The Key: Theory One

                “So here’s what I think is gonna happen. We go to the hotel but we don’t say that we found the key, instead we just go straight for the room. Naturally we knock on the door but there’s no immediate answer so we just assume we can safely enter. But we open the door and right there on the bed is going to be some sort of celebrity, I’m thinking some sort of politician would be best for this, and they’re lying naked on the bed and they are just ravishing the body of a dead sheep.

                “I imagine there is just toys and lubes and condoms scattered across the room as if this has been happening for the past few hours. And there’s blood all on the sheets and this person and they are covered in all manner of bodily fluids.

                “So when we walk in initially we see this and we’re a little bit freaked out so we take a step back and thusly they don’t notice that we’ve entered. And we now know that they definitely won’t hear us because they have headphones on, and through the grunting you can vaguely here barnyard noises coming from the headphones.

                “Since this is a strange enough situation we start to look around the room to try and make some sense of all this and that’s when we notice that there are hoof prints all along the walls and the carpet. So this means that the sheep was alive when it arrived and has died at some point during its stay in this room. And we open the door into the bathroom and the bath is just filled with muddy water so it’s obvious that this person cleaned the sheep after bringing it back. And we think it’s possible that they may have drowned it but then again the sheep’s body doesn’t look like it died from drowning. Basically what I’m saying is that the sheep died from an unknown circumstance.

                “Now we make a decision. Do we leave or do we make ourselves known? The best answer is probably to leave but it’s a little too late for that because just as we turn around to go back out the door there is shouting from the room and it’s the sheep molester. And they just start roaring at us like, who are you and what are you doing here. And we’re like, what are we doing here? What are you doing here? It’s only now that they notice the compromising situation and they start getting all shy. And they realise that they can’t let us leave after what we’ve just seen.

                “So we stay in the room for a minute while they’re trying to explain what is going on and why there is a dead sheep that was being absolute demolished by this person. But during their speech the smell of sweat and rotting flesh is just getting worse so we have to leave. But given our generosity we agree to meet with the politician for lunch so we can discuss how the information can be handled.

                “Fast forward to the next day and we’re in like this really fancy restaurant. I’m talking about five stars, suit and tie kind of place and because of our position we can get anything we want on the menu. So naturally we all order lamb. At first we think it’s funny then we realise it’s just a cooked version of the animal from last night so who knows if the politician has already gotten to it before it made it to the restaurant.

                “So discussions begin and after a while we agree to keep everything a secret. But we have to help them get into political power and once they do we are all owed one no questions asked political favour. So we get speeding tickets or get arrested or just don’t want to pay taxes for a month or something we can do that.

                “Now skip ahead like a year or something like that. It’s the next elections and our politician wins so we’re all happy. So we try to call them and give our congratulations but there’s no answer. At first we think, okay they just won an election, they’re in government they probably have to do a lot of work so they’re busy now. We call the next week. Maybe they got a new phone or something. You know politicians have to be kind of careful with who they’re being contacted by. So then we send a letter and this time we know for a fact that they are receiving it.

                “But even with the letter there is no reply. So we send more letters and this time we start hinting that if we lose contact with them then we may let out their secret. One month passes and boom! One of us dies. Hit and run. At first we think it’s just an unfortunate accident but then we discover that the person responsible wasn’t found. It seems suspicious but we quickly give it up because we think it’s just one of those things. But one week later and bam! Another one of us dies. Walking through a park and a lose tree branch breaks off and falls on us. No witness’, it’s all just assumed to be a natural disaster but the two of us that are left have different ideas.

                “The only logical explanation is that the politician we helped is killing us off so that the secret is never revealed. So we go straight to the government offices and we talk to the politician. We’re all like, we demand answers but they just play dumb. Assassin? What assassin? But then we find a note on the car from the politician saying he’ll meet with us about what’s happening. Unfortunately he chooses the meeting place to be none other than the hotel room where we caught him.

                “So we knock on the door of room 701 and a large man with a gun answers. Obviously it’s the assassin and they’re going to finish the job. Whoever is alive with me runs and the assassin goes in chase. But I stay because I see the politician is in the room. I tell him to stop the murders but he doesn’t want to. So then I think and remember that he owes us the political favour. I remind him of the fact and he begrudgingly agrees not to kill me for now.

                “So now I’m the last one alive and this is about two years from now. So the moral of the story is that we do not just barge into the room of whoever owns this key. And if you’re wondering how the key got there in the first place. The politician lost it on the way back from the farm while struggling to drag the goat along with them.”