Vegan Rocket Punch Doomsday

When I was a kid, my psycho neighbor persuaded me to join his Tae Kwon Do
club. I was a bit hesitant at first, because a martial arts style
that’s almost exclusively focused on kicks seemed needlessly
limited to me–unless you’re the odd variety of paraplegic. Have you ever been in a
situation where you didn’t know what to do with your hands? I’ll
tell you this; you don’t want that situation to be a fight! Anyway,
the guy assured me that Tae Kwon Do was the way to go, and he was a
known wife-beater, so I reckoned he knew a thing or two about fucking
people up. Can’t hit women, right? So join a Tae Kwon Do club and
learn to kick the shit out of ’em!

A few months later, I was ready for my first belt graduation ceremony.
The club went all out for this one and even hired a fuck-old, Asian
dude to pretend he was a grand master from South Korea that couldn’t
speak our language. It was quite the spectacle for a tiny club
operating out of the local elementary school’s gym. I was there for
my yellow belt, which is basically a giveaway, but they don’t tell
you that. Your alcoholic grandma could have made yellow belt just by
pissing her diaper and rolling around on the floor! That’s how they
get you hooked on the belt hype and milk you for money. My neighbor
was already a red belt and was up for his first black stripe, and
holy-jumping-fucking-shit was he serious about it!

Many wooden boards were sacrificed at the altar of manhood that day. Being
a white belt, I was one of the first to have a go at it. I smashed
clean through my board and strutted around feeling like a total
badass, but then King Cunt the Wife-Beater stepped up and fucking
obliterated his board! The chunk that used to fill the fist-sized
bullet hole in the middle flew across the room and hit a nerd in the
face, and then the rest of the board surrendered to his power and
crumbled into four more pieces! His poor wife, right? If he punched
like a howitzer, I bet he’d kick a speeding train off the tracks!
The red belt sure makes you think, doesn’t it? He must have had
closets filled with formerly white suits to go with the skeletons.

I was starstruck like a toddler in Disneyland after witnessing that
punch. This fucking guy just became my new role model. Not for the
wife-beating, mind you. I wasn’t married, I was twelve. He
recruited other kids from the neighborhood as well, including a
friend of mine, and we all witnessed the extraordinary spectacle. We
begged him to teach us the “rocket punch,” and he was nice enough
to invite us down to his workout space in the basement for a few
lessons. He had heavy bags, mats, weights, the whole nine yards.
Everything a woman-hating psychopath could possibly need to hone his
horrible craft.

After a few quick pointers, I went at the heavy bag like it stole my lunch,
and just as I threw in a kick combo, I farted loudly. I blame my
mom’s cooking for that one. It was rotten as hell, so I wrinkled my
nose and tried to play it off like I was suffering as much as the
rest. That’s when King Cunt dropped some real wisdom on me. He told
me to stop pretending that I didn’t like it, because everyone loves
the smell of their own farts. “You’ve gotta be shittin’ me,”
I said. Alas, he was not. I was too young and embarrassed to admit it
back then, but–as it turns out–we do. We all love the smell of our own farts. All of
this, everything you’ve read so far, it’s all been leading up to
making that simple point. This story is not about Tae Kwon Do, it’s
all about farts, and you should have known!

I’ve recently gone vegan, which makes me fart a lot. All those vegetables
may be healthy, but they also make me gassy. I used to fart all the
time back when I lived on coke and pizza. I’d have friends over and
we’d sit flat on the floor and blow one out just to make the
chandelier jingle in the apartment below. Since then I’ve
reluctantly taken the shape of a grownup and adapted my diet
accordingly. I’ve been on a well-balanced diet for more than a
decade now, and somewhere along the way I stopped farting regularly.
I’d let a belch rip at the drop of a hat, but farts were
mysteriously rare. Now that I’m on a purely plant-based diet, I’ve
started stinking up the place something awful. This would suggest
that people who fart are healthier than people who don’t. In fact,
I’ve heard it said that rotten farts are a sign of good health! So,
next time you’re on a date… let one go in the spirit of romance!
A potential mate would be able to tell whether or not you’re
healthy and fit for procreation. Just think about it, the first thing
dogs do is smell each other’s butts, and when you go to the doctor,
they always wanna check your asshole for something. If you can’t
trust doctors and dogs, who can you trust?

The shameful, hidden secret of the bodybuilding community is that they
all fart a lot. These are the healthiest people in the world, and
they stink it up like a goddamn cattle ranch! Here we are, blaming
livestock for greenhouse gasses while worshiping at the altar of
health and fitness, completely ignoring the mad rabble of muscled
goons who are the root of the problem! Just one of these colossal
freaks consume enough calories on a daily basis to fatten up a bear
for winter! The planet’s going straight to hell in a hand-basket,
and it’s happening increasingly fast, because every year there’s
a million more flatulent fucks flexing their abs on YouTube! As if
that wasn’t bad enough, people are eating plastic rice and shitting
ping pong balls because the world is running out of real food! So
fart yourself awake and fucking pay attention! These are the end
times!

There’s so much fart in our atmosphere, it’s causing the ocean to heat up
and become acidic, killing the coral reefs all around the world at an
alarming rate! Governments have issued health warnings about eating
too much fish because they’re sponging up mercury from polluted
seawater! The pharmaceutical industry makes more money off
antibiotics for animals than people because the mistreatment of
livestock makes them sick! Animal products are filled with pus and
antibiotics, making people sick while building up a resistance to the
cure! To top it all off, we’re eating genetically engineered
vegetables saturated with poisonous chemicals… and we wonder why
people get cancer? Are we seeing a systematic problem yet? People are
stupid. That’s a statement everyone agrees with, even dumb people,
so don’t think you’re smart just because you agree. If you find
yourself offended by that, you know which category you belong to, and
you can shut the fuck up and keep your opinions to yourself! I dare
say outrageous shit like that because I’ve got nothing left to lose
after giving up meat, so I ain’t afraid of you! I’m a badass
vegan! I eat a bowl of rice every morning! That’s right, I eat Kung
Fu for breakfast, and I’ll ring your bell like King Cunt on a
Friday night with a goddamn rocket punch! You’ll learn to fear the
smell of my farts, carnivores!

On the bright side, there’s an asteroid coming to end all our misery
in 2037, according to NASA. That is, if there’s anyone left alive
by then. With President Donald J. Trump pissing on Putin's bitches,
anything could happen! There’s no need to cry about it, really…
we’ve had it coming for a while now. Quite literally, actually, if
you factor in the astrophysics. My point is; humanity is overdue for
an apocalypse! Light the fire and let it burn! Maybe we die! No
follow-up. Take comfort in that. I know I do, and your granny does
too!