Odour Eaters

Archie got up late as usual, and looked around the room. What a mess he thought, why do I do this to myself he thought reaching over to the bedside cabinet and fumbling for the half smoked spliff from the late hours of that morning. He had been sitting smoking it when the birds had started to sing and the distinct light of dawn had begun to shine through the thin orange curtains of the student bedroom he occupied on the ground floor of the 1920’s terrace house. He had that feeling, at the time he stubbed out the half a spliff that he had hit it too hard yet again and left the spiff in the ashtray and gone to sleep, what seemed like two minutes later he had heard the post come through the letterbox of the front door in his bedroom, which was not used for any other purpose other than to stir him from stupor and remind him to slow down. An hour later he heard his housemates leave for University, he hadn’t attended more than three lectures that academic year and the exams were six weeks away.

He finished the spliff and got out of bed, he was still in his thousand yard stare t-shirt and baggy jeans from the night before. He wandered into the kitchen at the back of the house and made a cup of tea.

Sitting in the lounge, drinking his tea and watching the Ren and Stimpy video that he had got half was through the previous night, he remembered that this afternoon was when he had arranged to meet Alison in the library to photocopy a years worth of notes she had taken. Alison was fond of Archie and had agreed to let him use her notes for revision a couple of weeks ago, he was thankful for this, she was, as were most girls on his course, very good at attending and taking comprehensive notes at lectures, not to mention she was stunning. The problem was he just wasn’t looking forward to spending God knows how much on photocopying in the University library for the whole afternoon. That was when he remembered the acid tab. That would make the afternoon more interesting, but it was strong stuff, maybe he should just take half. He got out his wallet and looked at the tiny stamp in it’s baggy, OK screw it, he opened the bag and placed the tab on his tongue, after a few seconds of moistening it in his mouth, he swallowed the tab with the last of his luke warm tea. Oh dear, what have I done the thought to himself and started to giggle. Giggling to himself and comfortably ensconced, he settled down to Ren and Stimpy in the comfy swivel armchair in front of the TV.

After about forty minutes he rolled another couple of joints and went to get ready for his marathon copying session. He couldn’t find his black shoes, eventually he found the Doctor Martins in the kitchen on a stool. He picked them up and sat down to put them on, the hole in his left sock allowed his big toe to come into contact with something soft and mushy, tucked away in the bottom of the black shoe was a prawn sandwich. “What the?” he grimaced, pulling out the sandwich. Looking at it, he noticed it was still in pretty good condition, the lettuce hadn’t even wilted that much. Sniffing it, he ventured a nibble of the sandwich, it tasted OK, so he ate it with relish. Not bad, he thought and got up to leave for the Uni library.

On the way to the library he smoked another joint, not enjoying it as much as usual, he was feeling a little bit queasy. He got to university and met up with Alison in the library, she was lively and bright, smiling and brushing her blonde hair from her face as she fed the A4 sheets of notes into the photocopier. Archie however wasn’t listening to what she was saying as he was feeling distinctly unwell. He suppressed a belch as she looked up to him to enquire his view on what she had just said. He smiled and agreed with her, which seemed to please her and she carried on. Archie looked around the library which was taking on a very bizarre appearance, the books on the endless shelves seemed to bare down on him, taunting him with their combined knowledge. He looked back to Alison who was still talking about what, he did not know. His stomach gurgled and lurched, another belch propelled a tiny bit of sick into his mouth, he swallowed it and smiled at Alison, this wasn’t good, he thought to himself.

He put his hand to his stomach as if to control the internal violence of his guts, when it happened. In one huge hurl of sputum, vomit arched through the air onto Alison’s face and into her hair. For a split second she looked at him uncertain and stunned, then she opened her mouth to scream. The timing couldn’t of been worse, before the scream could leave her mouth he hurled another mass of vomit at her, hitting her squarely in her open mouth. She spluttered and spat it onto the library floor then looked at him with a determinedly bitter expression, as though she was about to punch him to the ground, then she turned and ran to the toilets not stopping to pick up her notes. Archie looked around gingerly as the vomit dripped off the photocopier, a few students had accumulated to watch the scene from the library, they were pointing and laughing at the half coated Archie. With as much dignity as he could muster he picked up his bag and walked quickly out of the library.

Out in the street his mind whirred wildly, not quite grasping what had just happened, he must get home, he thought. He sometimes walked sometimes ran home only stopping behind a roadside tree to dispel the last of the contents of his stomach. Slam went the back door of his student digs, safe at last he thought, Jesus what had just happened, his mind ran over the events, his self disbelief overwhelmed him while he paced backward and forwards in the kitchen. He lit the second spliff, he had rolled that morning, and sat in the swivel armchair. After another spliff he calmed down sufficiently to find the fiasco a little bit amusing, his mind wandered as to what was happening right now at University, what was Alison doing? He dozed off exhausted.

Suddenly he woke to the back door slamming and the sound of his two housemates Andrew and Lee laughing and shouting.
“Sick boy, sick boy, are you here sick boy?” Shouted Lee, stumbling through the kitchen door. Andrew staggered in behind him laughing at the sight of Archie half awake in the swivel chair.
“Mate, mate, what have you been up to?” Giggled Lee.
“You look a state.” Said Andrew looking at the half frazzled and bedraggled Archie.
They sat down on the sofa on the other side of the room still laughing at the sight of Archie, who was trying to force a smile at them, as though it was all in hand. After a couple of minutes, the two house mates had calmed down enough and stop taunting Archie and to actually listen to what had really happened. Just as Archie was beginning to relay the story Andrew pointed at Archie’s feet and said “ why are you wearing my shoes?” Archie in mid sentence stopped, and looked at the DM’s, then he realised that the weren’t his shoes at all and looked back up to Andrew.
“Come on mate, you didn’t get sick on my shoes did you?” said Andrew grimacing.
Archie bent down to take off the shoes, unlacing them, he gave them a quick wipe on his T-shirt before passing them back to Andrew. Andrew took them one by one and inspected them.
“You’re going to clean these Archie.” He said, then he stopped looking inside first one and then the other.
“Where has the odour eater gone from my left shoe.” He exclaimed.
Archie sat for a second and thought. “Odour eater?” he said hesitantly.
“Yes one of the odour eaters is missing” said Andrew.
Archie thought for a moment and decided that it was best to plead ignorance, “I didn’t see an odour eater” he replied.
Meanwhile Lee was smiling and rolling a spliff and started explaining to Archie what had happened at Uni after Archie had left. Apparently Alison had been swamped by a gaggle of girls in the toilet, all helping her to clean up while vilifying Archie, the loser who had just embarrassed her beyond social acceptability. After half an hour of this Alison and her friends had resolved to make Archie’s life hell from now on. Lee smiled as he retold the story.

“You’re out of friends, mate.” Said Andrew.
“There is no way anyone on your course is going to lend you their notes, now” added Lee.
“Yes, your screwed, mate”
Andrew and Lee were on different courses to Archie and at that point it dawned on Archie that they were probably right. Alison was a popular with a lot of the blokes on his course who fancied her and couldn’t understand why she liked a loser like Archie. Most of the girls already thought Archie was a creep and this had just vindicated their view. The mood in the room stultified as the three of them sat smoking. Andrew and Lee occasionally giggling as they passed round the joint.

That evening Archie lay in bed thinking, odour eater? Jesus, I ate an odour eater. In the lounge Andrew and Lee were laughing at their gag, earlier that morning while Archie was still asleep, they had decided that due to Archie’s previous nights incessant talking about how he and Alison were going to spend the afternoon together, that they were going to hide Archie’s black shoes and put Andrew’s similar ones on display where Archie would find them. Knowing Archie’s preponderance for addling his own mind, they had put a prawn sandwich in the toe of one of the shoes laced with Andrew’s dad’s medicine to invoke vomiting.

Archie lay in bed and wondered what he was going to do, no-one would lend him their notes, he was a laughing stock and no-one would talk to him, he was finished. There was no way he could pass the exams. That is when he decided, he got up and packed his things, first thing in the morning he walked to the train station and got on the train home to his Mum and Dad’s. Later that morning Alison was waiting at University for Archie to arrive, the previous day she had run to the toilet and cleaned herself up. When she left the toilet the caretaker was cleaning the photocopier, there was nobody else around. She had asked him where the boy was that had been sick, he didn’t know. She picked up her things and went back to the common room, many of the students on her course were there, a few of them asked how it had gone, she smiled and replied that it had gone well. Then she sat down and they talked with them about their exams and what they were doing that weekend. As she sat, she occasionally smiled to herself about what had just happened, she had already forgiven him.

On the train Archie sat looking at the countryside flying by, thank God, he thought for Lee and Andrew, if he had gone in he would have been a laughing stock of the University and for what he would have never of passed. This way he would go home and explain to his mum and dad that he didn’t want to finish his degree, they would understand, and he would find something to do maybe work in his Dads shoe shop…….blinking heck, he had eaten an odour eater, what an idiot.