Before I Head Out

Almost time to go out and what am I thinking about? Don't know
really. Don't know what's going to happen, don't really care either. I
can't say I've been in a bummed mood because I haven't. I've been in a
thinking mood. Always thinking and wondering and being more like my old
self, but new self at the same time. There's a lot more going on
upstairs than there used to be, but there's a lot of the old things
going on up there as well. There's nothing different or new about that.
I've always thinking and wondering and some of the things I'm thinking
about are new and some of it isn't. I guess I've changed and I've
stayed the same, but there's something different inside me that wants
to get out, something that isn't me but it's so much a part of me
except that I didn't even know it was there. What's a guy to do? Should
I let it lead or should I remind it who's the boss? What is this other
part of me that I wasn't aware of or was I aware of it and always
pushing it down? Maybe it's the new 'tude. Maybe I don't give a fuck
and what happens, happens you know, but we all got be who we are
right?

There's no making you into the person you are. What happens, happens no
matter what anyone says. We think about the things we've done and want
to do. The things we haven't done and should've. We pull it all
together and do what we can to be the person we want to be. There's no
way of predicting the outcome of any situation, well some you can give
really good guesses but for the most part you're flying blind and some
of us admit to ourselves and some of us don't. Sometimes it's better to
do the latter. Sometimes not knowing is half the battle. Nice little
twist on things huh? But that's beside the point. It's all about what
we want and what we're going to do to get it. Sometimes knowing the
odds and knowing what we're up against only deters us from
possibilities. I don't know if I've done it and I don't care right now
because it's not about living in the past. It's about living in the
here and now. Everyone who knows me knows that one of my mottos is no
regrets. No regrets about you did or said you just learn. You, learn
from what you've done come good or bad because if you don't you're
doomed to repeat it all over again and we all know how I feel about
that: been there, done that not doing it again. And believe me it's
easy to get caught up in that again. D?j? vu is one thing but constant
past life reoccurrence is fucking frightening if not annoying.

It's time to break the rhythm and set your own tone and beat. Break
away from the path that others follow and find your own, sooner or
later you'll meet up with people again. To appreciate life sometimes
you need to go through it alone. I mean really alone to know what you
want. Sometimes we have hard times of standing on our own two feet and
sometimes we need to lean on someone and there's nothing wrong with
that, but there comes a time when there's not going to be anyone to
hold you up and you have to hold yourself up. It's not an easy thing to
do, but it's something that you should. There are and will never be no
guarantees in life. No matter the pact you think you've made there's
nothing that's iron clad here. What you thought and wanted may never
be. What you thought you had you could lose. You can't put all your
trust and reliance in anyone because you have to save some for
yourself. If you don't have those things for yourself then you're not
going to get far in the world no matter how far you think you've gotten
and how high you've soared if all you do is rely on others you'll soon
fall and it may not be evident, but it'll happen soon enough.

Reach out to those that want to reach back, but remember that sometimes
it takes a party of one to make it happen. Sometimes flying solo is the
way to go because when things get rough you'll learn what you're made
of, course that's not to say that we can do it alone all the time. I
wish we could because then I would feel that I was so right, but I know
from experience that sometimes you have to lean on others when you
can't stand on your own. However&;#8230;however I know that
sometimes I need to let myself fall to see just where I'll land.
Sometimes I need to let that globe shatter and let the pieces fall
where they may to see if I have what it takes to put it back together
again or if I can make something new from something broken. I may fall,
I may cry, but my spirit will never die. That's what I have to tell
myself and there's so many things I can turn to help me, but I have to
be able, be willing to give myself that push that reminder that before
I someone can reach out to help me, I have to reach to them and left
myself up to a point where I'm able to reach them. I have to remember
they are not my sole source of strength and that in this world yes I
have God, but I'll always have myself because as they say God helps
those who help themselves. That goes from Him to the rest of the world.
How can we get help when we won't help ourselves?

I know that sometimes that I may want for things so bad, want for
someone to be there with me in my life, but I know that I'll be ok if
I'm not with someone. That everything will be all right if I'm walking
that path alone because I'll see more and do more than anyone could
ever imagine. What you see is only an image. What you know is barely
next to nothing. Who I am&;#8230;ask me and we'll discover if you
have the courage to see.