The Cold Call. ( I.P.)

I hate cold callers on the telephone. You know the ones. They start by saying something like “ Hello sir, how are you today?” Like it’s any of their frigging business. Then start to ask you loads of questions about energy supply, insurance or internet provider.

It used to be double glazing, they were okay, you could get rid of them really easy. They would normally start by asking if you owned your own home. I would lie and say no, I rent from the council. They say okay and hang up. Easy, job done. These new ones are much more cunning. They lead you to believe that it’s in your best interest to listen to what they say. Normally they are pretending to offer you something. So I like to wind them up. Here’s my most recent.

The phone rings, I answer it. A male voice says.

“Hello sir, we have some good news about your recent claim.”

Now I may be in my mid fifties and going a bit grey but I’ve still got all my marbles. I aint had a frigging claim. So I play along.

“That is great news, how much have you got for me?”

A pause.

“It could be a substantial amount sir.”

“Fantastic, I can really do with the money. I owe a few people , if you know what I mean. How much is it?”

A pause. Then he continues

“Well sir, if I can just take a few details, I’ll be able to tell you.”

“Sure, what do you need to know?”

“Have you had taken out a credit card or mortgage in the last ten years?”

I laugh.

“Yeh loads.”

“Brilliant sir, there’s a very good chance that you were sold a PPI without you knowing it, we can help you get that money back sir.”

“Fantastic news, where do we start?”

“I’ll need your full name to start with sir.”

“Let me ask someone first.”

I shout.

“Oi, dicksplash, can I give the guy on the phone my name?”

I wait, then talk again.

“He’s busy, should be okay though.”

A pause.

“Okay sir, can I just take your name please?”

“Name or number?”

“Full name please sir, we can get to your house details later.”

“Real name?”

“Yes sir, your full name.”

He’s getting a bit annoyed now. I pretend to speak with someone.

“Look wanker, just wait your turn, I’m on the phone now okay?”

I make a strange gurgling noise then continue.

“Sorry about that mate, where were we? Oh yeh you want my name. let me ask him again.”

Again, I shout out.

“Oi, bollock chops, can I give this guy my name?”

I wait, then continue.

“Sorry mate, the prison officer says I’m not allowed to give that information. Fancy visiting me sometime. It gets real lonely in here. You sound like a nice guy, what are you wearing?”

The phone goes dead.