Our Living Essence

So right now I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I know I'm headed
somewhere, even with all the things happening in the world right now.
It's not about anyone else, not even me. Though it is for me. I mean
it's time I started doing things for myself to see how it all works
out, but sometimes you have to take leaps and bounds and other times
you need to take little baby steps. Right now I'm somewhere in between
trying to find my way, even with all of these thoughts running rampant
through my mind. Sometimes it's like it's all right, as in all is right
with the world and other times I feel like I'm totally out of control.
Right now I don't what's going on, but I definitely like it. Even with
all the ups and downs I know this what I want to be doing. I'm taking
chances in my own way and even if things don't work out at least I
tried.

Tried and trying are two words that mean a lot, but do, doing, done and
did are even better. I'm definitely not a meek person, but I know how I
can get. It shouldn't be about someone else encouraging me. It should
be about me encouraging myself. I'm not exactly happy with who I am,
but I don't detest it either. I know there's a lot of things I could be
doing and a lot of place I could be, but right now I'm climbing out of
that shell I placed myself in so I can actually breathe an not worry
about someone else thinks. Not that fitting into someone's model or
model has been a life dream, but sometimes it just happens.

It's bound to happen when you take your parents and family into
consideration, and let me tell you that it's pure hell, the type that
takes years to get out of. Pretty much like Dante's Inferno type of
hell. How can I put it? It's not like you're unhappy, but in some ways
you are. You can't be yourself, because people want you to be so many
things. I don't know about you, but I know I want to shake it all off,
but you can't no matter what you do until you find the ways and words
to do so. Sometimes it can be a painless transition, but most times
it's one of the most painful things in the world. People feel like they
don't know you and in essence you don't know yourself. You're
desperately trying to find out who that person is and how you can
relate to them.

Interesting concept, relating to one's self. How do you do it? Does it
just happen or does it take time or is it a little of both. We all know
it's in there somewhere and it just takes a little time that's all.
Time is something we all have and don't have at the same time. That's
what it feels like. So many contradictions, how can we possibly live
our lives with so many falsehoods and obstacles presenting themselves
at every turn and corner. Trick is we just do. I don't think we know
how consciously, but we more or less feel our way through it. We count
on our experiences and instincts to guide s through this crazy world we
call home. I'm no one important, don't want to be actually, but I want
to share what I feel with the world through the best means I know how.
I want to make something of myself, for myself, and about myself, but
at the same time not lose who I am.

I'm not saying that people do, far be it for me to point fingers, like
I need three of them pointing back at me, but there's something in me
that wants to shout. Something that wants to scream, but I don't know
what it is. Maybe it's the part of me that knows. Knows what it's all
about, what I was meant to do. The instinctive part inside of us all
that knows the truth behind the truths, the mystery behind the
mysteries. The part of us that knows what it's all about. The part of
us we deny and repress for no known reason at least not a logical one.
It's that part of us that makes us innately unique, but at the same
time fearful of what's truly out there.

It's definitely a conscious part of us, but while it's strong in some
of us it's weaker in others. I can't quite give it a name because it
has no name yet. At least not one that I'm aware of, yet it's as much a
part of me as my hair, skin, thoughts and ideas. When I look out into
the world I see the mundane and ordinary, but the nameless part of me
sees so much more. People probably want to call it my spirit, my soul,
yet I know it's more than that. One might say it's my living essence,
part of my spirit yet strong enough to have it's own identity, yet too
weak to be consistently present in our everyday lives in a more
pronounced form.

While our spirit connects us to each other, our essence divides and
shapes into who we are. It's apart of us and everyone yet retains a
uniqueness that cannot be matched but others. It comes about in its own
way sometimes through art, writing and other such founts of creativity,
but most of all through actions. Committing an act that is truly of
one's self personifies our essence. It reminds us of what's important,
what's needed and who we are. Sometimes people may not understand our
actions but most times we do. Why many acts are similar in nature there
is a definite distinction in the manner in which they are carried
out.

It's that style that makes us who we are. While some acts are grand and
eloquent others are small and plain, but the fact remains that no
matter what they are they are apart of the person who commits them.
They are and always will be echoes of our living essence.