Stoner

It was odd sitting there with so much reminding me of the past:
books, records, posters and clothes. Everything that I used to be, the
very components of my being amassed in one room but missing the vital
glue that held everything together. She's gone forever, I told myself.
I wanted to believe this and yet I really didn't. Stuck in a Catch-22
situation, not knowing which move would make a difference.

So I found myself there, with Wardy and Alfy, trying to while away the
numb evenings. Wardy's woman was at home trying to revise for her exams
so he had to spend a few nights in with us. They have a fairly stable
relationship, they don't give each other too much hassle about seeing
each other all of the time: they're more mellow than most long term
relationships I've ever seen. You can see those two getting married in
the years to come. My relationship with Nic was different: we were so
alike that we almost lived in each other's pockets. I liked it like
that. I felt secure, as if the warmth that had been missing from my
life had been found. Only to be snatched away again. We could have been
like Morecambe and Wise, Vic and Bob, Delboy and Rodney. Now it looks
like we've turned out more like JFK and Marilyn Monroe.

'Pass me the lighter Sambo.' Alfy put down the remote control and
threw the request at me. 'Mine's all out of gas and I need a spliff.' I
rooted through my pockets to find my Clipper but it wasn't anywhere to
be found.

'Sorry mate, haven't got one.' I shrugged as a look of disdain crossed
his face; he almost made me feel guilty at times, even though I knew I
had no reason to feel such a thing. Still, I was disappointed that he
couldn't skin up - I decided to compromise. 'Go to the fridge mate,
under the cheese there's half an ounce of skunk. Bring it out here and
I'll treat you to something better than that sub-standard rocky shite.'
He smiled and darted through to the kitchen, throwing his lighter in
the bin as he went.

Well, I thought, after the week I've had I can do with a good
session.

Looking back on it I should have expected her to finish me. Things had
gone a bit stale and we were living on memories. Neither of us wanted
to make the moves to get to the next level. That doesn't stop the hurt
though. I truly believe that I loved her as much as it's possible for a
man to love a woman. Obviously it's true that you hurt the ones that
you love the most. I acted like a twat and paid the consequences. Kate
means nothing to me and never did; she came into my life and destroyed
it with deceit, tearing apart everything that ever mattered. Okay, it
was me as well but it was only one night - that's all it was. One
night. Stupid actions bring even more stupid consequences and this was
definitely one of them. Nic was my dream woman, I was never meant to
split up with her. But I have done. In the same way I was never meant
to sleep with Kate. But I did that as well.

I lit the spliff and inhaled deeply, hoping the calming smoke would
eradicate all thoughts of Nic for the night. Think about films, about
nights on the beer with the lads, games of football on the coming
summer days. Anything except her.
'D'you want to go camping some weekend soon?' I looked over at Wardy
and saw that he hadn't heard me at all. I looked at Alfy who quietly
nodded his acquiescence as he started to build another doobie. Doobie -
what a great word. I've found that it's rarely used in smoking circles
and so I like to use it even more. It's not as if it's a real word
either, there's no actual definition of it in the dictionary and so it
can mean whatever the user wants it to mean. You see, with 'spliff'
everyone knows what it is. It's in the dictionary and so there's
absolutely no ambiguity there. Doobie. Much better. In fact I reckon
that it's up there with the best words in the English language: spank,
koala, monkey and haberdashery.

'We could hire a van and go to Wales or somewhere. You know, a right
load of us could go down and just have a weekend of fishing and getting
caned by the river.' Again this received only a solitary nod from the
busy Alfy while Wardy registered fuck all recognition of my words.
Sometimes he just wanders off into another planet or another time. I
decided that it wasn't really the right time to try and get a decent
response out of either of them and dropped the matter, concentrating on
the smoking of my doobie instead.

As I toked it I found my mind wandering back to Nic; I was desperate
for some other kind of mental stimulation and it dawned on me that this
was not the most best environment for any sort of lucid chit-chat or
thoughtful debate.

'Will someone please talk to me because I'm very bored.' I threw an
old copy of the Radio Times at Wardy. It missed but it got his
attention.

'What?' It was almost a defiant stare. 'What's so bloody important
that you have to disturb my peace with childish behaviour?' I looked at
him blankly. Was he taking the piss? Didn't he know what had happened
between me and Nic? Surely Laura, She of the Huge Mouth, had mentioned
something about me over the past couple of days. For God's sake she
lived with Nic! Nic was bound to have told her, wasn't she? Or was it
that Nic didn't see the failure of our relationship as such a big
thing? Did she actually give a flying fuck?

'Erm . . .' I realised that I hadn't actually prepared how I was going
to tell the lads about my problems. 'Me and Nic have split up, we
finished this morning.' That was it, it was out now and it wasn't
really all that difficult to tell them.

Wardy laughed. 'Don't be stupid mate, you and Nic haven't split up.'
He chuckled to himself as I looked at him, open-mouthed. Mind you I
could see his point, it did seem unlikely that we would ever split up -
that's how good we were. Yet it was the truth, we were no more.

'No mate,' I sighed, 'we have. It happened this morning.'

Wardy chuckled again. 'No. You and Nic haven't split up - she dumped
you because you've been shagging that Kate from English. Don't even
pretend it was a two-way thing. Laura told me all about it this
afternoon.' Bastard, the bastard. FUCKING BASTARD.

'You fucking deserve it mate, that's lower than fucking low.' Alfy
chose this point to enter the conversation and give his ten pence
worth.

I felt as though my head was going to explode. 'How the fuck can you
preach to me? You've done it plenty of times!'

'Yeah, but I've never actually been going out with any of the girls
have I? Therefore I've always been single and thus cannot be termed a
cheat.' An awful look of triumph washed across his face and I knew that
he was right. I slumped down in my chair.

'I didn't want this to happen you know. It's not like I wanted to get
dumped.' This, in retrospect was a stupid thing to say, far too obvious
and served to encourage Wardy's tirade.

'Why did you shag Kate behind Nic's back then?' I swear that he looked
like my old headmaster, Mr Francis, when he said this: very stern but
with just that hint of concern. I reacted in exactly the same way as I
would have if it was Mr Francis asking the question. I shrugged my
shoulders and looked at the floor intently.

'That's it you see,' started Alfy, 'it's all like a big game of cat
and mouse. If you get too close and start fiddling with the pussy then
one day it's going to show it's teeth and bite your fucking hand off.'
He bent towards the gas fire and lit his doobie.

People always say that it's the simple things that you miss the most.
That's not always true in my experience, sometimes I miss the complex
things just as much.

Drugs for example. There's no way that people can say that drugs
aren't complex: I certainly wouldn't have a clue how to set about
making them. They can also be a bit tricky to get hold of at times,
more usually when you're desperate.

And then there's Nic. One hell of a complex girl. Saying that I do
know her pretty well but she still manages to confuse me. I can never
be certain what she is going to say or how she is going to react in any
given situation.
Obviously this means that, from time to time, she shocks me.

All this shit that's happened. It's all shocked me.

I looked over at Wardy. 'You making tea, mate?'

'Fuck off.' He didn't even move his eyes from the television. 'But
make me one while you're there.'

I shrugged non-committedly. 'What about you Alfy?'

His head popped over the arm of the sofa. 'If you're making one then
yeah, sure.' Then it popped back on to the cushion again.

I realised that I had to make tea: I was desperate for a cup myself
and I was desperate for some reason for them to talk to me again. I
needed a conversation with someone besides the nagging voice in my head
that I'd decided was my conscience.

'Skin up Alfy.' I threw the weed at his head, bouncing it onto his
chest. 'I'll be back in a minute.'

The kitchen was very cold, as cold as I ever remember anything being.
That's the problem with student accommodation: it's usually not too bad
on the whole but when it comes to heating it all starts going a little
bit pear shaped. The basic fact remains that students do not want to
spend money on heating when they could be spending it on doing
something that they will remember as being fun. No one remembers being
warm as being a particularly good laugh.

So I stood in the freezing kitchen cradling the kettle as it began to
heat up, leaving one hand on it as I made a half hearted attempt at
washing dirty cups in even colder water.

Then came the fridge, and the milk. Which was colder. I found myself
blessing the sugar, congratulating it on not being cold. I held my
hands over the steaming tea for a few seconds, trying to remember if
I'd seen any biscuits recently, realising that I was going to have to
move my hands to find them.

Even the cupboard was cold, I rather fancied that the handles were
sticking to my fingers like icy rods. I was instantly cheered by the
discovery of Chocolate Digestives: the best thing, I concluded, to have
happened in a long time. I munched on them as I made the tea.
When I had all of the treats piled neatly on the tray I made my way
back into the living room, a little spring in my step.

'So what are you going to do about Nic?' It seemed as though tea and
biscuits had a little something stored inside them. The art of
conversation.

'I'm not sure. I haven't really thought about it.' I dunked a biscuit
in my tea.

Wardy laughed. 'Bullshit, you've been sat there moping all
night.'

'Just because I've been moping doesn't mean I know what I'm going to
do about it, does it? I took a bite of the soggy biscuit, now wishing
that Wardy would quieten down. If it was the best conversation he could
come up with then perhaps The Tremeloes were right after all: silence
is golden.

'Why not? What's so fucking difficult? What is it that you've got to
work out?' He was starting to stare angrily at me now, the pressure of
living with the one considered to be the Devil was starting to get to
him. If Nic has a problem then Laura has a problem. If Laura has a
problem then it immediately becomes a problem to Wardy. And he clearly
wanted it sorted quite quickly.

I sighed. 'What do you think I should do?'

He looked at me as though it was so obvious. 'What do you have to do?
Are you that stupid?' He looked over at Alfy who nodded his accordance
with whatever was going to be revealed. 'Do I have to explain it to
you?'

'What is it I should do?' I was genuinely exasperated with Wardy. How
come he knew something about the female mind and I didn't?

He shuffled forward in his seat, arranging himself for what looked
like it was going to be a long and tedious sermon.

'What is it that you've done wrong? Why is Nic pissed off with
you?'

'Well, you know . . .erm, I . . .'

'Sorry, rhetorical question.' Wardy interrupted. 'You started fucking
Kate from English. Behind Nic's back. And then you lied to her when she
asked you about it. Didn't you?' He looked at me sternly, like my Dad
would've.

'Well, yes, I did.' I tried to look sheepish but really I think I just
looked like a sad twat who'd been rumbled.

'And why did you do that?'
'I had to. I couldn't tell her what I'd done. It would have destroyed
her: look at what's happening now.'
'Not that. I realise that you had to try and cover your back. Why did
you fuck Kate?' I hated the way he kept on saying 'fuck', making it
sound so crude and cold.
'Oh . . . I don't really know. I just sort of did . . . it didn't mean
anything. It was just a shag.' I looked at the floor.
'You fucked Kate because you're sick of fucking Nic.'
'No that's not it at all, you have to understand . . .' I looked at
him and I could feel tears welling up inside me. I tried to remain calm
and poised.
'What I understand is that you're bored with Nic and that you thought
that fucking someone else would spice your life up a bit.' I'd never
known Wardy to be so ballsy about things like this before. 'And you
know what this means don't you?'
I shook my head. 'Tell me.'
'It gives you licence now. You can fuck anything that moves if you
want. She dumped you. That equates you as the victim and therefore you
are legally entitled to rebound compensation.' Wardy was smiling. 'As
long as you don't read too much in to the situation and discover the
deeper facts then you're alright mate. Most people we know are only
going to think that she dumped you. Nic doesn't want it to be common
knowledge that you were fucking around behind her back. That'd
discredit her ability to maintain a full relationship and satisfy a
partner to best of her ability. You have to remember that she's back in
the shop window as well: she doesn't want to look like damaged goods.
You've got it made mate. If I were you I'd go back for another bout
with Kate; she's there, she's fit and she's quite obviously gagging for
your cock.'

To say that I was amazed is an understatement. I'd never heard Wardy
come out with anything like it in my life. I laughed so hard that I
thought the tea was going to come back up.

'So, why all the silence earlier on? And what's made you change your
mind? I thought you were in a right radge at me for shagging Kate.' I
tried to speak as I laughed.
He took a sip of tea and grabbed another biscuit. 'Had to make you
worry for a bit didn't I? I couldn't care less about you and Nic. I
never liked her anyway. Always interfering with me and Laura.'

'I still love her you know mate.' I put a sober face on, trying to
find it in myself to defend her.

'Oh I know you do. That's pretty obvious from the way you've been
acting. But, trust me, you want to forget about her. You'd be much
better off.' Wardy had changed back to dead serious now. I was a little
bit intrigued by this switch.

'I want her back though. How can I get her back?'

He shook his head. 'Don't bother mate. Honestly. Just don't bother. Go
out and find Kate. Leave Nic well alone.'

'Why? Surely I know better than you do what I want and what I don't
want.' I wasn't enjoying the conversation anymore. Things had moved
into what seemed like deep and murky territory. 'What is it that you
know?'
Alfy and Wardy looked at each other and then at me.

'She didn't tell you then?' Their faces gave nothing away. I must have
looked completely blank as well.

'I don't know. What?'
Wardy sighed. 'Nic has been fucking about as well and she's . .
.'

'WHAT!' I exploded. 'Who with? What the fuck? How do you know?' It
felt as though my head had been filled with gas: anger welled up inside
me as I tried to work out what Wardy had just said. She was fucking
around and she dumped me for doing it! The fucking slag! How dare she
fucking criticise me when she's just as bad, probably worse, with
someone else?

Nic with someone else. Slowly the gas left my head and it felt like a
vacuum: everything sucked out, nothing left. Just a vacant, empty
space. I felt the tears starting to roll down my face.