Big Brother - June 26 2002

It is 6.19am. I have been awake for exactly four minutes. My head is
heavy like I have been out on the tiles. I have had about five hours
sleep last night. I went to bed about 11.30 pm and lay there thinking.
It was hot, so I slept on top of the covers until 4 am this morning.
Then I got inside the covers. Both cats are lying stretched out at the
foot of my bed. It is too hot. I feed them then make a coffee and have
a ciggie. I look at my diary sets and realise that I have dated two
with the same date, so I change them. It takes me until 6.25 before I
can actually start typing here.

I dreamt of something, I can't remember the full dream, but someone
gave me a new tablet pc and said that someone else had been using it. I
launch Word. I look at the printer which is attached to a wireless
cable which I take out of its holder. The printer starts up and I
cannot turn it off. I am standing at the water's edge with the tablet
pc wondering if it will float. I find out that ... is pregnant and I
wake up.

Yesterday. I got up earlier and made it into the office on time. Two
people have now "left" following a purge on bad timekeeping. I sit at
my desk and continue working on the reports I have been assigned to
complete. I am a programmer so this should be easy, but it isn't. I run
the report for over an hour and then give up. I then have to take a PC
with me to another site and use that to copy over a huge file, because
if we use the network nobody can use the internet as it is too
slow.

At lunchtime I have left it too late to get a panini they have sold
out, so I get a microwaved sausage sandwich and toast, which I eat half
of and throw the rest away as it tastes like s___ I am wondering if I
will be sick later but it is only my imagination.

The afternoon passes in chunks, one moment it is half past two, the
next twenty to four and then its five pm.I stay a bit to add some
comments on the threads. I have set one for ... because I like the
story.

I get the train home. On the train I read another Wyndham story which I
quite like, it is not that funny but it is well written. Once I have
got in I feed the cats again and do the washing up. The I go online.
When I go online I open about ten programmes and have them running. I
run Outlook, IE 5, Netscape, MSN and a few other programmes.

I check my email. I send emails to a couple of people. and read some
spam. Or rather I decide whether to delete and block, but usually I
just delete it.

I am now posting in UKA as nobody is yet online. I write a funny spoof
but the journal facility is upset because I used a comma and it throws
me out of the site after trying to display an entry by 's Journal. No
name, just 's

I talk to ... and .... later on. I find that I have left the web chat
window open for two hours. I take a look, and copy the transcript for
later. There is only one other person there but it is late. Tonight I
listen to the first two Oasis albums and the Jam live album. I listen
to the Jam live album three times on disk one. It is great.I especially
like the guitar sound in "I've changed my address". If I can get my
burner working properly I shall burn a cd this evening (26). I am
worried about .... I think that if we take away our pose, remove our
clothes we are all the same underneath, all searching for something to
give us belief in what we do. Hair colour doesn't matter. We are all
the same underneath. In poems I like the emotional poems the ones that
I read that describe personal feelings and experience. I am persuaded
that my poem is worth reposting, having pulled it from the site along
with the set name. Regardless it will up on UKA anyway.

06.47 am
I finish a ciggie and keep thinking that chain smoking is not good. I
have caught myself lighting another when one is just about to finish.
There is much to think about and do. I want to write a poem for ....
because I like her. There is a great little song by the Gants called "I
wonder" which is vaguely remniscent of "In My Life" by Lennon and
McCartney in places. I was thinking about the song last night. I put it
on now. It is by Sid Herring.
There's this line in it: "When I see her I feel funny inside, should i
look, should i talk or should i hide" I have felt like that about girls
before. Again, I think you can identify directly with a song and you
think the singer is talking to you. Sometimes I cannot play certain
songs for this very reason. It is too easy to end up playing the same
songs over and over and getting sadder and sadder. But I don't do this
now. I haven't done this for a long time.

Sometimes I get an idea for a story and the idea is really me trying to
work out in my mind what I want to do about something, or what I think
will happen.

I was thinking about the girl yesterdaywho used to sell me Big Issue,
and I am already sad. She always used to say hi to me and mean it,
regardless of her own circumstances. If you see the same girl on the
street in the same place every day (apart from Monday) for nearly a
year --

07.09 am
I have to have a bath at some stage before work. We don't have a shower
and the hot water tap takes simply ages to fill the bath. It's no fun
when I am in a hurry and I have exactly seven inches of water in the
bath.

The sun streams in through the windows. I can hear the birds in the
background and overhead a plane flying past. It is quiet at the moment.
I think we all need a place to think sometimes. We think for a while
and try to work out what to do next, and we are scared of making the
wrong decision but since none of us can see the future we have to take
life as it comes. We have to assume that things will turn out fine.
Especially if they are things we cannot influence or change.

07.17 am
I light another ciggie and post this entry.