Satan Enterprises

I decided to put the sellotape back in the plant pot, where I'd found it. It seemed better that way somehow. Looking around I couldn't see anything else out of place and realised that enough was probably enough. I crawled back to the office door. Edging my eyes past the door frame I saw Bill coming down the corridor towards me, a purposeful look on his face. Ten to one he'd just fired someone. Bastard. I scooted back into the office and behind the curtain. It was hardly the most original hiding place, but Bill had zero imagination and no inkling that anyone in the world would dare cross him anyway, so it would probably be ok.

He swept into the office accompanied by the familiar scent of sweat and expensive aftershave. Men like him don't believe in deodorant. Men like him believe they shit gold and piss wine. They don't do anything as unpleasant as sweat, and if they did it would be pure honey anyway. It's other people who smell, not them. A piece of paper from his desk floated gently to the floor as he entered, no doubt blown off by the body odour tailwind in his wake.

Reaching the desk he hunted around amongst his piles of crap, humming something vaguely Teutonic. Wagner probably. He'd always struck me as the type of man who'd have had Hitler round for dinner and put out the best cigars. Giving a grunt of satisfaction he finally brandished a piece of paper at the ceiling and grimaced in triumph.

"Got you!" He said as he span out again and left me in peace.

I crawled out from my hiding place and waved my hand in front of my nose. It always took about ten minutes for the air to clear after Bill had left a room. He was the human equivalent of the first dump of the day. I was about to head out and escape the stench when my eye fell on the paper that had blown off the desk. In his preoccupation Bill had failed to retrieve it. It had a bright blue letterhead, written in capital letters that I could read even upside down.

SATAN ENTERPRISES ' LONDON, PARIS, HEIDELBERG.

I froze in place, all thoughts of body odour forgotten. It cant be, I thought. I couldn't be THAT lucky. Could I? Glancing back at the empty doorway I snatched up the page and ducked behind the desk to read. I was almost panting in my excitement and I had to make a conscious effort to breathe normally. When I was sure I wasn't going to hyperventilate or pass out I allowed myself to read the letter in full. It turned out to be everything I had hoped for.

"Dear Mr Burton," I read. " Satan Enterprises are pleased to confirm your holiday booking, as per your letter of November 17th. Please review the details below and inform us as soon as possible if any of the information is incorrect. If we do not hear from you within 14 days we shall assume that the details are correct and make arrangements for payments to be made from your account.

Chosen Holiday(s):
Fourteen Night Torture and Agony Safari, 02/03/07 ' 16/03/07.
Optional Extras:
Three Day Additional Target Weekend 17/03/07 ' 19/03/07.

Total cost (including VAT): US$140000.99

Please find attached a full itinerary for your chosen holiday. Thank you for choosing Satan Enterprises as our tour operator. If you have any queries please do not hesitate to contact us."

I paused in my reading to clench my fist in triumph, and to offer a silent prayer to the God of Lucky Breaks. With this I could finally get back home again. At last. After 2000 years. No more offices or photocopiers that didn't work or broken staplers. I could go home!

The was a noise in the corridor outside, and I suddenly realised that this probably wasn't the place to be found reading Bill's letter. Especially now I knew what he was. I quickly, but carefully, folded up my bounty and edged out of the office once more. I was in luck this time ' there was nobody around. I scurried down the corridor to my office on the corner, and shut the door behind me. After a moment' s thought I locked it too. And put a chair under the handle. It wouldn't do to have it al taken away from me now. When I was sure that I would be undisturbed I settled down in my own chair and pulled out the letter.

"Itinerary and Notes:" I read.
"Fourteen Night Torture and Agony Safari,

A wonderous and exciting two week long journey through the Seven Circles Of Hell. Setting off from Styx in a luxury dead-soul drawn carriage, you and your fellow travellers will be taken in comfort to the Seventh Circle, where your Safari proper will begin. Hyenas specially tailored to your physique will be saddled and waiting for you when you reach Seventh Circle ' all you need bring are your guns, your soul-nets and any other torture equipment that you feel the urge to carry. (Please note ' Satan Enterprises are not licensed Torture-Sellers and therefore will not be able to provide you with any such equipment that you may lack).

Once mounted and set, and accompanied by the finest hunter-trackers that the Underworld can provide, you and your fellow travellers will embark on a rip roaring, tumultuous ride through the Seven Circles, shooting, maiming and torturing any souls that are unlucky enough to cross your path. The hunter-trackers will be carrying lots of extra soul-cases, so don't worry about your bag being too high! However many souls you manage to destroy, we'll make sure that they all stay with you to the end of the trip ' and that's a promise!

At the end of each day you'll sleep beside a campfire under the raging sky, sharing anecdotes with your fellow travellers and anticipating the days to come. Satan Enterprises will provide each traveller with a free, full bottle of Fire-Whiskey every night of your trip, so if you do happen to meet the person of your dreams on your Safari you'll have no problems getting them drunk and taking advantage!

The Safari will end on the fourteenth day at the Abandon Hope Gate. The visitors shop there is always packed with cameras so don't miss the chance to get a snap of yourself at this famous landmark! As the fourteenth night closes in, a free slave-shuttle service will take you back to Styx, overflying the territory you've just covered and giving you the chance to relive it all again as the memories hit you. Those travellers purchasing the extra Target Weekend package will be met at Styx by a Satan Enterprises Rep, who will whisk you off to our top-secret location for three more glorious days of torture and mayhem (Exact itinerary tbc).

We think you'll agree that this Safari offers everything that an adventure hunting, ne'er do well Demon could possibly want in a vacation. We are so sure that you will enjoy it that, if you don't, we will reimburse the full cost of your holiday (unenjoyment subject to verification ' all customers found to be lying will be tortured until the end of days).

ITINERARY
Day 1
Arrive at Styx Central Coach Station at 0700 sharp. (Please note that all latecomers will be expected to reimburse fellow travellers for any delay.) The trip to Circle Seven should take about 4 hours, however Satan Enterprises can make no guarantees as to this and will not be held responsible for unforseen delays caused by broken wheels, deaths of slaves or strike action by the Demon Union¦.."

I stopped reading then as it was all much the same from then on. And I didn't need to read any further ' I had it all in those first couple of pages! My hands were shaking with excitement and I felt the exultation flowing through my blood. I had it! At last I had it! I'd be able to go home!

Hunting through my desk drawers I at last found my Fossil. I'd thrown it in there the month before in a fit of pique, sure I'd never have the chance to use it again. Now I studied it lovingly, my fingers tracing over the ridges and scars that criss-crossed its surface. Once I'd known those scars as well as I know my own face, but in my excitement I experienced them for the first time again, as I had all those years ago in the Mission Chamber.

Bringing my mind back to the present I cocked my ear to the rest of the building. I couldn't hear any disturbance so Bill hadnt yet realised what he'd lost. That was good, but I realised that I'd better get a shift on anyway. It definitely wouldn't do to lose it all now.

Standing in the middle of the office I raised the stone above my head.

"Stone of Time" I said under my breath. "Stone of Past. Stone of Future. Stone of The Finders! Open The door! Show me back where I belong!"

As I finished my incantation the air began to shimmer around the stone, spreading out in concentric ripples until the whole room seemed to be nothing but a mirage. I could see shapes in the haze, vague and indistinct at first, bordered by shadows. Colours of every hue began to stream out from the stone itself, wrapping around it faster and faster until at last there were no individual colours at all, merely Colour, exquisite in it's delicacy. Then abruptly Colour and the haze were gone.

In the air above my desk was the perfectly square opening I'd been dreaming of for the past two millennia. It was, to all intents and purposes, a window. And it looked out onto my home.

Through the window I could see a simple table, oaken and bedecked with a checked cloth. I had seen that table so many times in my dreams that I almost wept to see it real, there before me. True I had never seen it with a table cloth like that, but it had, after all, been two-thousand years since I saw it last and tablecloths were only little things after all. Behind the table sat a bald man in a cleric's cassock, head bent over a scripture bool and quill in hand. I knew that shiny pate well.

"Rebus my friend!" I said, delighted. "It is I! I have succeeded! I have found a Demon! I can come home!"