an old cliche

 

either way, I will blame myself

either way, I will hate myself for not doing more

for not doing less

for doing nothing

so

I understand, I’m listening

 

and I wish I could do more

 

I think back to when all we did was adore

one another, trust one another, my greatest flaw

was born

the day you said you were falling for 

me 

longing for me 

when guilt didn’t trip and stumble and 

tantalise me

 

why can’t I put on a brave face like everyone else? 

the truth stares me in the face and then melts away with 

my self destructive thoughts 

a violation of sorts 

all I can do is enforce my 

stability 

 

but even that's failing now 

 

I’m the foundations of a structure that 

somehow

I can’t see the top of

and how?

my back aches with regret, with shame, with sin 

until I’m left but a frame of the woman I was 

 

of the girl I was 

I mourn for my youth 

because 

the grief I never

 

quite 

 

caught 

 

it still runs through my blood and clots 

at the skin and I ought to feel remorse 

 

because it was never mine to have 

 

grief clings to my ankles like the child I lost 

but when I shake her off, cast her away, I know the cost 

will exhaust me 

drain me 

the girl rules from my head and pulls at my heartstrings

the same ones she crossed only minutes before 

until 

 

‘her’ becomes ‘me’ 

guilty 

an apology drips from my tongue

like sweet honey

I apologise to the nth degree 

 

an old cliche

 

the court has experienced foul play 

 

I say I understand because 

 

that’s all I can say