Up for Sale : Conclusion

 

COLIN : Hello everybody, just popped out for my Nesquik. So, Mr. And Mrs. Holbrook, what can I do for you?

MRS. HOLBROOK : We said yesterday we might be interested in this property ‘The Meadows’.

COLIN : Oh yes, a fine property for the discerning buyer.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, that’s us.

MR. HOLBROOK : Wait a minute, Briony, we said we’d ask about a different one to that.

MRS. HOLBROOK : No we did not. If we did I’ve changed my mind. I want something that reflects the sort of people we are, Wallis. You can’t expect a prince to live in a rabbit hutch.

MR. HOLBROOK : And the price?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Very suitable, Wallis............ well within our means, a snip at half a million.

MR. HOLBROOK : But, Briony, our present home isn’t worth that much.

MRS. HOLBROOK : No, but there are mortgage extensions, Wallis.

MR. HOLBROOK : Extensions, we’d need positive growth.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh men, eh, Colin, what do they know?

COLIN : What indeed, Mrs. Holbrook.

MRS. HOLBROOK : When can we view the property, Colin?

COLIN : This afternoon at two o’ clock. Is that alright?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, that will be fine, eh, Wallis. I can’t wait to see a house that finally sounds suitable.

MR. HOLBROOK : That finally sounds bankrupt.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh he will have his little joke, Colin. You’ll see we are just the sort of buyer that will suit that kind of house.

COLIN : Not many have your class, Mrs. Holbrook.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh, Colin............. (addressing Wallis) Such a sweet man, Wallis, we could trust him with our lives.

(Change of scene : Mr. Wentworth’s office)

PENNY : Can’t we at least look at ‘The Meadows’, Mr. Wentworth? I’m just curious to see inside.

MR. WENTWORTH : What’s the point I’m not buying it?

PENNY : I can dream, can’t I? Nobody has looked so far. It will be empty.

MR. WENTWORTH : The owners have left some furniture, haven’t they?

PENNY : Yes. Anything they didn’t want they just left, including a double bed. Couldn’t be bothered even to sell it. More money than sense.

MR. WENTWORTH : Well, I’ve got more sense than money and I’m afraid, Penny, it’s too expensive.

PENNY : Alright you won’t buy it but we could still look.

MR. WENTWORTH : Okay I’ll think about it. We could do the inventory, instead of Colin.

(Colin knocks and enters the office)

MR. WENTWORTH : What is it, Colin, we are busy.

COLIN : I wanted to have the keys to Cavendish Mews. My mother has her knitting circle tomorrow, so tonight would be best.

PENNY : Don’t you go to the knitting circle, Colin?

COLIN : No, I’m sewing and embroidery on Friday nights.

PENNY : Oh that’s right. I knew it was something interesting you did, Colin.

COLIN : Are you interested, Penny?

PENNY : Me? I couldn’t fit it in.

COLIN : No, you have such a full life, don’t you, Penny?  All those friends.

PENNY : Friends, Colin? I don’t have that many friends.

MR. WENTWORTH : What friends are these, Penny?

PENNY : I don’t know what Colin means, Mr. Wentworth, I’m busy washing my hair or doing keep-fit classes, that’s all.

MR. WENTWORTH : If that’s all, Colin

COLIN : Yes, Mr. Wentworth, thank you, Mr. Wentworth. Sam and Jeff are out here. They want some new knobs. The old ones are bust.

MR. WENTWORTH : The Marwood House property I suppose, where the Holbrooks met with an accident.

COLIN : Yes.

MR. WENTWORTH : I still think we could claim for damages to that property.

COLIN : I don’t think so, Mr. Wentworth, Mrs. Holbrook did think of suing the agency.

MR. WENTWORTH : That woman. We won’t even think of claiming then. She’s the wrong sort to get on the wrong side of.

COLIN  : Exactly. I think we should let sleeping dogs lie.

(Colin leaves office. Sam and Jeff enter)

SAM AND JEFF : Knobs.

MR. WENTWORTH : Alright, chaps, I’ll get some from the wholesaler tomorrow. Come in tomorrow afternoon, and you can go and fit them then. Is there any damage to the staircase after this episode with the Holbrooks?

SAM : No, but  I think maybe some of the risers need replacing anyway.

MR. WENTWORTH : Can you see to it? You are competent fellows and remember whistle while you work.  It makes everything seem happy.

JEFF : Happy, Mr. Wentworth?

MR. WENTWORTH : Yes, happy, Jeff. Think of all you have going for you: those lovely houses down by the docks for instance. What more could you want?

JEFF : They are old, Mr. Wentworth.

MR. WENTWORTH : Rubbish, they’ll last for years.

PENNY : But, Mr. Wentworth, you know what I said before.......

MR. WENTWORTH : That’s enough, Penny. See you chaps again, come in tomorrow for your knobs. I’ve got some new knockers too for some of the tenanted properties.

(Sam and Jeff leave the office)

PENNY : I didn’t know Jeff was in one of those houses earmarked for demolition

MR. WENTWORTH : Oh he’ll find somewhere else, it doesn’t matter. What matters is I get the right compensation for losing the property.

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth, I suppose you are right.

MR. WENTWORTH : I am very rarely wrong, Penny, believe me. Come here, I can’t resist you.

PENNY : Oh, Mr. Wentworth. We need more space, more time, more comfort.

MR. WENTWORTH : Dont worry, Penny, we’ll find it. Come along with me, we’re going out.

(Change of scene :  The street known as ‘The Meadows’)

(Mr. And Mrs. Holbrook draw up in their car outside the house which is for sale. An elderly couple are in the garden next door)

MRS. HOLBROOK : I’m made for this street, Wallis. Can’t you just feel the class, and look, the neighbours are in the garden. Let’s talk to them, Wallis and see what they are like.

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, dear.

(Mr. And Mrs. Holbrook get out of the car and Mrs. Holbrook sails up the drive to the house to be viewed)

MRS. HOLBROOK : So nice to see you......... (said to people in the garden next door) (The people look at her stony-faced, saying nothing)

Charmed I’m sure (In affected tones)

(The neighbours go indoors looking snooty)

Did you see that, Wallis? They ignored me. What sort of people are they?

MR.HOLBROOK : They are snobs, Briony. I told you this was beyond our reach. These people think they are too good to talk to mere commoners like us.

MRS. HOLBROOK : You speak for yourself. Maybe they need glasses.

MR. HOLBROOK : I don’t think they have missed you, Briony.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well, we’ve found out nothing from them about this road, or maybe we have. They are so select they need time to accept us. Don’t you think that’s that what it is, Wallis. They are no better than you or I,Wallis.

MR. HOLBROOK : No, dear, but I don’t like them.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Rubbish, Wallis, they are probably socialites buzzing around some exalted honey-pot.

MR. HOLBROOK : The W.I.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well maybe. I’ve made a lot of suitable contacts through the Women’s Institute. Have you got the keys to our own little manse?

MR. HOLBROOK : It’s no good, Briony, it’s not ours and I don’t think it ever will be.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Just open up.

MR. HOLBROOK : That’s funny, it’s already open.

MRS. HOLBROOK : A house like this. Oh my God, Wallis, maybe it has been burgled. Colin said there were things left here from the previous owners

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, but he only meant furniture.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well if it is expensive stuff maybe they have taken that.

MR. HOLBROOK : I doubt it, Briony. It’s probably just a case of the last people to view not being very careful about locking up afterwards.

MRS. HOLBROOK : I hope so, Wallis. After our experiences in the last property I don’t want anything happening here. Look, if there are burglars in there we could be attacked.

MR. HOLBROOK : Victims, Briony?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, victims of crime, Wallis.

MR. HOLBROOK : Let’s not bother going in. I don’t want to see  it, Briony. I don’t like the neighbours. If anything did happen to us here they probably wouldn’t even ring for help.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Rubbish, Wallis, I’m sure they are very classy people, only too willing to help if necessary.

MR. HOLBROOK : Such faith.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Yes, Wallis, stop complaining. You’re not afraid are you?

MR. HOLBROOK : Me afraid, of course not.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Good, I’m not afraid either, Wallis.

MR.HOLBROOK :  Then why are you shaking?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Don’t be ridiculous, Wallis, you are imagining it. Come in and shut the door quietly. Nothing is out of place, Wallis, I’m sure nothing is wrong.

MR. HOLBROOK : No, I think you are right.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Look how spacious it is. Think of the entertaining we could do here.

MR. HOLBROOK : Entertaining? We don’t entertain.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well we could start. With a house like this you would get on in the firm.

MR. HOLBROOK : It’s probably a bigger house than the managing director has.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Don’t be silly, Wallis, it’s quite modest in size....... only five bedrooms and three reception rooms.

MR. HOLBROOK : That’s not modest.

MRS. HOLBROOK : For people of means it is modest.

MR. HOLBROOK : Look, Briony, this place would simply be the means to the bankruptcy courts.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Now you are being stupid, Wallis. I don’t want to hear that.

MR. HOLBROOK : No, you don’t want to hear the truth.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Look in here, Wallis, there’s a study.

MR. HOLBROOK : I don’t study anything.

MRS. HOLBROOK : You have reports to look at sometimes.

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, but I don’t need a study to look at them in.

(They hear a noise from upstairs)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Did you hear that, Wallis? I heard something.

MR. HOLBROOK : I did too. Shall we go?

MRS. HOLBRROK : No, investigate. It’s from one of the bedrooms. It was like a girl giggling.

MR. HOLBROOK : Yes, I thought that.

( They mount the stairs silently. They stop outside the master bedroom, listening at the door)

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well I recognize those voices, don’t you, Wallis? It’s the same man that admired my buns last week.

MR. HOLBROOK : Looks like he’s admiring something else this week........... or maybe not.

MRS. HOLBROOK : It’s Wentworth that scummy bastard and that cheap slut Penny.

MR. HOLBROOK : Shall we unmask them?

MRS. HOLBROOK : No, I’ve got a better plan.

MR. HOLBROOK : What?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Blackmail. We’ll use this information, Wallis, to get the house we want at the price we want, this house. You and I, Wallis, are going to be lords of the manor at last.

 

(The End)