felt like it.
“Fuching hell Ginny, keep the bloody TV if you’re going to go on about it,” she retored, completely missing the point.

Her blonde hair was flaying about her back as she turned to grab her fresh uniform from the wardrobe. Just for a second I wanted to grab her hair and wrench her arrogant head.
I quickly opened my purse and grabbed the last thirty dollars I had, five more than my half share and stuffed it in the side pocket of her bag.
"So you'll have all this space to yourself from now on,” says Vanessa returning to her usual self and not even acknowledging the money. I'll miss our little chats Ginny, but I'll be popping back occasionally to collect things. Carlo said I could use his bedroom steward to get my clothes done so I wont need the boy anymore.
‘The boy,’ I think to myself, she was incredible; the boy was a man called Rod up until today, up until she stole someone else’s boyfriend.
“Don’t worry you’ll be shagging someone soon enough. Come on who have you got your eye on, some little waiter I’ll bet, she adds checking her face one last time in the mirror. You should learn to control that little green monster though Ginny,” she adds before leaving the cabin and clicking her heels down the corridor.

I kick the door shut with my foot and slump down on the chair. Fifteen minutes before work. I lie down for a minute to cool down before my shift. There are so many things going on in my head. I’m really disappointed and even more so totally frustrated with her. I get up quickly and decide that lying down is a bad idea, I could fall asleep and that would not do. What is she doing, I think to myself as I get up and quickly finish fixing my make up. Little green monster, I repeat to myself as I take a good look at my reflection in the mirror. Was I just jealous or was I genuinely concerned she was making a mistake. Well, whatever, I couldn’t do anything about it except make sure I wouldn’t be around when the shit hits the fan. I’m really pissed off about the Green monster. Who does she think she is anyway? I know she's attractive but I wouldn't swap anything of mine with hers well, maybe her nipples, although they’re not all that either.
Just then I hear a voice.
"Has she gone?" I’m frozen in mid cleanse. Using the mirror to scan the room behind me my eyes fix on the small gap between the wall and the bathroom door just over my shoulder where the reflection of a pair of black shinning eyes are staring wildly back at me.
"Fuck you scared me,” I said to Nicky moving away from the sink and pulling the door open to let her in. Relief was quickly replaced by a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Please don’t ask me anything I think to myself, I don’t want to be part of this.
"Thank god I wasn't squeezing blackheads or something," I said to Nicky trying to lighten the atmosphere.
Nicky did not look amused. She looked terrible.
"Nicky, what's the matter with you?" I asked suddenly scared. I don’t want any part of this. I don’t want Nicky to think that I knew all this time and didn’t tell her.

She just waltzes in and snatches him from right under my nose, she's a bitch Ginny, and I never liked her from the first time I set eyes on her. Nicky is pacing two steps at a time back and forth in the cabin. I open the bathroom door a bit wider to let some of the tension out.
Two years down the drain, all because of her," she goes on. Angry tears are rolling down Nicky's face. I looked at the clock and it tells me I have three minutes to go before my shift starts. That is one minute to put my uniform on and two to have my face back on and up stairs. I decide looking at Nicky’s face that some things are more important that time keeping, and this is one. I must admit that some sick part of me is quite enjoying what she has to say about Vanessa, perhaps I'm still stewing or perhaps it’s because he’s a married, self- centered, middle-aged Casanova who didn’t look twice at me.

Nicky tells me that for the last two years she has followed him from ship to ship. He wanted her to be with him and even pulled strings to have her on the same ships as him. She also tells me that everyone knows that she is his girlfriend. I didn’t know but then again I’ve only just got onboard.
"Fucking bastard, she says another flood of tears spilling over, I trusted him. He has never done anything like this before. He loves me Ginny. We've spent loads of time ashore together; he was even talking about flying me over to Italy after this contract is finished and renting a little apartment together. It would be close enough to his house that we would be able to slip away whenever he could to be with me".
"Well, I hate to say it Nicky, but he's doing it all the time to his wife". This is the moment when you don't know how the truth is going to be welcomed. How can you trust someone who is cheating on their wife?
"I know, but that's different”. She pulled out the chair and sat down with her head in her hands her long black wavy hair falling down her legs.
"Where’s the bitch gone anyway?" asks Nicky throwing her head back.
"Work, she won’t be finished till late,” I add. I’m already ten minutes late for work and am expecting a thud on my door any second.
"Nicky, if you fancy a chat later just knock on the door or if you want I can meet you in the crew bar. I finish about midnight? “Sorry Nicky, I’d better get a move on or Jo will be having a fit".
Nicky left and I locked the bathroom door after her.

I walked leisurely around promenade deck and took a couple of drinks orders on the way around. Casually, I stuck the bar checks in the little spirally holder as Jo eyed me suspiciously.
"Where have you been?” she said snatching the checks up and reaching for the cocktail shaker.
"Just chatting to a couple of the passengers at the back there," I replied.
Jo’s eyes are all red and she’s staggering slightly behind the bar.
“You’re not paid to chat,” she snaps. She applies a generous smile to her face as the staff captain and Chief engineer enter the lounge. They look very elegant in their formal white waist length jackets with shiny gold buttons and stripes. Their shoes are buffed and their trousers snug at the crotch. Italians seem to like the castration look or was to show off the shape of their tackle? Whatever it was I was happy for the distraction they offered.

The room started to fill with passengers. Every evening they would stop off for pre-dinner cocktails and listen to Dennis Puccini and his tribute to Gershwin. Mr. and Mrs. Herst and their friends the Billings are always the first in. Tonight I am going to impress them by taking over their drinks before they get a chance to even place their order. They always have the same drinks every night. Smiling to myself I give myself a little pat on the back for imagination. Perhaps they will even write a nice comment about me, that wouldn’t go down well with Jo. She really doesn’t wish anything good for anyone. I write their order on a check, filling in their cabin number by memory and set off to take some more orders.

The place is filling up quickly and Ian and I are moving efficiently around the chairs taking orders. It took ages for me to get used to the various garnishes and terminology. The American passengers were particularly good at making the drink sound as difficult as possible. They would also send a drink back if the lemon wasn't twisted enough or there weren't enough olives in their drink. Many passengers would request things to "munch" or "nibble" on. Why can’t they just ask for peanuts? I sure as hell don’t want to know whether they intend to munch, nibble or chew on them. With another batch of drink orders I go back to the bar to pick up the Herst's drinks. Just loading up my tray and bringing it over to them when I realize that they are already drinking. Shit. I can't go back to the bar with these drinks, Jo will freak. Ian must have taken their order when I wasn't looking. Dam, what can I do with these drinks; someone has to sign for them. I start to panic and Jo glares at me to move as the room is filling up with even more passengers. I walk over to Ian with my tray and tell him what's happened. He knows that Jo can be pretty droll, unless you have testicles that is. Ian tells me to take them round the corner to the photo’s gallery.
"They'll have em, he said. Just get them to sign for em on their bar account". The ice is beginning to melt in Mrs. Herst's screwdriver.

All the time that this is going on the Officers' are still standing at the bar. I know they are scanning the room for single women. They must have radar abilities because on the odd occasion when we get younger women onboard they are out in force. Ian shoots off to take more orders and covers me as I nip out of the lounge and into the brightness of the empty corridor.

Neil is standing at the gallery hanging photographs. I have gotten to know all the Photog's quite well as they all drink in this lounge. They all sit and have a couple of rounds of shooters in the lounge, just to get them through Formal night. Hours of standing and getting passengers to stand smile and pose is not as easy as it looks. They are all great fun. Neil is especially nice and good-looking in a surfer like way. As I approach Neil smiles brightly and asks, “What’s up Ginny?”
"Neil, take these drinks will you, I made a cock-up and Jo will freak when she realizes".
Neil looks at the drinks.
"I always get the dirty jobs around here," he says while unloading my tray and stashing the drinks under his desk.
"You owe me,” he says, his smile broad. Taking the check slowly out of my hand, he signs it. He snatches it quickly back as I am about to take it, smiles and reminds me that I do indeed owe him.
I literally run back to the bar and take some more drinks orders, as Jo is busy making cocktails and laughing loudly at some joke one of the Officers' has made. Vanessa's new boyfriend has come in quite handy today.

The announcement comes over that dinner is about to be served and the passengers clear the lounge. Ian and I have the next two hours to clear up the lounge and take the glasses to the pantry boy before the next sitting passengers meander over for cocktails. Jo makes excuses to the Officers that she must go to the office to use the photocopy machine and leaves her assistant Cruz to take over. Jo wont be back for ages. Each night is the same. She ends up pub crawling around the bars enjoying cocktails in the various pantries with the other bartenders before heading back down to make sure we clear up properly. A consciencous piss head. Vanessa’s boyfriend drains his glass as he and the staff captain head off to the dinning room to eat with the passengers. Usually they eat in the Officers mess, but the maitre'd has promised them a good table tonight, one that’s seating plenty of women who are traveling alone.

Ian and I go through the nightly routine of wash, rinse and sanitize. The whole bar and every surface goes through the same ritual of being washed with a little soap, rinsed with water then rubbed down again with just the right amount of bleach like stuff, if it’s too much you get a written warning. I empty then refill the buckets for the morning, if any bar is caught without their buckets it’s another written warning Andrew had warned us. Ian goes off to join his girlfriend, I go back to the cabin.

My laundry is back and hanging on the door. Pulling it off, I open the door and enter my empty cabin. I unclip my bow tie and throw it on my new bottom bunk and put a Toni Braxton CD on. It's nearly midnight and I have to start at seven o'clock tomorrow morning. We are going into Glacier Bay tomorrow and most of the passengers stay out on deck all day, so with an empty lounge we will all be out on deck offering drinks.

I am debating whether or not to go down to the crew bar. If I go down now it will be twelve fifteen, have a couple of drinks and it's one o'clock and that means five and a half hours of sleep. Debra is having a cabin party, which I'm invited to, but I don't think I should go. I haven't been to bed before one o'clock since we arrived onboard. Anyway, I can't go down there on my own. I would be too self-conscious to walk in there by myself.

I tidy up and throw away the garbage that Vanessa has left behind and lie down and listen to Toni, a immediately I start to feel sorry for myself. The cabin seems bigger but colder now she's gone. If I had a man in my life I would be glad on the space I'm sure. Iona is staring back at me from the wall; if it could speak to her right now she would be asking why I haven’t made contact with anyone. What would I say? This whole situation is not easy to describe. Would I tell her it’s a nightmare and not at all what I expected? Probably not. If I own up to my feelings I would have to get the next flight out of here. Things can only get better.

The only thing to do in the evenings is go the crew bar, watch television or sleep. Of course there is still the crew gym and laundry but who feels like doing laundry when you have Rod, or exercising at midnight. I think about Neil and how sweet he was to have bailed me out today. I wonder if he drank all four of those drinks. Oh fuck it, of course I'm going to go down the crew bar I decide, pulling my jeans on. I can’t stay in this cabin any longer; thinking wasn't going to solve anything. I am here for the rest of the contract, and as bad as it is, it cant get any worse.

It's a Wednesday night and as busy as ever. As usual, Jo and Jackie are sitting at the bar just inside the entrance. Mark smiles as I walk passed. Jo and Jackie glare, but say nothing. I walk round to the other side of the bar and am relieved to see Allison sitting at one of the tables. I order a couple of drinks from Mark, he gives me four,and make my way over to Allison who is looking really miserable.
"Vodka cranberry," I say putting a drink down on the table in front of her before pulling a chair over for myself.

The hairies and photog's are all sitting on the tables next to us being really rowdy. They are all allowed in the passenger bars but always seem to end up in the crew bar. They don’t know how lucky they are to be allowed upstairs; at least they have a choice. Neil and Derek, another photog, shout over for us to join them. Allison says no, so I say no too but tell them I will get the next round of drinks in for helping me out today.
"What's up Allison," I ask moving the overflowing ashtray to squeeze in the chair next to her.
"Oh, nothing, don’t feel up to being all jolly, that's all," she says staring at the ashtray and circling her thumbs nervously.
"Come on Allison, what’s the matter?" I ask. I haven’t seen Allison like this since the time we were called into Andrews’s office. She’s always seems to be the one taking it all in her stride.
Tears slowly slip down Allison’s face and drip off the end of her nose. No ugly faces, just tears. She quickly wipes them away and takes a long drink of her Vodka.
"I'm tired Ginny, she says looking at me for the first time. I'm knackered and I'm tired of this flipping ship and it's stupid politics. I’ve decided I want to go home".
"You want to go home, I repeat realizing for the first time just how unhappy she was. Does this have anything to do with Alex?"
"Actually, no, I’ve hardly thought about him, maybe I just haven’t had time. No, I’m just fed up with all of this. Jackie is a complete cow and when her and her evil twin get together upstairs it is unreal, I don’t know how they get away with half the stuff they get up to and the job itself is shit.” Allison is now looking at me and ranting on like someone has just pierced her vacuum packaging. “The Casino is hardly open so we're not getting many passengers in the lounge so we’re not making any tips either. It's just not what I expected at all. Some of the people I've met are nice but we never get to see each other and when we do its in here, the only saving grace in all of this is you and Trevor otherwise I would go completely mad,” she finishes and takes a deep breath.

Suddenly Allison starts laughing at her rambling and the fact that during her whole speech she never drew a breath.
I am flattered that she has included me in making things better for her but cannot help but feel awful that I have not been there for her. She has turned out to be a much better friend than Vanessa has been and I have selfishly been so wrapped up in myself and trying to get used to this new life that I hadn’t thought about Allison.
Before I can say anything Neil comes over and pulls a chair up between Allison and me.
"You two coming to the party in the Jap's corridor?"
The Jap's corridor is where the Pursers live and it must be Debra’s party he’s talking about. It's gone one o'clock now, if we go there god knows what time we'll get to bed.
"Come on Allison,” I say, this might be a good distraction for her. “It might be what you need,” I add, draining my third drink. Allison doesn't have much choice as the crew bar is closing and the only people left in the bar are the fendi slappers.

The fire door to Debra’s corridor is closed. Neil flicks a switch and it falls open. At the other side is loud music and people littered about the passageway. Everyone is in his or her own clothes, no uniforms. Tortillas and guacamole are being passed around and everyone looks like they are having fun. Debra appears dishevelled from the doorway of her cabin and yells for us to come in but to shut the bloody door before the staff Captain hears about the party.

The staff captain is in charge of all the ships crew, and cabin parties are not allowed. I have a brief and shallow thought about seducing the staff captain and pulling rank on Vanessa. Debra introduces us to Jen one of the accommodation supervisors and to a couple of other people. Kristy comes over and gives us a bottle of wine (each) with plastic cups and beers for the boys. She looks at me and turns the colour of the fire extinguisher on the wall as we both remember the last time we met. We take a pew on the floor and someone puts the Macarena on. Everyone who is lounging on the floor gets up and starts to do the Macarena. I am still too sober to join in but sit and watch everyone else get all the moves muddled up. Debra stumbles over all the bodies and tells us she has this yummy little Italian boy in her cabin.
“What happened to Hugh,” I asked surprised to hear that it’s not him in the cabin. Debra grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. She tells me she wants me to tell her what I think.

Debra's cabin is much larger than mine although she still has to share. The bunk beds are wider and are much newer than mine. She has enough room to put posters on the walls, there is a television and video recorder on the desk and a fridge underneath. She has a nicely upholstered chair and coffee table in the corner. More to the point, they don’t have to share a shower with the neighbours.

Her new little boy is lying on the bottom bunk half naked and smoking a cigarette. Personally speaking, a huge improvement on the last one. He is more physically matched to Lynda and is very good looking. She muttered under her breath that she wasn't so bothered about his face as long as his dick was big enough.
“I’m sure you don’t need a second opinion on that,” I reply before saying hello to him.
“Ciao,” he replied smiling happily.
Debra ushers me over to her shower room and pushes me in the door, I have to get on the loo so she can squeeze herself in behind me and close the door.

Debra reapplies her lips stick in the mirror and asks me what I think about her new little boy.
I take a sip of wine and tell her that he is really nice looking.
“I know he’s only with me for my cabin, this is the ritz compared to his birds nest.” She says turning round and smacking her newly painted lips together.
I am just telling her that I am sure that it’s not the cabin when she waves my words away and says that that is not why she brought me to the loo.
“Listen, you know that guy that I told you about that wanted to meet you?
“Oh, yeh,” I say remembering the guy stuck between Kristi’s legs. “Yeh, I forgot to thank you for that,” I say laughing at the memory of it.
She has no idea what I’m talking about. So I recap on the events of the crew disco and about the guy who was waiting in her cabin for me. “The only guy in your cabin was the one between Kristy’s legs. He’s a bit impatient for my liking, I say to Debra slapping her on the back and laughing, couldn’t even wait for me so Kristy got it instead”.
“What you talking about Ginny?” asked Debra looking confused. That wasn’t the guy that wanted to meet you, that was Kristy’s boyfriend.
“Well who was it then?” I ask.
Debra laughed and she said “I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. I was talking about the little cutie from the engine room. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend but apparently that’s not working out. He’s got the hots for you though,” she said.
“But who the hell is he?”
“He is a second engineer, and Italian, gorgeous but you don’t even know him. I’ve known him for ages; we were on our last ship together. Apparently he has the biggest….”
“Oi Debs, can you pass the bucket from under the sink, as quick as you can?” shouts Kristy while banging on the door. Someone’s throwing up.
“Shit, I’ll have to tell you later,” says Debra, grabbing the bucket. Her arse is in my face as she bends over to pick it up. Without turning round Debra unlocks the door behind her with her free hand and shuffles forward as the door opens then backs out and to the rescue. I follow behind her and go back to the others.

The party has moved up a notch with the arrival of musicians and croupiers, dancers and officers. The girls tend to stand in groups from their own departments while the men mingle and chat to any girl from any department. The fire door opens again and this time it’s Sue the Crew Purser. Derek who has managed to slouch towards the floor struggles up using his elbows and says that we're all in for it.
"Don’t be stupid, says Neil. Sue’s the biggest party animal of them all, and anyway she’s probably here to drown her sorrows. She got DBT’d the other day.
“What’s that? Ask Allison and I in unison.
“Dumped by Telex, explains Derek, been there myself,” he adds slouching back down again.

Date: 11:07:2001 TIME: 03.15GMT Page 1
Attention: Sue Hughes S.A.P. CREW PURSER
From: Debbie Arnold S.A.P
Dear Sue, Clive was caught shagging the Dance Captain STOP. Sorry.
P:S Fuck em all! STOP
Love Your Friend… Debbie (Senior Assistant Purser (SAP) Galaxy -Ocean Princess.

I can’t help but feel sorry for her. Imagine finding out that you are dumped over the airwaves of the ships radio office. Imagine how many people found out before her. I can’t envisage that she has too many friends waiting in the wings to help her through it. If she wasn’t so full of self importance she could probably be having a girl’s night in and over a couple of bottles of wine get to thrash it all out of her system. Allison and I agree that the must be the most horrible thing that could happen. And I thought that Giles and I had no closure, this makes my hit and run look amicable.