Ramblings on Jonathan

What if there was someone that you wanted to be with so bad that you didn't know what to do with yourself. Yet, the attraction was an odd one at best. You didn't know where it came from and you really didn't know what it was about the person that you liked about them. Perhaps it was their wit or their natural charm that one you over. Perhaps it was the way it they were themselves. Perhaps it was the natural honesty about them that seemed to win you over. However you didn't really know what to do with this.

Could you actually picture yourself in a relationship with them? Could it be a reality or maybe it was the idea of them actually liking you back that interested you more. Just that moment when they looked at you like they looked at other people. Perhaps it was a sympton of something bigger. The fact that you were actually lonely and you were having one of those moments where you felt that you needed someone in your life. You weren't have a crisis, your life wasn't spinning out of control, but you just wanted to connect. To feel something with someone. You wanted to be able to reach out and touch them and know that they were there, that they were real. Maybe that's what this was.

Then again maybe it was just an attraction. They do happen. They happen to people all the time. Even right now someone could be having an attraction of some sort. Hard to say what is, because it's unexplored. Perhaps your just that starved for contact that you're seeing more into something that isn't there and you already know it's one sided, because they never look at you the way you look at them. Maybe you should just close your eyes and count to ten and tell yourself that it's simply a figament of your imagination. Nothing more, nothing less. No harm done that way.

But what if?

That's the scary part. The part of you that wonders if you missed out on something special, because you were too afraid to step forward to say what was really on your mind. Too afraid to share what's been building. It's ok to be unsure, because half of the time we're not really sure about anything. Half of the time we're making it up as we go along hoping that we get right.

Hoping. Wondering. Deceiving ourselves briefly, because if we let our doubts get the better of us we would never take the chance to get something more than we already have. Risk would never come into play. We would take the easy way out. At least I would. So mabye instead of closing my eyes and counting to ten. Maybe instead telling myself that it's nothing more than a trick my mind is playing on me. Maybe I should open my eyes and see right what's in front of me.

What do I have to lose?

Everything? Nothing? Anything?

What harm is there in trying to see what it is that's building inside? I wish I had an answer I could trust, but this time I don't.

Parting glance? Passing attraction? What is it?

I don't want to over think it. I don't want to analyze it to death. Yet, there's that part of me that wants to understand. It needs to understand. I don't want to wreck it. I don't want things to become awkward. Yet in a sense I know what it is.

It's safe. It's familiar. It's fun. It's exciting. It's new and different, but is it more?

How can this happen? When did this happen? I wish I knew. I wish I knew so I could just stop that moment and freeze it in time and tell it not to happen.

There's this part of me that says it can not happen. It should not happen. Because it would just change everything that is. When that happens what will I have left. What will we have left?

Am I afraid?

To many times have I found myself in this place before where I am wishing and hoping that it can be different, but it's not. It's all the same. It never changes. Different words, but the same sentiments. Nothing more to see. Nothing more to what it is. "What you feel, you feel. What I feel..."

What they feel is nothing and I tell myself that it's nothing. That it just like it came it'll go.