HATE

We can't get through even one measly fucking day with out cross words. It gets to the point when were sitting in a café, restaurant or film, and the fact that we have had a nice time kicks me in the face until I remember that we never get through a day without a fight.

Everything is a power struggle with us, if you say black, I say white, and if I say left you say right. Its not that we rip each other to shreds, its more about the stabbing glance of hated that we thoughtlessly throw at each other, a glance that didn't exist for the first 4 years of our relationship. Sometimes I sit, not doing anything, just staring, remembering, and questioning just how we could have been so blissfully happy for so long, but are now what seems like sworn enemies. Could we both have really changed that much?

Despite the anger that I can feel in my heart, we are still together, despite the bitterness in our actions and thoughts, we still climb into the opposite sides of the same bed, careful not to touch ' Why? At what point do we divide up the pie and let life go on free from all this pain. It just feels so lonely. His point of nothing, calm, silence after the explosions. Its meaningless unproductive and pointless, yet we stay in this state for as long as we can.

It's hard to believe that people get past this point. Some save their relationships, others just have no hesitation in starting again, the scary thing is, some stay where we are, just because its easier that finally admitting to the world that the seemingly perfect young golden couple have called it a day.

In fact, its easy now I think about it. The only shred of hope comes when I picture telling my parents its over. I sit in front of then, take a deep breath but before I speak they say, where's Andrew? I look in their eyes and see the love they have for this wonderful boyfriend of mine, everybody loves Andrew. He's a great guy, its because of all the same reasons I love him, dam, and the cycle starts again. If I could just tell them I'm not happy, and I realise that my whole life wont fall apart, then maybe I could break free from the torment and hurt, but right now I'm just not strong enough.

I'm having a real problem moving on tonight. Our argument was perhaps less confrontational than some, but you see, he has gone to bed without saying goodnight. Now I face a difficult decision. Do I sleep in a sleeping bag on the couch, or do I climb into bed next to him and try to sleep with all the anger oozing out of me. Either option sounds awful, but he has forced me into this choice, another reason to hate him.