Whistle

Rovers. Rovers came in for Johnny. Only last month: best Christmas present I’ve ever had. He’s 11, still small too. Maybe he’ll be a late developer. That’s what I’ve always said and that’s what the scout from Scumchester said. I don’t call Man U that in front of Johnny, but it’s what I say in my head. It would have been a tough decision to let him go to them, if they had wanted him. But no, Johnny was too small for them. I didn’t mention Nobby Stiles and Lou Macari, Short-Arsed Heroes of the Stretford End.

My son is two-footed, which I never was, and that was enough for me to miss out after a trial at Grimsby Town. He jumps well for a little lad and, well, he sees the picture. There aren’t many who see the picture: Scholes did, but my Johnny’s a better tackler than he ever was. That Iniesta can see the whole pitch in his head too. He’s a little guy, look at him – twice a world cup winner. Johnny reminds me most of George, though. I reckon he’ll catch the eye of the birds, when he’s older. He’ll stay clear of the drink, I haven’t touched a drop in five years, myself. He’ll know better.

Vince Pander. That’s the guy who’s done it all for Johnny. A freelance. He does scouting for a few clubs and is part of the youth set-up at Rovers. He won’t work with any of the big five or Crewe, says they’re too focussed on the bottom line. Obviously, he doesn’t do much with the “Moneyball” clubs, since Academies “aren’t part of their philosophy”. Vince did that thing with his fingers in the air, as he said that. He wears a syrup, does Vince and yes, he looks like a Winfield Ron Atkinson. Winfield: I got my first boots from Woolworth’s. They were shit. Plastic knock-off of the previous year’s must have Adidas. No wonder I never made it.

Johnny gets new boots whenever he needs them. Sometimes that’s once a season, but more often it’s twice, depending on how he grows. I look after his boots, it’s the least I can do. No kid is going to clean and polish them properly, anyway.

The great thing about Vince is he’s so popular with the kids, they hang on his every word. I’ve been to a couple of his sessions when he invited me along to watch, whilst he ran his eye over Johnny. There was one lad who looked a bit moody at the first sesh, but he wasn’t there the other times.

He makes the sessions fun, at the end he blows the whistle 3 times and shouts “Pile on”. He lies on the floor and the kids pile on top of him, writhing about. There’s a lot of squealing, so you can tell they’re all having fun.

Johnny’s been a bit quiet since joining the Academy. It’s new. But it’s great for him. It’s local. So local he could get a bus, but you know what? Vince picks him up every day.