The Apocalypse

I’ve always had uncontrollable and unexplained fear of zombies. No idea why, the idea of them just terrified me. Anything else I can take with no issue, any other horror movies were never a problem.

I tried to watch “Resident evil” and had to stop the movie not even half way through it, given the fact I wasn’t watching “watching” the whole time, hiding behind a pillow. For a 30-year-old women I’m not sure that was normal, but hey, everyone fears something.

By the way I never watched anything else remotely close to “Resident evil”.

Until one day I had the stupidity to go to the cinema with my husband to watch “I am Legend”.

Big mistake.

I literarily kept my eyes closed, trying to control the urge just to run. I couldn’t explain where this fear comes from. I managed to stay till the end, mostly listening, not watching and the movie was finally over I basically charged for the exit, while my husband was trying to catch up with me.

The movie shook me so deeply, even so I saw just parts of it, I couldn’t sleep for months. It took me quite a while to manage to contain my fear and then with time it gradually disappeared (meaning I was able to contain it). I never made another attempt to watch anything that included zombies. I just drew a line and never crossed it.

So the last time I was behind that line was in 2007, trying to watch “I am Legend”.

16 years ago.

And out of nowhere, last night I had the most horrific dream exactly about zombies. There is no way I watched something that may provoked my dream. But before I go further, sometimes my dreams are so vivid and realistic you can almost touch them. The other thing is that if I dream in HD I am aware I am dreaming and can change the plot without even waking up. I can pause, reverse, zoom – the details are unbelievable. If only I could draw…

I find myself in a wasted land, no green, no trees, no water – only dust and rocks, covered with bleach-white human bones. Piles of it. Everywhere. And it’s just me. This is when I realise I am dreaming so there was no fear. Just curiosity.

Where the hell I am? – kicking the bones and the rocks, marvelling at the details. Then I saw them.

Some people, real people, just walking around in the distance and when I tried to go to them they ran from me. “Interesting”, I thought. Then I waved to one of them and yelled that there is nothing to be afraid of – it’s only me here.

This is when they ran lie hell away from me and I felt an immediate threat behind me. So I put a shovel in my hands, just like you change weapons in video games, turned around with swinging the shovel and… hitting very graphically (a could hear the impact on the shovel when hit the barely covered bones, the thud, when the body hit the ground, everything) a zombie.

Zombie? I don’t dream stuff like that and more importantly, there was no fear in me because I knew I was dreaming.

Meanwhile the zombie tried to jump on me again and met my shovel again.

I walked away now paying attention to my surroundings. From what I knew they were never alone and there are always crowds and crowds of them. But this one was alone.

And usually people were running away from them, not from another human being. Something was really weird about all this. While I was thinking about it the scene changed, same wasted lands and everything, only the zombie I saw was now multiplying and all charging against me.

Ok, not a problem, the shovel came in very handy and I have to admit – it was somehow satisfying smashing them. This continue for some time, I was on top of a pile of dead zombies, keep the still multiplying and charging once at a shovel distance. Then one of them managed to get so close to me and when I pinned it down with the shovel dig in so deep in its neck, nearly taking the head off I bend over to have a closer look.

What I saw totally made me freeze. Knowing that more of them are coming for me from behind I just put a glass between them and me, concentrating on the one I had under my shovel. There was no fear, just pure disbelieve. It can’t be.

I saw my mothers’ eyes.

Then I felt movement around me and I saw people again watching me from a distance. Just watching, normal people.

And then it hit me. They were running away from me, because the zombie was only after me. It never even made an attempt to chase down some of the other people, only me, in each scene. The thing was still gurgling and trying to reach me, I had to think, so I just pressed the shovel against its neck with everything I got, the head rolled away and the noise stopped. Now the people were around me, close, again just watching. And the answer was in their eyes – what I just “killed” was what my sub subconscious was “seeing” or “feeling” towards my mother.

But why so brutal? It can’t be. “It can”, the gaze of the people around me confirmed. “This is what you see, the truth is what you see.”

I thought that change of scene might help to really understand what I am seeing, as deep down I couldn’t believe it. I put her in a small isle, which she couldn’t escape from, but she could see me and I could see her. Her gaze was latched on me constantly, despite the other people around me, following every step I make.

It was clear that she wanted me and only me. While I was trying to take this in, fully in control over my dream, I heard my daughter from the next room asking for mummy or daddy, as she needed to go the toilet. The interesting thing was that she herds her too, which totally caught me off guard. I could feel my husband waking up and going to attend to our daughter needs so I stayed in the moment.

What she did I totally did not expect it. I put her on this tiny island, with boundaries, that she can’t get off it. Herring my daughter transformed her into entirely different thing. Like a drop of blood attracts shark. She broke my “boundaries” and charged straight towards my daughter room.

Now this is completely different. Coming after me it’s ok, I can take it, but my children – over my dead body. She kept charging and kept meeting my shovel. Then I “allowed” the presence of my husband in my dream – she immediately reacted the same way. More charging and more shovels.

Until I finally got it.

She doesn’t want to feed off only on me, but from everyone I love. Anything that can hurt me.

This is when I put a stop to everything. My mind constructed something that can only be described as a “terrarium” and I locked her there. She was furious, screaming and kicking against the glass walls, but there is no escape from there now.

This is her new home now.

I left the shovel by the door and left the wasted land. I woke up remembering every single detail of my dream, questioning if I’m going crazy or not. I’m still not sure but my short research showed that narcissist in a way resemble zombies – empty and dead inside, looking only for their next supply of emotional food.

Is it possible my unexplained fear of zombies comes from her?

As of this morning there is no fear. I tested it and now have no issues watching them. I really don’t know. I only hope I’m not losing my mind.

Can’t wait to share this with me therapist tomorrow.