The Truth

How loving  people effects me..
 I get too attached and they end up meaning an ABNORMAL amount to me
I care about people to such a degree  it's extremely scary 
It's scary people can so easily mean so much to me, that I'm constantly worried about them, constantly feeling the need to say "I love you", constantly figuring out ways I can make sure they know I care 
It's not that any of that is a bad thing, I love feeling close to people, honestly, I thrive off feeling close to people, I hate feeling lonely, I hate feeling unwanted or unneeded
Those feelings tear me apart
But getting close to people can have such an impact on me
I was so close to my Memaw I wanted to be touching her or right beside her every free minute I had and when I was at friends houses constantly wanted to call her
I cannot begin to describe how losing her has negatively effected me
Quite honestly, it's nearly killed me..
It's made me lose parts of who I am too
But that's just one example of how close I get to people and why I don't want to get I thrive on the feelings of closeness
I crave so deeply so many people I've lost
To an extremely abnormal degree
To where my thoughts are constantly consumed by it
But, yet, at the same time alot of my past is repressed and I pretend it never happened..but it still effects me..and it always will..it will never stop
But it seems it gets worsingly more severe at how much people mean to me
It's gotten to the point if I meet someone cool and I know I'll never see them again it upsets me badly for a few days
It makes me want to isolate myself but at the same time I just wanna hold someone close to me constantly
Which is something I can't do
I also seem to form almost instant extreme bonds with some people
Yet, with all the people I'm closest to I have extreme trust issues and get intensely angry at some of them and say horrible things and it honestly tears me apart more then it ever will them
Even the people I trust the most, I still worry I can't
I've had extreme trust broken by some of the people I love the most
I've had traumatizing things done to me and been hurt deeply by people I've trusted more then any 
So even the people I do trust, I in a way don't, I'm in constant fear someday I'll lose them or they'll break my trust
Losing people is another constant ripping fear of mine
I've lost so many people in so many ways some permanent and fatal; some not , to strokes,murder,substances, moving and countless other reasons
 I'm in constant agonizing fear of things happening to people I'm close to, them leaving me in some form, them dying, someone hurting them or them hurting me in some way, shape or form
It's all constant agonizing paranoia and fear 
And I sometimes worry people will stop loving me, will stop caring about me or will stop talking to me
It's ridiculous, irrational fears but, they consume me
I'm scared of the degree I love people, I'm scared of the things I say, I'm scared of all this, I'm just scared in general
And I know how ridiculous it is, but, in most ways it gets increasingly worse and scarier
I also are terrified I can't save people, and I feel the need to and like its my place to save everyone and when I can't, my self esteem is just so terrible and no matter how hard I try I cant stop blaming myself and the fact my anger can outweigh my intense feelings of caring about people and loving them is the scariest of all