Flash Farto & the Time Sausage

Our brave and brilliant hero Flash Farto, 36 long, arrives hotfoot from the Planet MoistBurgers hotly pursued by the hotly contested runner-up in the East Kent most evil man competition, the vile spike baron, Cockylocky, 42 very long, hot everythinged. This time Flash was in real trouble.

Cockylocky was smarting hugely, partly from losing out to the loose and fat fingered milkman Colin “Nasty” Norris and partly from feeling the very same fingers later that evening during an altercation in which the trophy was stolen. Thankfully Princess Margaret was the chief judge and her regal highness was straight in there, fists flying and pants flashing for all to see, breaking up the naughty pair with a right royal one-two, finishing Norris with a left uppercut that had the Sandwich milkie seeing stars all evening.

Meanwhile, on a planet of acid-tongued, acid tripping aliens with his beautiful, headstrong and very willing consort Honey Crevice, Flash Farto meets the occupants of two crashed ships in the cave of emptiness beside the twin mounts of Oig, the cool, sleek and devastatingly beautiful Woms and the hideously ugly and frightfully crude Globbs. The Globbs whilst appearing frightfully ugly, socially crude and rather aggressive hosts, actually prove to be friendly, compassionate explorers, a bit like Essex girls. While the Woms are a group of mindless cloned blonde terrors, watched over by an angry, violent matriarch, a bit like Essex girls.

Inside the FARTOBLASTER control room, Flash consults his instruments earnestly picking the pants out of his bottom and pretending to understand the controls and maps all while Honey waits impatiently filing her nails. I mean she waits impatiently, not that she files her nails impatiently.

‘It’s no good you acting like Buck Robins, all intelligent and comprehending’ snaps Honey irritatingly. ‘You don’t know what half those controls are or what they mean’.

‘I do too, so shut your stupid trap’ replied the grumpy Flash, allowing his heroic Galactic space conqueror and all round charm king persona to slip for a moment. ‘And it’s Rogers, not Robins’.

‘Why are you even bothering to check those stupid figures? That blonde bitch said this planet was going to blow up, so let’s just leave’ snaps Honey referring to the inference of the reference that was given in deference to Flash, almost in reverence the planet is going to be destroyed in 9 days time or something equally ludicrous. Flash glared at her for a moment, before softening and shaking his head sadly.

‘We can’t just leave, Honey. We have to try to help them’ he smarmed.

Honey flashed him an evil. ‘You fancy her’.

‘Rubbish’ Flash replied, but was that a hint of a blush Honey saw as he rushed to the tool cupboard?

‘Liar!’ she blazed, opened the doors and stormed outside onto the barren, burnt world that was about to die. ‘You’ve always wanted a bit of coffee and cream’ she whispered to herself.

Flash composed himself, smoothed down his trousers as he joined Honey outside the FARTOBLASTER beneath the boiling twin suns and mildly announced that the Globbs were correct in their prediction for the end of the world in a huge and expensive s-fx explosion, but the planet has even less time left than they thought, hoping all the while that Honey would not mention him fancying Queen of the Essex slags again. They must leave immediately, for tomorrow is the last day this planet’s life before its destruction, he tells her.

Flash and Honey carefully and stealthily make their way through the Globb Centre, pursued at a distance by a Barrahboy, the chirpy, cheeky slave units of the Globbs, bobbing, weaving and ‘ello, ello darling’-ing behind them.

They enter a chamber where they discover a deactivated Barrahboy. Suddenly Honey screams and all her clothes fall off as from behind a cloudy glass partition a pair of grotesquely, evil looking eyes are looking out at them.

It is Gertrude, Queen of the Globbs and she has a stare that could melt glass, as well as make Honey’s clothes fall off against her will. The Globb tells Flash that both ships were damaged when the Woms accidentally turned the entire planet into an acid rainball in space, but whereas the Globbs’s ship is almost ready to take off again (having been repaired by their mindless, moronically simple welsh slaves, which Honey nicknames Alan’s in honour of her furry friend she is missing so badly), the Woms' is irreparable. When the planet is discovered to be on the point of disintegration, Maggie the Wom supreme mother tries to force the travellers to help her steal the Globb’s ship.

Instead, Flash allows the Globbs to draw power from the FARTOBLASTER in order to refuel and escape, leaving the Woms to their fate, despite a last minute plea where three of the best looking Woms crawl on their knees to Flash’s feet, begging for mercy and assistance, but Flash turns them away and guarantees some Honey action later.
Meanwhile Flash and Honey stumble upon a smooth, sexy Space officer called Domink Thrust, Space Police 7, trapped in the air-lock of the Woms' ship as Maggie has the air drawn out, he collapses slowly to the floor in splendidly heroic and drawn out fashion, staring his baby blues bravely and sucking in his cheeks to emphasise his strong cheekbones.

Flash forces open the airlock door with his bare hips and drags Dominik to safety with one hand, while smoothing his hair with the other before realising he is a man with long hair and not the brunette Wom he was hoping for.

Rushing back to the ship in the nick of time, the travellers relax in the FARTOBLASTER following their ordeal. They see a planet on the scanner screen and Honey wonders what is happening on it...

‘I wonder what’s happening on it’ she rambles.
Meanwhile, on a planet on the other side of the system, a man named Dennis Gravy is lying on his back on the ground in a jungle.

There is a terrifying animal screech and he wakes with a start, muttering: 'I remember, now. I must... I must kill... I must kill... I must kill.' He gets to his feet and stumbles into the jungle with just one thought in his mind, Flange. Arthur Flange, leader of the Kris Pee galaxy cluster, has vowed to turn the galaxies to ashes and their people to dust. The first planet to be conquered will be Earth. He once had a blind date with a traffic warden and it turned out to be a set of traffic lights that never kissed on a first date.

On the planet Timber, Space Security Service agent Mary Teapot is investigating a recent sighting of a Guffoid spaceship. His suspicion that the creatures may have established a base in the Kris Pee cluster proves well-founded. Flash, having learned that there are Guffoids on Timber and discovered Mary Teapot's skeleton and recorded warning message, hurries back to the FARTOBLASTER. He is stopped in his tracks when he sees that there are three Guffoids standing guard on the ship. Horrified, he whispers ‘Dominik... Honey...'. he then begins to wonder exactly what Honey is doing in the ship with Dominik and takes on the Guffoids single-handed.

Meanwhile after landing in the Kris Pee cluster homeworld of Eelpie, two companions of Teapot, Dennis Gravy and Big Sally Trombone, both fall victim to the poisonous thorns of Leicester plants - ambulatory flora indigenous to the Guffoids' home world, Stoke - and he has no choice but to shoot them stone raving dead before they are themselves transformed into Leicesters. Having snatched the cream bun heart of the Galactic Devastator from the Guffoids, Flash heads back to the Spa spaceship.

On board, however, galactic rivet inspector Bert Valve decides that he can wait no longer. Ignoring protests from Dom and Honey, he starts the take-off procedure.

Having overheard the Guffoids plotting with representatives of the six galaxies to overthrow the ruling planet earth, the miraculously revived and suddenly younger, slimmer and sexier Teapot records a warning message and prepares to send it into orbit with a rocket launcher. Before she can do so, however, she is discovered and exterminated again, just as she was about to take her first pole-dancing lesson.

Having escaped from the prison planet Hemmeroid in the Star Spa just as the Guffoids arrive, Flash asks Katy Fluffybum to check that the airlock door is secure. As she does so, the convict Jim Kirk emerges holding a knife and a pomegranate. Katy screams and Flash panics, unable to keep up with the breakneck speed of the plot and nervous of seeding fruits.

The FARTOBLASTER materialises on Timber. There Flash, Honey and Dominik again meet Space Security Service agent Bert Valve, who was never really a galactic rivet inspector at all and after wondering how he beat them there, he tells them that he has been sent in search of Mary Teapot.

Learning of the Guffoids' scheme, which hinges on the use of a weapon called the time sausage, a weapon so huge and destructive that the Galactic devastator forms only a part, they determine to warn the authorities on Earth. This proves problematic as the human leader Mavis Chuff, Ruler of the Earth, is a traitor in league with the Guffoids. Flash and his friends are confronted by Roberta Clench, who appears to be in league with Mavis Chuff.

Flash and Dom make a run for it, but Bert tries to appeal to her. Unfortunately for Bert, Clench is a chubby chaser and she casually shoots him stone dead. Summoning Borkar, she tells him that two fugitives are still at loose and must be shot on sight - 'But aim for the head.'

Flash gulps nervously. ‘The head of what?’ he wonders aloud. Flash, Dom and Honey try to escape with their jumpers pulled over their heads, but are captured alive and transported to the planet Expresso, where they escape with a chest of poisonous tea and hide in a cave from the invisible Visians and invading Guffoids.

As the Guffoids surround them, Flash concedes that the creatures have won. The travellers journey on in the guffoid remote controlled FARTOBLASTER. Realising that they never got a chance to celebrate Christmas during their recent visit to Earth, Flash produces a bottle of champagne and some glasses. He toasts Dom and Honey and then turns and wishes everyone at home a happy Christmas as well.

‘Oh dear’ whispers Honey. ‘It had to happen sooner or later’.

‘What?’ asks Dom manfully.

‘Flipped his fecking marbles, that’s what’.

Fortunately Flash Farto has managed to make off with the cream bun heart of the time sausage, disrupting the Guffoids' plans. In one of a number of attempts to regain the cream bun heart, Chuff dispatches Space Security Service agent Roberta Clench to track down Flash’s party. The travellers have escaped once more from the Guffoids.

The FARTOBLASTER arrives at their next destination and, checking the controls, Flash discovers that the atmosphere outside is completely poisonous. Escaping from New Year revellers at Trafalgar Square in London, the FARTOBLASTER moves on again. The Guffoids despatch a ship in pursuit. They are confident that they will conquer the universe.

The FARTOBLASTER has arrived in ancient Mesopotamia and materialised inside a tomb. Dom and Honey return to the ship to find the lid of a nearby sarcophagus moving. From inside, a bandaged hand emerges. It is the living remains of the Super Monk of olde Thebes Town, suddenly revived by the temporal ripples from the time sausage and seeing Honey first when emerging from the tomb, believes her to be his mother. BUT the Super Monk is not all he appears to be, he is in fact an ambassador from the Rolecks, the time travelling peacemakers of the galaxy and the tomb is in fact his timeship.

Flash fits within the FARTOBLASTER control console a directional circuit stolen from the Guffoids timeship. He warns Dom and Honey that its operation will be very dangerous. Nevertheless, he comes to a decision and activates the controls.

Suddenly a bright light explodes from the console. Thrown through space and time and discovering themselves miraculously back on Timber, Dom and Honey are captured by Mavis Chuff and marched at gun-point into the Guffoid base, but Clench has travelled independently aboard the USS Carryonmatron.

Clench was unaware of Chuff's treachery when she killed Bert Valve, her own father, before the travellers can convince her of the truth. She then joins forces with them and, after an encounter with their old adversary Cockylocky, they all arrive back on Timber.

There, Flash contrives to steal the time sausage and turn it against the Guffoids, annihilating them. Clench though has ignored his instruction to return to the FARTOBLASTER, however, and she too is killed in an orgy of nerve-shredding terror, blood and underwear.

With the Guffoids destroyed and Clench dead, Flash and Dom return to the FARTOBLASTER, where they discover an unconscious Honey in a tiny bikini and leave the planet Timber on autopilot.