C The Ways of All Women

The Ways of all Women

Observe her mouth open wider than it used to
There's a harsher Reich-like edge to her commands
Her voice rises shriller in yet smaller talk
She orders all assembled troops: advance!

Her patience is exhausted much more quickly
Tolerance observed more in the breach
If you're brave enough to attempt conversation
You're berated - her voice rising to a screech

Her face once such a picture has corrupted
Life has hewn angles; shadows dark
A simple approach "How are you, darling?"
Is ripped from throat and savaged: Rotweilers bark

She never seems to notice my achievements
Only brings attention to things not done
Whether that is d.i.y. or lack of shaving
Or the resemblance of father as to son

So once I slipped away and built a castle
Bought splendid clothes &; jewels to her lap
She folded arms and legs ever more tightly
"I don't know why you waste your money: take 'em back"

So instead I will have to try much harder
To keep in control the habits she abhors
"How many times have I told you!?" she rages
I tip toe away as she firmly bolts the doors

"Do you feel my dear that you are perfect reason?
And well balanced with a mix of work and fun?"
"Don't ask me when you know all of the answers
And don't let me see you buttering a bun"

"And another thing when are you doing the painting?
The eaves and gutter nor far from the ground
You expect me to slave away and laundry
The brush and paint thought missing; both I've found"
"And yet another thing I don't really like your hairstyle
or your trousers, mother, humour; you're past best
Until death us do part is quite inhuman
Do what you should as a younger man: go west"

"And don't let me catch you sitting at the table
Or at the kitchen window staring out
Or flopped out in the lounge supposed relaxing
Go out and walk the dog, you're far too stout"

Don't you remember darling when we both had meaning
When you actually moved forward to be kissed
Now each blue moon when our lips meet you're no longer dreaming
Eyes open you're caught praying I don't exist

"Is it your monthly trial approaching darling?"
Is her cue to get the hatchet from the shed
Her hatchet face and axe arm form a mirror
I try to diffuse by suggesting time for bed

The air is rent by mini Hiroshima
It's a wonder I am still alive at all
So to placate her and reduce her fuelled aggression
I agree to nail myself to the garden wall

And there I will remain until it's over
And the rabid beast has disappeared within
Does the calmer thoughtful caring child emerging
Recognize the hurt and pain she's put me in?

I try remembering that face once softly youthful
Without the hatred lines frustration burns
It's a hard uneven road we have to travel
And from all life's lessons who's to say we've learned

Some couples separate to seek their soul mate
Like minded share attraction, do the tour
But most likely given learning she'll choose a new man
Who mirrors everything that's gone before

So I discuss my plight with two blonde sisters
Good listeners both, good cooks and widely read
I ask them for a recipe to mellow my dear wife's heart
They promise and by each, by hand I'm led

"We cannot promise to stop her moans or whining
Or making unfair accusations; or her din
But by the time we've both tinkered with your psyche
At least you'll be going home content within"

"And later when she asks you why you're grinning
And enquires 'bout what gives you the right to smile
Tell her you met old friends who shared your heavy load
That might cause her to think once in a while"

And if you think herein my dear unjustly treated
And my version of female behaviour is unfair
I would guess that those complaining share the same pursuits
Shopping, nails, more bitching, shoes and coloured hair.