Pardon

Researchers have concluded that frequent consumption of white wine can damage your teeth, fortunately no such conclusion has been made about the effect wine consumption has on hearing.

The Nutrition Research Board (NRB) has spent many years and several hundred thousand pounds on researching the links between hearing and the consumption of white wine. The head of the German research centre, Dr Ernst Riesling, said at a press conference yesterday 'We have collated all our research data gathered over the last decade and have come to the conclusion that there is no link whatsoever between hearing and the consumption of white wine'.

Dr Riesling went on to say that the NRB would now concentrate on examining the link between hearing and red wine.

A spokeswoman for the Federation of British Wine Dealers (FBWD), Mary Likesaglass, said that the Federation was 'immensely relieved' to hear the outcome of the research and that it was exactly what her organisation had been advising its members and the public for the last few years. The FBWD hopes that the red wine research project will reach a similar conclusion.

During the research period, the NRB immersed human ears in a vat of white wine for several hours. Once removed from the vat, it was found that the audio sensing abilities of the ear had not altered. In fact the only noticeable difference was that the ears had temporarily turned white and wrinkly.

Repeated consumption of white wine over a period of several years also had no detrimental effect. The eating of cheese or strawberries along with the wine also made no difference to the effects on the hearing. A spokesman for the Association of French Cheese Manufacturers shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Eh, bien'.

Customers in the Mucky Duck Wine Bar and Chip Shop, off Oxford Street were not noticeably impressed with the research. One regular, who did not wish to be named, said, 'Who gives a ****?' and ordered another pint of Chardonnay.

No one was available for comment at the British Dentists' Society. A spokesperson for the Association of British Podiatrists said that they were not interested in this 'irrelevant' research project and 'why had no one investigated the link between verrucas and drinking whiskey?'