Joy and Sorrow Clarity

Celeste wanted to lay the blame squarely on Farrah Thrushman, Karen's drug dealer, who was sitting pretty in her own living room giving interviews to the gossip talk shows, showing off her ankle monitor as if it was an engagement ring.

" I may be getting a book deal here shortly, to tell my side of what happened," Farrah said, playing with her gum.

Celeste was tempted to visit Farrah Thrushman, but thought better of it. There was no way she would be able to control herself around a monster like that. She realized right at that moment,that only a few tiny threads of sanity separated her from the combative bag lady at the mall who argued with her other personalities.

" Let's turn this garbage off, and go listen to jazz with our friends, " Shi -Phen pleaded, standing in front of the TV.

" She only thinks she is getting away with murder, honey. "

Their were hours of tapes of Farrah and Karen chatting about her husband's murder.

A knife pierced her heart that politicians Joel counted as colleagues had a hand in this. But Karen's betrayal felt like someone burning her with a cigarette from the inside.Karen had been Celeste's nurse when she fell prey to a heart attack in 1992,somehow created healthy casseroles that did not taste like dirt.

" A heart attack felt differently than you would think," Celeste recalled.

There had no theatrical clutching of the heart like in the movies.Then again, usually they showed men having heart attacks.Maybe it was based on the male/ female genre, or it was another one of those things based on individual experience. She remembered a crushing headache, like she had at the beginning of both pregnancies. Also her jaw and arm felt numb.

The whole business probably bordered on the ridiculous to the casual viewer. But Celeste craved to know the truth from Karen's lips, no matter how sordid the story." Most important ," Celeste sucked in a breath, was ' the why ',behind the wall of blatant stupidity that plagued this situation.

What had triggered the death of Joel, her beloved ? The man with whom she had shared a bed and knitted together a child ? Only to have Joel snatched away because somewhere in a darkened hallway, his number was drawn up ,partially by the hand of a blood relative ?

" Not in any altered state could I kill Tony , Celeste shook her head, shuddering at the thought.

Although, as an adolescent , she might have threatened that very thing when her older brother destroyed Celeste's " Shocking Blue " album and then snickered about it.

Had Karen survived, even a fifth rate lawyer could manage to convince a jury she was insane. Karen would have spent the rest of her days sober, under the watchful eyes of professionals ,working to find the cure to quell the demons that imprisoned the soul and poisoned her mind.

" Maybe , " Celeste thought, she would have learned to play bocce and take a computer course as her ex husband had done. At that moment, Celeste recalled the gunshot hitting its intended target that fateful afternoon in 1997. Watching her husband's life ebb away on concrete, drenched in his blood.

Ice crystals formed around the edges of her heart, when this injurious recollection came to call. Shi - Phen , her lover and her friends were right.

" These negative recollections will be waiting for me tomorrow morning, " Celeste sighed, clinging to the railing so as to prevent a fall. One had to be excessively diligent when her nerves were shredded down to bare.No need to add a double dose of drama to this bummer of a day.

Tuba music could be heard as she and Shi - Phen ambled down the street. She ached for night to come so this nightmarish day would end.