For the children

October, 2015

• Labour won the election, and Ed Miliband is now the PM. Nick Clegg became a Tory peer for ‘personal’ reasons, and David Cameron is working on an autobiography (possibly called Boris Johnson is a cunt).
• The Graham Norton show was cancelled and replaced with ‘The Sarah Lee show’, like Norton, she’s gay. Alan Carr has been demoted solely to Radio 2.
• Chris Martin committed suicide in early 2016; Coldplay have since disbanded.
• Take-That finally called it a day, with Gary Barlow working on a musical.
• One Direction are working on a TV show as they have a new rival boy-band: Five Piece.
• Justin Bieber is doing three months in jail for probation violation.
• American music mogul - Doug Clane, is producing a charity Christmas single for one legged orphans in Syria.

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1. Celebrity Juice

I’m in the recording studio; it’s nine in the morning. I’m drinking a cold Becks and rolling a fag. Day drinking can be caused by the following factors:

1. Depression – often due to low self-esteem, anxiety, panic disorder, or a lack of direction in life. This is often reslults in substance abuse, or suicide.
2. Alcoholism- the addiction to alcohol, and the inability to function on a daily basis without a drink. Will often drink regularly throughout the day
3. Being at a music festival-Beer is breakfast
4. Being told by Geri Haliwell to ‘go and fuck my virgin ass’.

2 and 4 are the cause. I’m in a recording studio in Mayfair. A junior A&R man for Fresh Records, London branch. I’m here to observe various different artists record a fucking Christmas single for one legged orphans in Syria. Clane’s (founder of Fresh Records) always wanted to produce a charity single, both  for the tax benefits, and to help his new found boy band ‘Five Piece’ be part of a Christmas No.1 and help get their own single ‘Good Girl’ into the top ten. Clane’s new boy bitches, ‘Five Piece’, are a response to the fall of Cowell’s ‘One Direction’. The band comprises of five seventeen year olds, with washboard stomachs’, shaggy beach boy hair styles, and perfect white teeth. They’re soulless and sterile, spoilt brats from LA, who spend their time in the studio on coke, and trying to fuck female assistants. Clane has a select number of well paid, both male and female, private prostitutes who are available to all his artists to avoid bad publicity stories. His top male rent boy serves many in Hollywood too, such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, or George Clooney.

Geri Haliwell is pissed off at me after I told her that her solo would need to be cut down a bit, as the record can’t go over three minutes and seventy-five seconds, as Clane’s theory of successful pop songs clearly states that no pop song can go over the limit. It’s a theory more developed by Clane’s chief songwriter: Art Rayant, a Jew who became successful for writing songs for Richard Curtis films. He and Rayant met at Harvard back in in the early eighties, when Clane was doing his MBA, and Rayant was in law school. Rayant’s penned this new Christmas song for the one legged orphans: ‘Hopes in the west'. 

She screamed at me, and said that her current twenty second solo was short enough, and who exactly would be getting her fucking recording time. I told her to chill down, and she then told me to go and fuck my virgin ass.

G-bitch has got a new memoir coming out, and insisted to her agent that she be included in the single. The other confirmed artists include: Mark Owen, from the former band Take That. He's in bank trouble after his solo tour: ‘An intimate night with Mark Owen’ flopped in its first week. His show in Bristol drew just fifty fucking people, ten of which were from a local dementia home. The remaining no-one-gives-a-fuck members of Coldplay are being considered to do some instrumentals. Robin Thicke has been invited, but his rehab centre are doubtful he’ll be out in time, Clane says he will sort it. Ed Sheeran will most likely make an appearance, but he’s currently filming his first feature film, where he plays an autistic boy who is obsessed with a guitar. New girl band ‘Fairy Boots’ will also feature. Again, put together by Clane, who has little interest in young females, he’s decided that they can date two of the boys from Five Piece. Their first single currently at number 24 is called Hey There (Do you wanna hop on?). The Guardian wrote a feature on it, which Clane said was ‘ideal’, as the ‘left’ are ‘the best promoters of filth’ because ‘they actually give a fuck’.