Evil Army

I had a really wacko dream the other night
In which Napoleon, my old maths teacher
And Lord Voldemort, who I like
Joined forces in a supermarket
To create an evil army

The battle came down to me fighting
The staff from FB, my old school
My old maths teacher, Mrs JP, and the Welsh deputy
Scudded around, two to a trolley
As my friend Emily called me over

“Do you now how to operate a-?”
What it was escapes me, but it was a sort
Of gun without bullets, or a sling shot
“No,” I told her, “but I can damn well try!”
And I was bustled to the front line

It was made from stainless steel
And sitting in the middle of the last aisle
The place may have been the local Wm Morrisons
On the left was the frozen stuff, up to the waist
And on the right, taller-than-a-man high shelves of tins

Someone, maybe Kirstie, dumped a whole load of ammo
Onto the metal flat bit at the front
Before the handle like on the trolley old ladies use
I think the small tins were tuna or pilchards
Off came the plastic holding them to the cardboard

A number cascaded off the edge into the mouth
Of the strange catapult machine
You pulled back the handle and it caught a tin
And then you let go and watched it fly
Into the chilled savoury snacks counter

They were coming round the corner from my left
The light was a little poor but I could still make out
Three trolleys, two teachers in each, led by my old maths torturer
So I went tin-happy; hitting them, hitting the sausage roll counter behind them
Until I had no tuna left in the loading bay

“It’s too late!” Emily cried when I shouted
For help reloading, “They’ve won!”
But I was not going to do GCSE Mathematics again
I grabbed two packets of twelve small tins and fled
Around the corner, down the aisle to the sliced meat counter

Napoleon and Voldemort and their hordes were there
I skidded on the plastic floor, dropped my tins
Crashed into the counter, back first
And before I knew it
I was surrounded

Silver masks gaped from black holes
And red-blue-white uniforms bulged
The enemy hovered and jeered
I had supported the Death Eaters before then
Why had I eaten all that sherbet before bedtime?