Beauty awakens the soul to act

“I will finally tell you my big secret,” her mother said. Without emotion, without any embarrassment. As if she were telling her daughter what groceries she had done at ALDI that evening. Sanna didn't know what to think about it. Her mother looked at her kindly through the screen of her mobile phone. No tears, no wrinkles, no tightened mouth. Just a cheerful woman of just sixty years who had agreed with her daughter that they would spend a day together. After some chitchatting to decide to visit the zoo

When the day finally arrives for them to go on the road, Sanna has already been awake for several nights. It does not let her go. That one sentence. ‘I will finally tell you my big secret.’ What could it be? What is the story, the private affair that has always been with her mother. But hidden like a festering wound? Without her husband, without her children, without her friends ever noticing?

They meet at the station, late in the morning. From there it is a fifteen-minute walk to the zoo. Her mother looks energetic, spirited Sanna observes. Her hair cut short and dyed inconspicuously deep blue-black. She wears a stylish pistachio green overcoat, comfortable stretch trousers and dark blue flat summer sandals.

“Mom, did you buy a new fragrance?” She does not answer. Mother and daughter walk along the spacious sidewalk in the morning sun like two proud women. There is little traffic. The mother asks how Sanna is doing. She wants to know everything about her new boyfriend. What is his name again? Karl? Robert? Hans?

Sanna knows she cannot keep secrets from her mother. That has always been the enormous difference between them. Her mother is a sweet, wise woman. But always somewhat distant. Sanna is an open book. She always has been for as long as she can remember. Was she teased in kindergarten? Mother knew it. Had she bullied a classmate herself? She confessed it the same evening to her parents. Every crush, every misstep, it was told to her mother.

“Where shall we start our tour?” asks Sanna when they are both standing on the square where the various routes start into the wildlife park. With a map in hand, they try to orient themselves. There are ample options. Exotic birds, safari animals, the butterfly palace, the monkey rock, the giants of the Galapagos.

“Let's start with the small animals,” the mother finally decides. “The red pandas, the prairie dogs, the otters. Let us build it up slowly and see how we like it. We still have all day.”

All day? Sanna thinks. It will take me too long to find out about her big secret. But the mother does not seem to be in the mood to expose herself. Calm, self-confident and curious, she follows the designated route through the zoo. In the meantime, she chatters endlessly. About the new diet she follows (sufficient oily fish, only little portions of red meat), about her vegetable garden (rhubarb is doing well this year, the beans are too small), the summer holidays (she has advanced plans to go to Granada with a friend).

Sanna starts to have doubts. While they both laugh at the antics of the meerkats and admire the agility of ground squirrels, she wonders if her mother has ever been open to her. Did she ever talk about her emotions? Her feeling? Her motivations, beliefs?

Just like now. Her mother has no problem keeping the conversation going. She is well read; she does not mince her words. But when you pay attention. She only touches the outside of things. Travelling, TV series, clothes, food, friends, art, jewellery, housing, politics. But what really keeps her busy? What really affects her?

“Now we come to the desert animals. The camel, the dromedary,” explains the mother unnecessarily. There are signs everywhere depicting the animals. Sanna watches the desert dull animals but has difficulty staying focused. Why did they agree to go to this zoo? Why does her mother want to tell her a big secret? As far as she knows, her mother has no interest in animals. In fact, when she still lived at home and her father was still alive, Sanna was never allowed to have a dog or a cat. Not even a goldfish in a bowl.

After walking around for half an hour and watching all creature great and small (giant turtles, blue poison dart frogs, striped skunks, Hudson Bay wolves, garter snakes), mother and daughter think it is time to have a cup of coffee and cake. The restaurant is called ‘Baboon Arena’. The lunchroom they choose a spot with a view on the playground. Children run, tumble, fall, scream, and cry.

“We never talk about it, but have you ever thought about having children?” the mother asks casually as she puts a piece of apple pie in her mouth. The daughter is just sticking her fork into a lemon coconut cheesecake. She takes her time to answer the question.

"Children?" the daughter responds. She feels the creamy soft curd slide along her tongue. Is this her tactic, Sanna ponders. To keep me from talking about her secrets? To bring up a sensitive subject? It goes without saying, they talked about it before. About Sanna's complicated relationships, about her deepest wish to one day have children. How time has now caught up with her and that starting a traditional family is not a straightforward future anymore.

In the meantime, the mother has switched to another topic of conversation. There will be elections soon. Does she already know which party she wants to vote for? Sanna hears her mother talking about immigration policy, economic sanctions, minimum wages. Sanna realizes it. This is a smokescreen. All that talking, chatting, jibbering-jabbering. All these words. They disguise the real pain behind her mother's loneliness. Behind her closedness, distance.

“Authoritarian leaders sow hatred and division to secure their own power. They do this at the expense of, for example, the LGBTI+ community, the safety of migrants and respect for human rights and free public debate,” says the mother decisively as she wipes the crumbs of the apple pie from the plate with a wet finger.

And with a shock, Sanna realizes what her mother's big secret must be. How stupid, she has been! It is in plain sight. But so far, she never realized it. But now she believes she knows the secret for sure. And it's no coincidence why they're in the zoo today.

Something must have happened to her mother. In the past. Something gruesome, something barbaric, something animalistic. That is the hidden message of this visit. Tears come to Sanna's eyes. And while her mother sends messages on her mobile, while she looks around her expecting a visitor at any moment, the daughter wants to go to her mother to hug her. To tell her how much she loves her. That she will always be there for her. No matter how much pain, misery, rottenness with which she must deal.

What should she do? Should she take the initiative herself and confront her mother with her past? To face her with the horrific memories that live in her. Like a rotten tumour? So that her mother knows, there is at least one person in this world with whom she can share the horrors, the hardships? So that her existence – for the years she still may live – becomes more bearable?

There is a man standing next to their table. Sanna looks up in surprise. Is it the waiter? The janitor? Her mother laughs. “Meet my big secret, Sanna. This is Justin. My new friend. He's Head of Research at this zoo. We met during a bus trip to Salzburgerland.”

Sanna wipes the tears from her eyes. Taken aback by her mother's announcement, she extends a hand. Justin laughed at her confusion. But actually, he doesn't pay any attention to the daughter. His eyes are focused on the radiant woman next to him.

Justin takes a seat at their table. He looks slightly younger than the mother. Short grey, blond hair, ring bar, titanium glasses. He does not talk much but lets his new girlfriend do the chit-chatting. Sanna is happy for her mother. She tries to appear as light-hearted as possible. Like a good daughter does for her mother.

An hour later. They hug each other at the train station. Mother and daughter. They travel back to their hometowns on different trains. Before Sanna boards her train, her mother places a confidential hand on her shoulder and murmurs candidly: “Don't be afraid. One day - I promise you - I will tell you all about my inner demons.”