Greetings from Inner Space

Greetings from Inner Space:

Writer’s Blog Stardate 2412/2007 time 1915 S.F.T.*

My fingers hover over the keys. My 1500 words to send to Bella Magazine won’t write themselves. Perhaps they should. I’ve got a title:
‘Pressed for Time’. It’s about ironing. Just a bit worried that the Kerry Katona Klones who read the magazine won’t know that to press means to iron. Target your audience: I read that in a book. Oh well.
‘Boing’. I’ve got mail. I used to have that Microsoft ‘tah-dah’ thing. Just too cheerful for another submission rejection, so I changed it. Read it? Write for Bella? Yep. You’re right:

Sender : GregorR@transvestitehq.com
Subject: Submission Transvestite Magazine Issue #9

I should say here that the magazine’s not really called ‘Transvestite.’ Apologies to any real magazine of that name. Anyway I read down

Hello Ewen,

See this is a bad start; my name is Ewan. I think this means they probably haven’t read my effort. It makes me mad: someone who stops reading something because of a misplaced comma in the first paragraph can’t spell your name right.
I worked hard at this one; bought two copies of the magazine. 10 stories in each: 5 short stories, 5 microfiction. It’s an interesting magazine, based in Manchester. The stories published generally had to have:
a) A pre-op transsexual onanist protagonist.
b) A narrator with specified or unspecified mental health problems.
c) A science fiction slant.
d) A crime, preferably violent.
Or e) All of the above.
I had high hopes of ‘The Alien Ate It’. Sexually confused P.I., Phyllis Marlowe, suffering from Munchausen’s, unearths corruption on Planet Bay after a series of sexual murders. But no-one believes him. I thought it was a cert. I read the e-mail:

Thank you for your submission to Transvestite Issue#9.

This time around we received over 300 submissions and the competition
was especially fierce. It's got style, but is unfortunately not for us. We regret to inform you that we will not be publishing your work this time.

Best wishes
Gregor
Editor - Transvestite

Oh well. I know what the problem is. Writers are a different species. I’m often asked what planet I’m on. ‘Fuktifyno’ I always say.
That’s the problem. I do assess the audience, really! For example, for today’s effort - bored single, married, working, non-working mothers with 10 minutes max to read a story in a magazine. So I start, it usually begins well; but sooner or later the ‘Fuktifyno Factor’ fucks it up.
‘Amazing Worlds’ rejected one just the other day: The Creature from the Black Bull, I mean it was standard sci-fi; dire Darlington Darts team suddenly begins winning when 3-tentacled creature from Alpha Centuri joins after his Trans-Galactic Telesponder crashes in Yarm. The Dun Cow wouldn’t take him as they already had a guest-player that week.
Anyway just going to get on with that Bella thing: might post the last few lines later, to give you a flavour.

Greetings from Inner Space :
Writer's Blog Stardate 2412/2007 time 2133 S.F.T.*

Ok, as promised the last few lines.
‘Kerry was so pleased she’d done the ironing that day. It was worth the massive burns on her inner arm just to meet the dreamboat Doctor in casualty. Who knew? Next time he might do more than take her bandages off.’
I’ve gone the whole hog this time: 25 word pen picture, (even mentioned Fuktifyno). I think the p.s. ‘ll clinch it though.

PS take me to your reader.

* S.F.T. = Standard Fuktifyno Time