Split.

By indigogold

Mon, 15 Sep 2008
  • 1129 reads
6 comments
 

The story that you told me,
The day before you left,
About what I could be,
Then you commited theft.

You stole my heart,
Confused my world,
You ripped me apart.
Why?

Around me people moved on,
I've still got in my head,
That one song,
I cant get outta bed.

Im still waiting to have it back,
The heart you took,
That foolish attack,
I don't know where to look.

People used to feel sorry for me,
I know they think,Get over it,
If only they could see,
That I'm split.

Certificate 12
Poem
Love

Comments

Submitted by indigogold on
comment?

Submitted by john_silver on
There's some promising sense of rhythm and musicality here, but you need to make your form more cogent. Why does stanza 2 fall out of the ABAB rhyme scheme? The scansion also requires more consistency; the first stanza is metrically impeccable, but for instance the 'I'm still waiting' one is all over the place, with four, two, two and three beats per line respectively and a doubtful scansion at that. Also, 'confessional' or 'lament' poems tend to get old quite quickly; thematically, this has a very narrow appeal. There's some skills you need to sharpen but this shows promise. Keep working!

Submitted by indigogold on
Uhh thanks.

Submitted by indigogold on
Im tweleve btw :)

Submitted by john_silver on
O_O Twelve? This is FANTASTIC for one so young. I was estimating your age to be around sixteen. Definitely keep writing. PS: you might want to specify your age on your profile.

Submitted by jennifer on
Why punctuate 'I've' properly and then leave 'Im' without an apostrophe? Keep writing, this is the start of something...