Whispers and Giggles

You know what I found out last night? It's probably been something a
long time coming. With all the things that I've been through I'm
surprised it hasn't happened already. Actually it has but it's been
short lived, but right now it feels so real that I can more than taste
it, I can feel it. Sometimes I wondered when I would get to this point
or if it would even happen and believe me I'm glad it's here. Don't
know where it's leading me and to be honest I could really care less
because I don't feel so out of control. The listless feeling isn't gone
it's more or less been dampened. Hopefully as this continues it'll be
stamped out but I don't want to do more than necessary because feeling
listless is a part of life. It comes and goes and reminds us that not
every day can be a good one.

It's not like I have this fiery determination, because I know there's a
lot out there that I still need to understand. I still have a lot of
years left in me. There's much more to see, do and experience. I know
my spirit can brace it. I know my mind can handle it. I just hope the
body can take it. I'm not saying that I'm going off on some grand
adventure because life is the most important adventure one can
experience the one that matters most. What we do in life matters,
because it's our life and no one else's. No one can write your story,
only you can determine what happens. We determine what actions are
taken and brace ourselves the consequences. No matter how out of
control we feel or lack of control we feel we have we've always played
a part in the position we find ourselves in.

Bearing that in mind it's easy to see, or should I say understand that
we make things happen. Only we can make it happen when comes down to
it, no matter how many people help you, you're the one that sets things
in motion. There has to be some spark, something that you have don't to
bring opportunities to light. They say we can't do it alone and that's
true to a point, but you can't go anywhere without having a sense of
the part you've played in the grand scheme of things. In your life you
have to remember that you do matter and no matter what you what you've
got to do what's best for you and those entrusted to your care. Take
stake in what's important in life and figure out how it relates to you.
Bring it together and remain firm and it'll see you through this ride
we call life.

We'll with that being said the revelation I came to last night is that
I really don't give a shit. I want to tell everyone to go to hell, but
that's not fair. I just don't care what people say or think. Not that I
really did, not continuously and not to the point that it would control
my actions, but there are some things that I was conscious of and it
hindered my actions. Going out, having fun and observing has paid off a
lot. There's so much that I should probably say or do, but right now
I'm at the point of where if it's not going to happen so be it. I'm not
a miracle worker. Miracles happen you don't create them. I cant' say
that I'll let go of the fantasy. The fantasy of possibly, maybe, but I
won't get hung up on it. The idea that things could be this way is
nice, but everyday reality's there to remind me that it's far from
happening possibly never. Not that it matters because I'm happy where
I'm at and with what's going on in my life that's for sure.

I could be caught up in so much shit you know whispering and giggling
about stupid shit, blowing people off because they're not in my clique.
However, when you're just one, things aren't that easy, but believe me
I'm no where near desperate. I have my own style. At least I try to. I
build off what I like. Sometimes it's pretty much like the way it was
intended in the world and sometimes it isn't. I'm not trying to be
anyone but me. In my eyes, that's what matters, that's what counts,
despite what others may believe or think. Sure I look, but it's not
often that I pursue. Perhaps I should work on that or perhaps I just
want to be pursued. Maybe that's expecting a lot, but at least I'm
expecting something you know, but I'm not waiting either. I choose to
make things happen, but on the same note I know things may or may not
work out.

It's been more of the latter, but who gives a fuck! I'm out there and
you know what I'm not settling. Probably shocks the hell out of people
that I'm the way I am sometimes, the idea that I don't settle and stay
alone. There have always been opportunities, but the way I look at is
"Is it really an opportunity?" Perhaps it could be fear, fear of
rejection? Possibly, maybe, but sometimes you have to play the odds.
Life's a gamble and even sometimes a sure thing can be a major
disaster. It doesn't mean you stop trying you just keep playing the
odds, you never know what can come about. Sometimes the risk is worth
it though a lot of times it's not. Though it can be fun and exciting
you have to be careful and not get jaded and it's so easy for that to
happen. There's no guarantees in life on possibilities and there's
always an up and a down, yes or no and good and bad. Sometimes it's in
the cards and sometimes it comes down to what you want and what you're
willing to do to get it.

Fact is that you have to decide whether it's worth it or not. Just
because I don't jump at every Tom, Dick or Harry doesn't mean I can't
look no does it mean that I'm leading a lonely existence. I definitely
have my days, but for the most part I know I like my life. Some parts
of it need a little tweaking here and there, but show me someone's who
doesn't and I'll be in awe for about&;#8230;two seconds, five tops.
I'm just at a point where I know that so much shit happens that I know
I can't let it keep me down. I have rise above it, get over it, and
shed it like dead skin. Do something, but most of all don't give about
the whisper and giggles.