Part of another conversation I will never have

“What? Nothing’s a matter. I’m just tired”

“Do you want a cup of tea?”

“Well, of course I’m making one, if you want one”

“Alright, I’ll make you one then”

“There you go… had a good day? He’s been whinging all day; I don’t what’s up with him”

“Yeah, probably, although I don’t know why you are always making excuses for him”

“You do, but you don’t have to put up with him all day. And what with her fucking about, it’s no wonder that I am sick and tired of it”

“But it never stops does it? It’s twenty four seven for me ain’t it. But what does that matter? Really, what does it matter? As long as I put up and shut up. What damn right do I have for an opinion?”

“That’s right; I’m off again, before you start on me, dragging up all that shit again. Or turning it into something that it’s not. I mean, you have all this ammunition, ready to shoot me down right? When there’s a problem? I’m going to lie down a bit so that I can have a break from all this shit”

“There’s no point whispering stuff to yourself. If you’ve got something to say, say it loud”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, sorry for being such a failure; sorry for spoiling your merry little life. I’m sorry I don’t have a job, but of course, I’m so grateful that you keep me…. What would I do without you? Oh yeah, I’m so grateful”

“I know I fucked everything up, I don’t need you to remind me of that. Don’t you think I see it every time I look in the mirror; or feel it when I’m sat trying to calm these two down for the hundredth fucking time in the day. It’s all the fucking time for me, don’t you get it”

“No, for once B, it’s not all about you… Oh for god’s sake, you do it all the time. I this, I that…. For fucks sake…. You never listen do you…. ‘Cos you’re not interested are you”

“You’re not. You haven’t been for years. As long as dinner’s on the table, the washing up and cleaning is done, there is no problem….. As long as I “operate” in the way you expect, there’s never anything wrong”

“You don’t give a shit if I’m sad, as long as I can put on a happy face when I’m expected to and make everyone think I am just rosy. I hate the fact that I am stuck here, do you get that? I’m bored of every single fucking thing I do. I’m bored of going fucking shopping all the time. It is, it’s all I do, go the shops, change nappies, do fuckin’ milk… oh yeah, so it spills all over me so I never have a clean pair of clothes. And you think I feel appreciated in all of that?”

“When? When’s that then? I don’t fuckin’ see it”

“No one gives a shit, I’d be better off dead…. No one gives a shit”

“You know why I did what I did?”

“Because I felt wanted. More than that, I felt adored. A made me feel wanted… appreciated. In everything. It could have been the smallest fucking thing and I felt life it was the most important thing in the world. And I could do it without a million questions. It didn’t matter how stupid it was, that just some how didn’t matter. It all felt important. It all felt worth it. And I felt special. And since she’s gone, I’ve tried, I mean, really, really tried to get that feeling back, but it all just seems empty”

“No you’re still not listening to me are you. I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to be with you…. You were the same as that once; supporting me; making me feel important…. And you promised that we’d try and get back to those days. But nothing has really changed has it?”

“I know you love me, but it sometimes feels that they are just empty words”