Pens and Paper- Chapter 7

Defening silence.

As I had sat there with Charlie by my side this expression had captured my brain in a trance as i thought about it over and over; although it is an oxymoron and is meant to be a contrast or some sort of obscure lie as it can not be true like others: bitter sweet, seriously funny, act naturally, only choice...

In my mind they had an element of truth about them and I could very much relate to them.

For example, in that moment my only choice was to try to act naturally in front of Charlie to try to calm his fear as we waited in the defening silence, which was seriously funny to me because I was struggling to keep a normal face because of the bitter sweet taste of fear in my mouth. 

I think I could relate to oxymorons so much because in that moment, trapped in the closet by my fear and left alone with my thoughts; I realised my whole life was a paradox, divided into subsections of dispair, oxymorons and contradictions. I mean, life its self was a paradox. But mine, it was somewhere between impossibe and completely absurd. And yes, they may seem very similar, but from experience, the impossble is more trusted than the absurd. 

'Absurd', I hated the word, I had heard it so many times before. Absurd means that it will not be accepted because no one will believe crazy; but everyone will give an open mind to the impossible. 

And so defening silence... 

In my opinion it is complete truth, if you are left alone with your thoughts for too long; you can make yourself cry of sadness or of joy, laugh in hysterics or chuckle softly. The mind has such a vigorous grip over what we feel and for me, it was physical pain, an ache in my heart, a burning in my muscles and flesh; twitching from faint memories of hits and cuts, and most of all it left a ringing in my ears, tearing away at my ear drums piece by piece. All of this because of the silent voices in my head. 

BANG. 

The door slammed, echoing around the house with an mocking tone they can leave but you can't. Charlie and I looked at each other with the same question burned into our faces with a strained sense of curiousity and fear. 

Which one was left?

I don't know how long we stayed in th dark.

Maybe an hour?

An hour of hushed whispers and creeping heads peering around doors before shrinking back into the darkness.

One thing me and Charlie shared apart from our fucked up lives was our love for the dark, that cold, pitch black veil. Even though he was so young, he seemed to like it for the same reason I did: the lack of knowlage, the lack of connection.

Being in the dark by choice goes against every human nature that we have developed as a species. And i think that is why i like it so much, i think it is fair to say that 'human nature' hasn't done shit for me in my life time and i doubt it will do anything for Charlie in his. Our human nature as far as i can tell leads us to self destruction rather than help us to survive. 

We create this false sense that almost everything we do wrong comes down to human nature, but everything we do right is up to our intelligence. We use our 'nature' and 'instincts'  as an excuse, a lame one at that. We take credit for what we do right, and use our 'humanity' as a get out of jail free card when we mess up.

And so sitting in the dark was Charlie's and I's little way of saying 'fuck you' to the world; showing the rest of our species that we can control our curiousity, our need to see. It was also relaxation for us, all we did was spend our time predicting when danger would come, watching doors, peering out from corners. In the darkness you can't antisipate, you can only know when something happens. Its like loosing your sense of time, that little thump of your heart you feel in your chest is the only sense of rythmn you can feel when you are surrounded by the pitch black.

And most can't do it: you either give in and turn on the lights, or you wait it out, say your little fuck you to human nature and loose your sense of time, your sense of prediction, your sense of responsibility.

I always choose the latter. What can i say? I am stubborn.

But of course, I am also human and the question always burns in the back of my brain.

What would happen if i gave in?

What would happen if i had turned on the lights?