Monogamy Rules

Monogamy Rules

(9th July 2008, 2.34pm, words)

‘I mean, how does he think I’m going to react?’

Claire slapped the super-sized cup down on the battered wooden surface of the chain-coffee table and her ample arse down on the red velveteen seat.

‘Perhaps he’s hoping that you’re not the monogamous type?’ suggested Laura, sipping fruit tea in a smug-vegetarian kind of way.

Claire tipped the whole pot of cream into the top of her already-milked cappuccino.

‘Who isn’t the monogamous type, tell me that! Are there actually women out there that are ok with their partner sleeping around?’ she stirred the coffee as if it were personally responsible for her current romantic situation.

‘Well…not everybody has a problem with sharing, you know?’ Laura reached out to steal a piece of muffin.

Claire snorted. ‘Like who?’

‘Remember Brian?’

‘Brain the bearded wonder?’ Claire snapped her crumby fingers. ‘You mean…?’

‘Uh huh,’ Laura smiled. ‘We had this rule…you have to have rules, otherwise it gets complicated.’

‘Complicated? I do not see how it could possibly be uncomplicated – didn’t you get jealous? How did it work? Oh my days, I cannot believe you…’ Claire shook her head and spooned froth into her mouth, staring at Laura as if she’d just told her that her bum looked big in her jeans.

‘The rules… one-nighters only, casual sex only, no feelings, no attachments, no phone numbers. Those were our agreed rules. Other couples do it differently.’

‘You’re not telling me you did it too?’

‘Well, sauce for the gander, sauce for the goose. I wasn’t about to take and not give. True switch!’

Claire looked troubled.

‘But, but…did it work?’

‘To a point. In the end, it just got silly, with both of us competing to out-do the other’s exploits. The threesomes were fun, though!’

Claire snorted coffee out of her nose. It sprayed across the table. Laura calmly reached out for an almost see-through napkin and wiped the droplets off her arm.

‘Threesomes!’ she shouted.

Every single person in the crowded café ceased drinking coffee and chatting and turned to stare at the suddenly tomato-esque blonde in the centre of the room. The thin redhead she was sitting with continued eating bits of muffin as if nothing untoward at all had happened.

Gradually the buzz returned to the place.

‘Threesomes?’ Claire leaned across the table, hissing the word under her breath this time.

‘Complicated. I’d recommend even numbers. That way, nobody gets bored.’

Laura pursed her lips.

‘But that wasn’t the problem, in the end.’

‘So what was?’ demanded Claire.

‘Sex.’

‘It sounds as if you were having quite a lot of that,’ giggled Claire.

‘Yes, but that wasn’t the problem.’ Laura smiled. ‘It never is.’

‘Sooo…?’ prompted Claire.

‘I found someone better in bed, and then I couldn’t go back.’ Laura drained the last of her tea and stood up. ‘Must go, actually, late for a meeting.’

‘Who?’ Claire stood up too.

Laura kissed her on the cheek and started to back away.

‘Alice, actually.’

‘Alice?!’ Claire nearly fell over her chair in her haste to grab her handbag and follow.

‘Girls were allowed under the rules…more fool him!’ Laura laughed, stepping out into the rain. ‘Perhaps you should try it sometime…that’d give him something to think about!’