Legacy of Pain

The complexity in my life as it turned out an't just be expresed by journalling. In order people to understand the real massive magnitude of what abuse dos to a person I desided to write a book based on my own live and experience, not sparing any brutal aspect of it. This is with the hope it will help me and I really hope it will help even one person. The name of the book is Legacy of Pain and what follows is my Gratitude page. I will be posting chapters as I write, I will apreciae if I you let me know if you can relate to the content as I intend to keep the content as brutal as the reality we live in is or any advice. Thank you.

To Those Who Made Me Real – my family – you have my endless gratitude and endless love.

You showed me what a real, loving, healthy parent-child relationship should be. You are the light in my darkness, the source of my life – my amazing children Maxim and Andrea.

And exactly because of this, you are both my biggest worry. It keeps me awake at night, while my mind is trying to figure out how on earth I can protect you? How to make sure that the horrendous way I was raised up will haunt forever only me? I did what I had to do and I will do whatever I have to do, but you will have the mother you should have, the mother you really deserve, not the broken women I was for so long.

Maxim, you saw me fall apart again and again. You witnessed the battles with my own demons that you couldn’t understand – battles I never wanted you to face.  You saw me when I was completely broken by my demons. Demons you cannot yet understand, nor I am willing to explain to you, as this would mean you will have to face my own horrors, and this is never happening. Perhaps, one day. When you are ready. Although I don’t think any normal human being would be ever ready for that… And I’d rather die than allow you to be a subject to such unspeakable horrors, that simply breaks you to your core, brakes you as a human being, until no humanity is left in you.

But that will never happen to you.

Know that your unbreakable spirit, your strength and determination gives you the capacity to crush anyone who tries to make you feel small. Because you are a giant. And I will be simply watching, just in case. Despite all that, despite all you have seen, despite you saw me broken so many times you never missed a way to tell me you love me, to assure me everything will be fine. The world does not deserve you and I don’t know how to protect you from all the unspeakable things people do to each other every minute of every day. Maybe you will do that on your own…Maybe you are my secret weapon… I love you more than you know and I thank you for believing in me. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most and I hope you can forgive me. Thank you for standing by my side, even when I just wanted to fade away.

 To my daughter, Andrea, who is still too young to understand it all. I will do my best she will never know until she is old enough to have the capacity to understand some of it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to open fully in front of her. At this point it feels like I will be opening a tin of rotten snakes and worms but time will tell. She saw very little of my darkest period and I am currently rebuilding my relationship with her as I was “never there” until she was around 2 years old. Thank you for the thousand kisses, the thousands hugs and most of all – for the spark in your eyes. This spark helped me to wake up and see the truth.

I can promise you, my amazing little girl, my amazing little fighter with eternal flame inside her – mummy will always be there for you from now on.

To my husband, my true love, my everything, my live. You saved me. I wouldn’t be alive without you. I don’t know how you managed to keep me breathing all these years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I apologise for everything I did, and everything I didn’t do. I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for giving me our beautiful children. I know I am twisted and damaged in so many ways and I am fighting like a demon to never lose my path again – for you, for Maxim, for Andrea. Thank you for your unconditional love and support from the moment we met more than 28 years ago. Thank you for not abounding me in my darkest hours. Thank you for being there for our children when I wasn’t able to. I am still recovering but having you, our son and daughter, all this love from all of you, I have no doubt that my journey through hell will soon or later will be over.

And know this. I will love you till my last breath and I will fight for you with everything I have. And for those, who does not know what I have, when I fight, how I fight – I will pray for you so you’ll never need to know. As I am not holding back anymore.

For years I was invisible, drifting through life like a shadow of what I was supposed to be. I didn’t know what love means. I knew how it’s supposed to look like – I was trained really well, but I had no idea it’s not just an act, being loyal and smile for the camera.

Your present to me was showing me what it is to experience real love for the first time.

 And it’s beautiful.

I have been robbed of so many years of love, years of feeling truly alive, but the moment I looked into your eyes, I knew I will never be the same. I didn’t know why. I just couldn’t let you out of my sight even for a second. I couldn’t believe that I, such unworthy and underserving person got you. It’s not that you set me on the journey to discover that I am real, you also gave me a voice. You though me that I am worthy. I will never be able to fully express the depth of my gratitude. You, my real family. You are the light that broke through the darkness; through the million broken realities my mother had imprisoned me without me even knowing. Back then this was the norm. You are my reason to keep fighting, to keep collapsing on the ground thinking this is the end; you are the reason I stood up and fought again, like my life depends on it as it really was. Not mine. Yours. And without you – I’ll simply cease to exist.

And know this. I will love you till my last breath and I will fight for you with everything I have. And for those, who does not know what I have, when I fight, how I fight – I will pray for you so you’ll never need to know. As I am not holding back anymore.

I did what I had to do so you never get even a taste of what hell I was brought up in and how my own family wants not just me now.

They want you too and our children.

This I will not allow.

This I DID NOT ALLOW.