Captain Stardust

Captain Stardust

(9th July 2008, 11.20am, 1040 words)

Captain Stardust gazed resolutely ahead through the spaceship windscreen, biting his lip as he tried to edge a cautious gloved hand inside his regulation leather trousers. Whoever thought of issuing leather trousers, especially yellow ones, as part of the Interstellar Union uniform deserved to be locked in a small chamber with a snot-blarsitring doggle-noink for an hour, he mused.

Just an inch or two further… the leather creaked, tellingly. Lieutenant Erwas turned a curious ear towards him. She stared at him through rear-view mirror eleven, frowning.

‘Err…slightly to the left, we don’t want to hit that meteor!’ he remarked, giving her a distraction. She turned back to the dashboard to fiddle with a few more knobs.

One more inch…there we go! Wedgie freed from between arse cheeks. He breathed a sigh of relief that turned out to be more of a gust.

‘You alright, sir?’

‘Yep. Fine. Now watch that starship!’

A large, red transport ship going at far more than the local speed limit nearly caused a head-on collision as it shot out from behind an asteroid belt to their left.

‘Hang on a minute, those ships can’t go that fast!’ shouted a rather over-excitable NQTP (Newly Quantified Trans-galactic Private).

‘You’re right, Bert!’ Captain Stardust raised an eyebrow quizzically. ‘Turn this thing around, and follow that starship!’

Lieutenant Erwas engaged all four thrusters at once, and swung a handbrake turn. Bert skidded across the floor on his swivel chair, as every body else on the bridge hung on to their seats, instruments, or simply each other as the craft tilted at a ninety degree angle.

‘Erwas!’ bellowed Captain Stardust. ‘You’re not in Formula Uno now, you know!’

‘Sorry sir, no time to waste in a pursuit!’

‘Fairy snuff! Off we trot then!’

They shot after the huge red ship, technicians adjusting buttons like the clappers. She was an old vessel, and needed constant tweaks to perform at her maximum these days. Still, he knew her pretty much inside out; he’d been her Captain for six decades now, and there was no sign of being offered a new commission by the Trans-galactic Authorities, so he supposed he’d die aboard her.

Lieutenant Erwas reached backwards to adjust the control board behind her, offering him a rather delicious shot of green cleavage. He’d like to get to know his Lieutenant inside out, certainly. Marvellous the things the girls were going for these days; coloured skin, enlarged eyes, size-adjustable breasts to adapt to any situation. Not to mention the lip extensions…

‘Sir?’

Oh, crap, he’d been caught fiddling with his arse again. Should have remembered to remove his hand from his trousers, but, what with all the excitement…

‘Bloody uniforms!’ he stuttered. ‘Too tight to manoeuvre properly.’

They were gaining on the starship now, honing in on her port side.

‘See if you can dock, there’s a docking station within range.’ He ordered.

Private Percy teetered across the bridge in his wedge heels.

‘Permission to change before we board, sir?’ he smiled winningly at the Captain.

‘Didn’t you change an hour ago when we stopped to refuel?’

Percy tucked one foot behind the opposite ankle and twitched slightly.

‘Oh, go on, then!’

He immediately regretted his decision to be benevolent. As the crew overheard, they all started whipping out makeup bags, hairbrushes, popping in chewing gum and adjusting their clothes.

Even Lieutenant Erwas made sure her boobs were resting in the correct position to display maximum cleavage in what he was certain, from a sneaky glance, wasn’t a regulation uniform bra.

Captain Stardust turned to his second-in command, Llewellyn, and raised his quizzical eyebrow again.
Llewellyn shrugged.

‘They’ve been cooped up on board here for two months without a bit of freedom, none of us have been laid since we left Base on this mission, sir! Re-fuelling stops aren’t even long enough to exchange names, let alone any bodily fluids…’

‘Ah, yes, erm… of course not.’ The Captain stuttered, cutting him off. ‘Very well, if there’s anyone fit on...’ he cleared his voice. ‘If there is anyone fit on board the ship we are in pursuit of, you all have full permission to, errr…interact how you see fit.’

There was a resounding round of cheering and clapping from the crew.

‘Just, you know, be safe, wear your protective jumpsuits and your intercourse facemasks, you don’t want to catch Spacemydia or Gonorplanetea.’

There was a loud ‘clunk’ as the ship docked with the larger vessel. Everyone visibly stiffened (no, not in that way).

‘Right! Open communication channels, please, Lieutenant.’ Captain Stardust squared his shoulders and his jaw and stared winningly into Communication Screen One.

‘Communication channels open, sir!’

‘Hello?! This is the Spaceship Aureole 68. Please identify yourselves and your business in this part of the Galaxy.’

There was a crackle and a hiss, before an extraordinarily beautiful alien woman appeared on the screen. Her skin was purple and yellow in patches and she had the biggest…eyes…that Captain Stardust had ever had the pleasure of gazing into. It was a pity that a screen separated him from…

‘Psst, Captain!’ Percy intervened before his train of thought became a train wreck.

‘Oh, yes, erm. Please repeat that.’ He stammered.

‘We have commandeered this ship to take us home, after ours was destroyed by enemy forces.’ Exclaimed the alien lady for the second time, looking slightly tetchy as she strummed her seven perfectly manicured nails on the surface in front of her.

‘Oh, I see. Sounds valid, doesn’t it?’ he turned to Lieutenant Erwas, who nodded her agreement.

‘How many crew on board?’ he turned back to the screen. ‘And are they all of your… err…calibre…I mean…kind?’

‘Yes, Captain, we are from the planet Stunnificus. Seventeen on board.’

‘Right, well, if you don’t mind, we’ll board and check your systems are…functioning properly, so you get home safe and sound.’

‘No problem, very kind, I’m sure.’ She smiled. ‘Give us five minutes.’

Captain Stardust smiled. ‘Over and out.’ He turned to the crew. ‘Looks like it’s our lucky day, folks,’ he grinned, not caring that the whole crew saw as he reached inside his trousers to adjust his pants again. It wouldn’t do to have a wedgie when one was trying to seduce an alien, after all….