Pain

I don't expect miracles to happen over night or over a month. I
don't know when I expect them to happen. Pretty much right now I don't
know what I expect out of life. Part of me wants to plan everything out
to a tee, but then there's this other part of me that knows that I
can't have everything I want when I want it, but sometimes the waiting
gets to me, not to mention the whys and whens. The one that gets me the
most is the hows? How does this person do this? How does this person
have someone in their life? How can this happen to them and not to me?
Do I really have a fucked up attitude or am I truly fucked for
something that I didn't even know I did.

Life seems to pass me by and I'm running to catch and when I stop
running and let it run into me it more or less runs me over rather than
along beside me wanting me to hope on and enjoy the experience. I'm
tired of being knocked down. How many times can you dust yourself off
before you start to see a pattern? No matter what you do or how you do
it always seems the same? You find yourself outside looking in? Maybe
it's my personality. Let's face it I don't have the happy go lucky
attitude going twenty-four/seven. Maybe I try to hard or maybe I don't
try at all. I believe things happen when they should and maybe it's
just not meant for it to happen right now, but I need to do something
because I don't want to be where I was weeks ago even years ago. I have
to break away from that life. I'm not trying to reinvent myself, but
I've taken a vacation from my life for too long. It's time to open my
eyes and wipe the sleep from it because life is calling, but where it's
headed, my life that is, who the hell knows.

I guess I just woke up and it happened. I guess I got tired of telling
myself that things would change or I had to accept the things the way
they were. I accept that there are things about people I can't change.
Hell, I accept that I can't change other people. That's not what I'm
here to do. I can only worry about myself and the people I care about,
well I can worry about them as well, but there's only so much I can do
for them. I can offer them advice and help them out when I can, but I
can't lead their lives for them and I can't be the person they want me
to be. I can't, because the person they want me to be isn't who I want
to be or who I am. I can only be who I can be and I don't know who that
person is, I'm trying to learn. No matter how many times I get knocked
down I guess I'll always be learning. Problem is that it's getting
harder and harder to get up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost with no where to go. There's no hand out
there for me to grab onto to help me up and sometimes you do need a
helping hand and it's not there. Some people would speculate that's how
you get jaded, but I say it's how you learn to rely on yourself for
many of the things you want, but on the same token it's how you learn
not to trust. Sometimes it's how you cope with being alone and lonely.
Everyone knows that those two words don't mean the same thing, but
sometimes they can and when they do the world seems light years from
you. You're caught up in a place that you can't even begin to describe.
It's like you're lost in a maze and you have no chance of getting out.
I guess that I'm close to getting out and I'm starting to feel a little
anxiety, or maybe it's because I'm out and I'm readjusting to life
outside of the maze, the cage, the self-imposed exile I placed myself
in, because I was tired of coping with other peoples inability to cope
with their problems or realize the way they were treating me was making
me feel like a second class person within their circle of
friends.

Whatever the case it happened and now that I'm out I find myself in a
place that I've been in many times before, but this time it's harder to
break through and be where I want to be. Maybe I'll never get there.
Maybe I'll be the constant observer. Maybe it none of it really matters
anymore, but maybe the fact that I'm trying says something to someone.
May not say much to me now because I hurt like hell, but maybe sometime
soon it'll mean something to me, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to
stop. Even if I keep shouting in my mind that I should, because of the
way I'm feeling right now. There's always a lot going on upstairs, but
sometimes I just have to go through the motions to appreciate what I
have even though I find myself wanting and needing. Do I really want it
that bad? Do I really need it that much? And what the hell is it? Is it
a feeling? Is it a sensation? It's just there. Problem is a lot of
people have it and I don't. Maybe that's the key right there? I want
what other's have or maybe I have it and don't even know it. I really
doubt the latter, because if I had it I wouldn't feel the way I do
right now.

Course there are people that always want more than they need at the
moment, but right now I think there's a lot of things I need and a lot
of things I want and I don't see either finding there way to my door
step. Not that I'm saying that I wouldn't work for it, but I feel like
I'm working for everything, and I do mean everything. No matter what I
do there's always some effort and it's not even a little effort it's
massive effort, whether it's seen or not, on my end. Sometimes you get
tired of putting that type of effort out there. Sometimes you just want
to throw your hands up in the air and say fuck it, because it doesn't
matter. Course if it doesn't matter what does it hurt so much when you
think about it. Maybe it's a mental thing, you know you think you want
it so when you don't have it you find yourself creating this longing,
aching pain inside that really comes from no where except the depths of
your own mind. Well excuse me if I don't think it's psychosomatic. I
may not be a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I know when I'm making
things become real that aren't and this isn't one of those times.

What I feel is what I feel and right now I'm feeling pain. Whether or
not I'll go into isn't the case, the fact that the pain's there is. We
all have these moments and how we find our way out of them can be
interesting and unique, but what happens when you find yourself
replaying these moments in different situations. It's like a different
motif, but it's all the same things happening. People hear you but you
don't listen. You find yourself wondering if you're speaking in
tongues. You find yourself wondering why it should matter at all. Take
chances, take a risk you know it's all a gamble you tell yourself. My
life isn't a game. I'm tired of treating it like a game. I'm tired of
everything being played against odds that I can never seem to win at
times. Each time I advance it's like I'm sent back tens and hundreds of
steps to the point that I'm back at the beginning. The rat race has
moved swiftly without me and no matter how many times I try to play by
the rules or find ways around them I find myself in the same spot.
Maybe it's time I stop playing the game, problem is that I have and
that sends me even further back it seems.

Maybe I'm rambling, maybe I'm not I don't know what to tell you, but
I'll tell you this it's never easy living life and I've been trying to
do that. I can hear myself saying so many things and they hold so true
to me and I they are dear to me, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to
say them. I wish I didn't have to hold onto them because when I say
that I can't accept the fact that I&;#8230;that means that I'm
forecasting my own future based on the way things have played out
recently and in the past and it's not pretty. Sometimes I shouldn't
have to accept that fact&;#8230;sometimes I shouldn't have to accept
the things people want to toss my way, but just because I shouldn't
have to doesn't mean that I won't have to because if there's one thing
I know nothing, nothing in this world is truly fair. This wasn't a fair
world we were brought into. It's just the wold not a fairy tale, not
make believe just life and sometimes, a lot of times you have to accept
what it gives you. Roll with the punches and see where you land, but
sometimes you have to stand up for what you want. Good luck to you and
stand fast because the recoil is going to be a mutha.