Z The Eligibile Non-Bachelor

The Eligible Non-Batchelor

"'ello girls would, you lika drink?"
They had so little time to think
"What's your poison? Baccardi, Rum?"
His eyes were touching up her bum

"I've not seen you 'ere before"
You're here - we leave by the other door
"I'm a lager man, meself"
I like it better on the shelf

"What brings you babes to this 'ere joint?"
Pleasant company?. What's the point?..
"I can 'andle 'bout ten of these"
Then shut up and start drinking, please

"I've got a mate, sits over there
You minds if he pulls up a chair?"
I'll never like him, given time
His mate resembles Frankenstein

"What drink was it??Rubs stubble chin
"I think I'll get the doubles in -
Why I say doubles, - you'll larf to bits
It's doubles as you've such big tits!"

"Play it cool then, I know your sort
It's girls like you had both us caught
We buy you drinks 'cause you appeal
And you wont even give a feel"

"But I think you girls will thaw a bit"
On endless shorts; look at that tit
"What you drive then, Sprint or Hearse?"
We came here in my Pegasus"

"Is that them new Italian makes?
I bought one cheap with knackered brakes
Do you fancy eats? (don't tell my wife)
I'll tell you the story of my life"

"And how I came to be sitting here
With you two Beaut's and this pint of beer
After eats you'll be heading home?
Do you have places of your own?"

"It's me new medallion; wot you think?
When it hits me sovereign ring, listen": chink
His smile both simple pleasure and jollity
"You hear that sound? Pure fucking quality"

"You like it? I can get you one
I know this bloke - got loads of 'em
Look, cause I like you I'll do a deal
Twenty sovs to you and that's a steal"

"You don't trust me, I'm telling lies?!
It's Gods own truth, on my babies eyes
I wont cheat ya, sell ya short
Now, do I look like the cheating sort?"

"What game you girls do, what line you in?"
We study the practice of medicine
"Oh, nurses, right? With arms like rowers?
I hear all nurses, well, they be go-ers!"

"Nurse, the screens, I need advice
You and your mate, well, what's your price?"
"No, only joking, I really need your view
Later, in the car park, I'll show it you"

Your straining tops, four globules round
"You don't get many those to the pound!"
"I hear nurses are quite highly strung
And appreciate a man well hung"

"We've had such a larf the four of us
I'm due up early; drives a bus
"Your place? a cross-bar on my bike?
I'd like to know you better, like"

Your learning for a doctorate?
That's a bit like Ray, my mate
He's studying too; Do you like his sweater?
Jobseekers are teaching Ray his letters"

"I've had a few and if I may be so bold
Don't want you frowning, turning cold
When I likes a girl and makes a pass
I compliment: you've a lovely arse"

"Once I went out with a girl like you
She was big with a fair pair too"
On my way home in the parking lot
She said I was a no-brain idiot"

"I put her straight, said Steady now"
The very cheek, the stupid cow
"But it's her loss, I told her so
I wouldn't touch it: I let it go"

"You know I'm a bit of a ladies man"
And girls know when I hold their hand
And gaze deep down into their eyes
While my other hand attends my flies

"Ray and me, you and your friend
We'll all be real close by the evening's end
You'll both be ready, drinking all that Vermont
We'll give you what all women want"

"I feel it's time we put you straight
Both you, bus driver and your moron mate
If we'd wanted conversation from pea-brain's small
We'd never have left the geriatric hall"

"If a lonely female falls for your like
And puts up with a lift on your push-bike
And doesn't interrupt 'till your talking's ceased
One thing you'd have in common: she must be deceased"

"And knowing you, you'd take her as the rigor set
Still talking incessant bollocks that's a sure fire bet
And when your courtships finished as her temperature lows
You'd keep her in the freezer for another go"

"No need to see us home; we'll both be fine alone
Have a long cold shower as you hone your bone
Next time you feel the need to pull and take a ride
Our suggestion: stay at home: suicide."