Love me, love me not: some alternative Valentine’s Day thoughts

With Nurse Phyllis Crane (Linda Bassett, Call the Midwife) and Sergeant Catherine Cawood (Sarah Lancashire, Happy Valley) flying the flag for older women, and single older women at that, on Sunday night UK television over the past few weeks I’ve been feeling the need to write some more on (positive) ageing (see You're only mid-life once | ABCtales for a recent piece on the same issue). Phyllis and Catherine are both independent women, who fight for, and show much kindness towards, others; neither is prepared to take any nonsense (‘Are you shitting me?’, as Catherine would say); nor is either of their stories preoccupied with securing a man, or a woman, or anyone, to spend their remaining years with. They are women who people should listen to, women who people do listen to. They are women who have ambitions and dreams to fulfil still. They are women who fulfil their ambitions and dreams. I know, of course, that they are fictional characters but I love them, I truly do.

There is much reference to that fact that the acting industry treats older women more cruelly than older men with fewer parts for women as they age. This feels rather foolish given the popularity of programmes such as Call the Midwife and Happy Valley. In the non-celebrity world women also oft complain that getting older leads to invisibility, especially with reference to sexual attention. Personally I’m not sure that I’ve noticed any difference. Maybe people just didn’t notice me that much before, or maybe I just didn’t notice when they did (I’m not being self-pitying here, or asking for anyone to disagree just telling it how it is for me).

Happily if one looks it’s possible to find plenty of novels, films and tv shows that do show women, including older women, as strong, capable, interesting and complex. To add to the two already mentioned above another of my favourites is Grace and Frankie, a Netflix America comedy series that ran for seven series starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin in the title roles. Although some of the focus in Grace and Frankie is on sexually intimate relationships, past and present, the women’s roles and interests outside of partnerdom and family life is also featured. One of the things I like about this show (in contrast to my other examples) is the explicit recognition that older women do have and enjoy sex, including solo sex. Grace’s arthritis leads the couple to create and successfully market a vibrator for older women which led to a rush of real world media interest in ‘sex toys for seniors’ breaking a least a couple of taboos.

It’s good to know that female masturbation isn’t the taboo, doesn’t attract the stigma, it once did. In 2016 Metro News even published a piece specifically on women’s practice of it for ‘masturbation month’ (yes there really is one) Masturbation Month: Women share why they masturbate | Metro News  Despite this masturbation in later life is still largely under researched. However, a recent study of 3816 European adults (mean age 67 years; range 60–75 years) across several countries, discovered that between 41% and 65% of men and 27% and 40% of women reported engaging in masturbation in the preceding month. The researchers found that people who believe that sex is beneficial to older people were more likely to masturbate and argued that to improve healthy sexual ageing misinformation about masturbation and sexual attitudes in older people needs to be addressed. Prevalence of Masturbation and Associated Factors Among Older Adults in Four European Countries - PMC (nih.gov)

Yet still sex with another is seen as preferable to sex on one’s own. In my own research (believe me until recently this is not something I thought I’d ever do) I’ve read in various articles/on various sites that older women who no longer have an active sexual partner, due to being widowed or divorced, or women who have a partner who is ill, can find masturbation a satisfying ‘substitute’ for sexual intercourse with another. Furthermore, it seems even as we age the warning that we should not use masturbation to ‘avoid intimacy’ remains. An odd message really given that studies suggests that masturbation is not just something that single, unpartnered people do, and that many people enjoy solo-sex whilst also in a satisfying sexually intimate relationship with another.

Clearly there are some older women more interested in the cerebral than the physical, just as there are women (of all ages) who enjoy regular solo, couple or even group sex. All of which is fine and good as long as no one else is hurt or abused. And to anyone who suggests otherwise? Well to borrow a phrase: are you shitting me?

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.