Egg

I knew from an early age that my life would never be easy, but the last couple of months have definitely been the worst.

You see, although my name IS Humpty Dumpty, and I AM a giant egg, there is absolutely no connection between me and that ridiculous children’s nursery rhyme!

I’ve never asked for much out of life; just to be able to sit on a wall without getting a load of abuse would be nice:
“Make sure you don’t fall off Humpty, HAHAHA!”

Hilarious, I’ve never heard that one before!

It does hurt but you just learn to live with it.

When I asked my Mum, “Why Humpty Dumpty?” she just said that life can be hard for an egg growing up, and she wanted to give me every possible chance that she could. She meant well I suppose, and it does give me a bit of work at Easter.

But, a few months ago, my real problems began!

A new family moved in next door, and made my life a misery.

The abuse started almost immediately:
Omelette head;
Yolky;
you’re going to get your f...ing egg kicked in!

Then the situation took a much more sinister turn...

I came out one morning, and someone had left a frying pan on the door step!
The note stuck to it said, ‘I like mine fried!’

I tried speaking to the police but they just didn’t care!
I even spotted one of the officers laughing as he got back in his Police car.
The whole situation became so depressing that I even thought about ending it all.
The police sent social workers round, offering me counselling and stuff, but what was the point?
I was a prisoner in my own home, and nothing was going to change that.

One cold December morning, I packed my things and left.

I have now changed my name to Alan, and am living at an isolated location on the Isle of Man.

I am in the process of trying to get my life back on track, now having a lot of new projects in the pipeline; one of which is to start a charity, giving the support that vulnerable giant talking eggs really need.

This was my story...

My name is Alan,

and I am an egg.